Assclownade: For Assclowns, By Assclowns

Hey, have you ever wondered, even just a little, if you are an asshole? Well, I have a surefire test that will let you know in an instant. What you need to do is take a peek at your driveway. Do you see anything that resembles the picture on the left? If so, I can say, with a 98.7% certainty, that you are an asshole. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but, knowing is half the battle.

I believe that history will judge this era harshly. In the future, people will point at icons, like the Cadillac Escalade and Competitive Eating, and say, "How could they be so foolish? We'd better go kick Grandpa in the ass again." As we enter the age of diminishing oil reserves, we have this 5300lb monstrosity needlessly delivering 14 mpg (city) and 18 (hwy) mpg to any assclown idiotic enough to part with $55k. I say needlessly because an Escalade is a luxury vehicle. It's seldom used in an application that requires a heavy vehicle, like construction or rescue operations. In other words, it is primary allure is as a status symbol--another weapon in the perpetual War with the Joneses.

As a wealthy Hoosier once told me, "Fuck the Joneses. If I want to know what they are up to, I'll buy them and find out." I find it hard to contest that logic. In fact, it has been my experience that it is not wealthy people who are insufferable, it is the nearly wealthy. Wealthy people didn't get wealthy by pissing money away to convince others that they have arrived. In my opinion, anyone who sinks $55k into an asset, that is guaranteed to depreciate to zero, is an assclown. Particularly, those who do so so on credit. If you have to finance a luxury item, then you can't afford it in the first place.

The stupidity exhibited by Escalade owners is only surpassed by the stupidity exhibited by Escalade drivers. They are either doing one of two things in traffic: Bumbling absetmindedly while talking on the phone or aggressively bullying the drivers around them. During our recent non-blizzard, an Escalade tailgated me closely at highway speeds. The Escalade driver unsuccessfully tried to bully a driver in the left lane, so they moved to my lane to attempt to pass on the right. They were so close to my bumper that if I had tapped the brakes an accident was guaranteed. There are no fender-benders with that amount of gross vehicle weight. Is getting Trevor and Buffy to the mall on time worth risking my life over? Unfortunately, I already think I know the answer.

When I am elected God, I am going to implement the system used in old, communist Russia and only allow one model of automobile to be produced. It will have 2 cylinders and it's body will be made of paper-mache to encourage defensive driving. The only style variation permitted will be color. The blue cars will cost $10k, green $20k, white $30k, and red $50k. I have no doubt that the red ones will be my best sellers.