It's Not Just for Hats Anymore

As I you may have read, I have eschewed the use of tin foil hats. Since I've adopted this policy, I have to say that I feel quite liberated. For one, it has reduced the difficulty of getting through airport security, although those narrow minded TSA twats still hassle me about my "I heart C4" t-shirt. Also, I've found that the Government Mind Control Rays, previously excluded by the foil, are rather calming and, quite honestly, cause a warm, pleasant tingling sensation in my dangly bits. This has entirely eliminated the need to obtain these sensations by shunting the safety devices on my microwave oven, which, with the impending 72% rate hike, constitutes a win-win scenario.

Of course, there is a downside to my new policy. One problem is that the women I meet on my It's Just Lunch with the Retarded dates don't find me nearly as attractive. However, the most significant difficulty has been trying to figure out what to do with all of the extra tin foil. Fortunately, this is where the years that I've spent worshipping Martha Stewart have paid off.

When I was a kid, I would often read comic books in which there would always be ads for Sea Monkeys and x-ray glasses. I always wanted to order a pair of the X-Ray glasses, but my parents wouldn't hear of it. Thus, I decided to fulfill my childhood dream and make my own. I think that they will be particularly useful for dating, to prevent more of those embarassing "So that's what 'hiding the candy' means" mix-ups.

In this age of deadly, sexually transmitted diseases, you can never be to safe with a new partner. Unfortuantely, the costs of prophylactics can be prohibitively expensive. Thus, I have come up with an economical and dishwasher-safe solution.

Another way to use excess foil is to make your own pet accessories. Look how fashionable my dog looks in her new sweater.

With summer approaching quickly, I've been shopping for some new beach apparel. Unfortunately, I've been having trouble finding something that's just my style. You know, something that expresses the essence of who I am. Luckily, tin foil solved this problem handily.

(You're welcome, in advance for the fact that I left the jeans on.) I think I've hit upon some real winners here. I'm certain that it's just a matter of time before someone is going to want to patent one of these ideas. I only wish that I'd discovered the magic of tin foil sooner. Then maybe there would be less illegitimate retarded children out there from when I was in my Saran Wrap phase.