Monday, November 21, 2005

Why I Will Never Be A Radio Traffic Reporter

"Thanks, DJ_Dingleberry. This traffic report is brought to you by Malaka's One-Stop Pharmacy on 23rd and Greenmount.

Holy Mother of God! Do we have some Assclowns out here this morning. First, 83 is jammed up in both directions from Shawan Road all the way to the Beltway, due to a raindrop. Next, you'll find gridlock on the Outer Loop from 795 down to 70. This is due to a collision between two SUV Assclowns who were talking to each other on their cell phones and collided head on.

After 70, you'll find it slow going until you reach the work zone near 95, where traffic is at a standstill. There is a workman at the construction zone and people are stopping to take pictures because this has never been seen before.

On northbound 97 you will find the right lane closed due to a vehicle fire with injuries. It looks like an elderly driver's head exploded into flames when he exceeded 35 mph.

The Transportation Authority has closed the Key Bridge, in both directions, because it's fun to close things. Use 95/895 as your alternate, but be prepared for long delays. 95 southbound is jammed up from White Marsh to the 895 split due to excessive mascara application. Past the split, 895 is stop and go due to police activity on the shoulder. The MDTA Police have written their 1 millionth frivolous speeding ticket and the officers are celebrating by shooting into traffic. If you can get past this you will find a 30 minute delay through the Harbor Tunnel because tunnels are dark and scary.

Remember Malaka's One-Stop Pharmacy, where you get a free torniquet with every $20 purchase. Back to you DJ_Dingleberry."

4 Comments:

At 11:38 AM, Anonymous fool said...

On the beltway this morning, it was apparently Oversize Load Day. I got stuck behind a half dozen tractor trailers traveling at approximately 20mph and carrying loads that took up two lanes of the highway. To add insult to injury, all of them had escorts (two with State Police escorts) who traveled at about the same speed and took up even more space than the damn tractor trailers.

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I love (LOVE!) not having to commute through the city and down 95 any longer.

100 is all butterflies and cupcakes.

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger Jen said...

I hate Baltimore drivers when we're having anything but dry sunny weather. Instant stupid, just add rain. Or snow, that's even worse. It snows here pretty often, doesn't it? How come no one has been taught how to drive in it???

Hey, I got a link for you, since this is Assclownopolis and all: http://paulkatcher.com/archives/000858.shtml
(20 Things Every Assclown Must Do Before He Dies).

 
At 7:44 PM, Blogger k-oz said...

Wow... I thought traffic in Australia was bad....

I mean kangaroos can cause bitch-ass dents in the side panels but at least the other drivers sound comparatively sane....

Except when it comes to "road works" of course...

 

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