Thursday, March 02, 2006


I have a houseguest staying with me. Since we have become pretty good friends, he has become a regular visitor. As it turns out, we have a lot in common since we are both partial to panting, drooling, and humping the occasional leg. I will refer to my him as TFD and have posted his picture below.

As you can see from the photo, TFD is a dog of action. He is a purebred Pembroke Corgi, which is an AKC recognized working breed, meaning that historically the breed has been used in some type of agricultural capacity. Apparently, the Corgi's role in agriculture was to fill in for missing sheep. I think this because I have never seen a dog shed as much as TFD. In mere minutes, TFD is capable of shedding sufficient hair to weave an entirely new dog.

I have been taking care of TFD, off and on, for the last few months. During this period, I have accumulated quite a collection of dog toys. I've bought him Nylabones, a rubber chew toy, several plush toys, a rope tug toy, a tennis ball-type ring, and a particularly devious device known as a Kong. Of the $50 worth of dog toys that I now own, the only thing he shows any lasting interest in is a pair of $9 welding gloves, which aren't actually dog toys. Nevertheless, his favorite game consists of me wearing the gloves and grabbing his nose and paws while he tries to bite them. This is hours of fun for him and is an option that probably never gets recommended at PetSmart.

TFD is an intelligent dog and has data processing skills that rival any SQL server. He maintains an internal database of every object that he has ever peed on or thought about peeing on. When I take him out in the yard behind my apartment, he mentally solves some type of canine, Karnaugh map that tells him precisely which objects need immediate attention and which can wait. I have been observing his system intermittently for months and I still haven't figured out what it is based upon. Here are this week's routings:

I have learned that TFD is quite a fan of the performing arts. In fact, he sings tenor in a very local barbershop quartet. They typically give semi-weekly performances, which start around 3AM. The other singers include a Yorkie who lives downstairs, a Lab who lives across the hall, and two other dogs who I haven't met yet. As you might imagine, their concerts don't last long, but judging from the responses that I've heard from my dogless neighbors, their performances are indeed stirring.

TFD is very polite dog. He doesn't jump on people and won't jump on furniture unless he is invited to. TFD doesn't even like profanity. I learned this the hard way during his second visit, on which he got directly between the TV and myself and peed on the floor. Since he is a 3 year old dog that is housebroken, I knew he was testing me to see if he was the alpha dog. Thus, I walked towards him while working my way through all of the minor profanities. I hadn't planned on touching him, but I wanted him to know that I was not pleased. I continued yelling as I got close to him and I could tell, by his body language, that he was getting the idea. I concluded my discourse with my all time favorite obscenity; fuck. Instantly, the dog's demeanor changed and he laid into my right leg before I could register that I had a pair of ripped pants and a shoe full of my own blood. Of course, this lead to a more succinct discussion, in which we agreed that he would be the beta dog and I would not say fuck. Since that day, he has been one of the best behaved dogs that I've known.


At 8:21 AM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Ah, the favorite breed of the cockney mafia. I read somewhere that they were often used as lookouts during orange marmalade heists and impolitic uses of the word "guvna".

Ferocious but loyal, like my athelete's foot.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

What a cute pup-o.

At 4:13 PM, Blogger Jen said...

Sounds like you've got a real talented puppy there. When it comes to the performing arts, my dog seems to prefer "illusion arts," for example the back by popular demand "turd burglar" game. The cat feels slightly violated by this act, and I grow weary of vacuuming up after the show, but the dog has a great time, and that's all that matters I guess.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger karla said...

I'm disturbed the the blatantly sexual overtones in the story of your relationship with this dog. It's even clear from the picture that the dog has been recently violated, and I must tell you, sir, that I find you disgusting and pathetic. Even more repulsive is your little sick joke in naming the dog TFD, with the "F" portion of the name being a double entendre. Shame on you, you sick, sick bastard.

At 9:45 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Ah, a fellow dog lover (in the platonic sense, you lecherous dirt bags!)...

One must respect people who like dogs.

And one must ALWAYS distrust those who like cats. Cats are evil. Vile evil creatures that poop in gritty stuff and then eat said poop. (Shudder). They're vile... and they lurk.

At 8:44 PM, Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

Cats are not evil, they are just msarter than dogs and know how to read a person better hehehe Dogs eat said poop as well... Why is that I wonder.... Both dogs and cats like cat poop... Is there some sort of Yum Yum in the dum dum down there... EWWWW K sorry that was gross LOL


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