Decisions Regarding an Aging Parent

My father sent me a letter from a woman who said that she was interested in buying his house. He told her that the house was not for sale, but that could change in the near future, as he is getting on in years. He went on to say that it wasn't clear whether I would be returning to the Midwest or not. If I wasn't coming back, he said that he wouldn't be able to keep up with the house for another decade. I found this letter disconcerting. Currently, I am single with no children. Nobody is affected by my actions but myself. Now, I find myself in a position where someone else will be dependent on the decisions that I make. As an only child, with an aging parent, I find myself facing choices that I really don't fully comprehend. I know that I want my father to spend the rest of his life in a dignified manner, but I'm not sure how this goal is best achieved. Here are some of the factors that I need to consider.

I know that most nursing homes consist of a retirement community that is continually staffed by on-site medical professionals. Through structured activities, this community provides a social outlet for its residents, while ensuring that their medical needs are continually met. But aren't we talking about a matter of semantics here? I believe that there are more affordable options available that can also accomplish the same objectives. For instance, a lengthy prison sentence seems like a reasonable alternative. Modern correctional facilities provide nutritious meals, in-house medical care, and exercise facilities. Not to mention, the constant companionship and occasional field trips to local highway median strips will give Dad about all the excitement that he can handle.

Of course, this strategy raises a whole new set of issues. Clearly, any impending prison time must be federal time, in order to forego any troublesome possibility of parole. Sure, it wouldn't be hard to get him 15 years in a state lockup, but in a mere 7.5 years, I'd be back to worrying about whether he thinks he's back at Woodstock or if he's been crapping on the neighbor's lawn again. I believe that would definitely put a damper on the enjoyment that I anticipate from planning to spend my inheritance. Currently, Dad loves to garden. What I'm thinking is that I need to make a substitution with respect to this year's crop selection. I'll bet that an 1/8th of an acre of high grade marijuana would be in both of our best interests.

However, I also want to consider options that allow him to stay in his own home. The problem with this solution is that in-home care providers are prohibitively expensive. Depending on the level of attention required, costs can accumulate as high as hundreds of dollars a day. I believe that remarriage might be a preferable option. I envision a conversation with my future mom that goes like this:

Nikkee: "What's this?"
TFG: "It's a liability waiver from the doctor's office. You know how they worry about lawsuits these days"
Nikkee: "Oh. What does pre-nuptial mean?"
TFG: "It's one of those complicated medical terms. What it means is enormous implants."
Nikkee: "Goody. Does tubal ligation mean the same thing?"
TFG: "It sure does. Your pretty sharp with all this legal stuff."
Nikkee: "Wow! All the others girls at the massage parlor say the same thing."

As you can see, I have much to contemplate. Even at this early junction, my father and I are learning that retirement isn't all that it's purported to be. I just hope that the challenges of finding a dignified solution don't overshadow dad's appreciation of his Golden Years. Thus, I hope to do everything in my power to prevent him from worrying about issues like his health care management and financial stability. This should provide him the time necessary to worry about more pressing matters, like impromptu prostate examinations: