Saturday, November 12, 2005

Christmas Preparations

For me, the worst part of the Christmas season, aside from the annual tradition of having Santa relieve himself in my stocking, is Christmas shopping. This is because it combines some of my least favorite activities; shopping and dealing with crowds. I have never liked crowds, mainly because they consist primarily of people. I have never liked people, mainly because they consist primarily of idiocy. On my list of fun things do, a trip to TowsonTowne Center is right above getting cavity searched by Shaquille O'Neal.

For years, I have felt that my shopping experience would be greatly enhanced if I could bring one of these: a Hot Shot HS36 Electric Cattle Prod. According to the ad, this is the "top of the line" in prod technologies. It has a "sealed, transistorized" internal ckt that provides 9000 Volts of inspired civility, while limiting the current, in order to cut down on those pesky manslaughter charges. (For those of you scoring at home, this is approximately 75 times the jolt you would receive if you stuck your finger in a light socket.) I can also envision great potential for the HS36 when dealing with Jehova's Witnesses, Mormons, neighbors, and other assorted kooks who feel the need to knock on my door:

Witness: "Hello. We'd like to introduce you to the Church of Aaarghhhh! Oh my God! Stop! Aaarghhhh!"
Me: "Wow! What a coincidence. I've been thinking of turning to Jesus for help with my anger management issues. Do you think he can help?"
Witness: " Jesus is the answer to Aaarghhh! Please! Aarghhh! I'm leaving! I'm leaving!"
Now I am not so insensitive as to not think that prospect of random, public electrocution might disturb some of you. So, as a bonus for reading my blog, I will post a picture of myself. This way, if you see me in your local mall you will know to be polite, courteous, and to remove all conductive jewelry.


At 10:15 PM, Blogger Chris said...

The perfect accessory for shopping at the FSK mall in Frederick. That thing would clear out the clusters of goth and emo kids quite nicely.

At 3:15 PM, Blogger karla said...

Awesome. Is it okay to use those on infants? Where can I get one?


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