Why I Will Never Be A Radio Traffic Reporter

"Thanks, DJ_Dingleberry. This traffic report is brought to you by Malaka's One-Stop Pharmacy on 23rd and Greenmount.

Holy Mother of God! Do we have some Assclowns out here this morning. First, 83 is jammed up in both directions from Shawan Road all the way to the Beltway, due to a raindrop. Next, you'll find gridlock on the Outer Loop from 795 down to 70. This is due to a collision between two SUV Assclowns who were talking to each other on their cell phones and collided head on.

After 70, you'll find it slow going until you reach the work zone near 95, where traffic is at a standstill. There is a workman at the construction zone and people are stopping to take pictures because this has never been seen before.

On northbound 97 you will find the right lane closed due to a vehicle fire with injuries. It looks like an elderly driver's head exploded into flames when he exceeded 35 mph.

The Transportation Authority has closed the Key Bridge, in both directions, because it's fun to close things. Use 95/895 as your alternate, but be prepared for long delays. 95 southbound is jammed up from White Marsh to the 895 split due to excessive mascara application. Past the split, 895 is stop and go due to police activity on the shoulder. The MDTA Police have written their 1 millionth frivolous speeding ticket and the officers are celebrating by shooting into traffic. If you can get past this you will find a 30 minute delay through the Harbor Tunnel because tunnels are dark and scary.

Remember Malaka's One-Stop Pharmacy, where you get a free torniquet with every $20 purchase. Back to you DJ_Dingleberry."