Thursday, April 13, 2006

It's Not Just for Hats Anymore

As I you may have read, I have eschewed the use of tin foil hats. Since I've adopted this policy, I have to say that I feel quite liberated. For one, it has reduced the difficulty of getting through airport security, although those narrow minded TSA twats still hassle me about my "I heart C4" t-shirt. Also, I've found that the Government Mind Control Rays, previously excluded by the foil, are rather calming and, quite honestly, cause a warm, pleasant tingling sensation in my dangly bits. This has entirely eliminated the need to obtain these sensations by shunting the safety devices on my microwave oven, which, with the impending 72% rate hike, constitutes a win-win scenario.

Of course, there is a downside to my new policy. One problem is that the women I meet on my It's Just Lunch with the Retarded dates don't find me nearly as attractive. However, the most significant difficulty has been trying to figure out what to do with all of the extra tin foil. Fortunately, this is where the years that I've spent worshipping Martha Stewart have paid off.

When I was a kid, I would often read comic books in which there would always be ads for Sea Monkeys and x-ray glasses. I always wanted to order a pair of the X-Ray glasses, but my parents wouldn't hear of it. Thus, I decided to fulfill my childhood dream and make my own. I think that they will be particularly useful for dating, to prevent more of those embarassing "So that's what 'hiding the candy' means" mix-ups.

In this age of deadly, sexually transmitted diseases, you can never be to safe with a new partner. Unfortuantely, the costs of prophylactics can be prohibitively expensive. Thus, I have come up with an economical and dishwasher-safe solution.

Another way to use excess foil is to make your own pet accessories. Look how fashionable my dog looks in her new sweater.

With summer approaching quickly, I've been shopping for some new beach apparel. Unfortunately, I've been having trouble finding something that's just my style. You know, something that expresses the essence of who I am. Luckily, tin foil solved this problem handily.

(You're welcome, in advance for the fact that I left the jeans on.) I think I've hit upon some real winners here. I'm certain that it's just a matter of time before someone is going to want to patent one of these ideas. I only wish that I'd discovered the magic of tin foil sooner. Then maybe there would be less illegitimate retarded children out there from when I was in my Saran Wrap phase.


At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reminds me of the detachable penis song.

At 11:08 PM, Anonymous Toni said...

The tinfoil thong is too damn funny.

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

That dog looks so sad! And what hotel lobby did you steal your couch from? I don't know many guys who have a welder's mask just lying around the house - kinky.

At 9:16 AM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

I love the look on your dogs' face, "Why are you doing this to me?!?"

How long did she keep the "sweater" (looked more like a "girdle" to me) on?

Had no idea you were so damn crafty.

At 9:41 AM, Anonymous fool said...


I'm speechless.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger tfg said...

anon-I hadn't thought of that angle. I could start a whole line of Bobbit-wear.


broadsheet-Yeah, but the dog got a treat right afterwards, which made everything better. I never thought of using the hood to spice things up. I usually just wear it into banks to augment my income.

doggerelblogger-I get that look from her a lot. Today, she gets a bath which is 10 times worse.

At 10:23 AM, Blogger chunky monkey said...

you didn't show us the front view on the thong

At 10:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you saying that you are a retard too?

At 5:23 PM, Blogger John said...

I'm wearing that last piece of fashion for my "after" picture. I can't believe you left the jeans on, weak.

At 10:30 PM, Blogger tfg said...

chunky monkey-The front consists of a thimble.

anon2-I don't think we can rule that possibility out.

john-If I'd left the jeans off, it would have just been a larger version of "Pat Robertson." Except for the Mother tattoo and the bite scars, of course.

At 3:55 PM, Blogger NPR Junky said...

Oh, that was the absolute funniest thing I have EVER SEEN.

Your poor, poor puppy. Did you yell at her to get her to wear her fun new getup?


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