Friday, April 07, 2006

Resume Pointers

Spring is traditionally a time for change. Consequently, I have noticed that many bloggers are contemplating career/job changes. A critical step in this process is the construction of an effective resume. There is an abundance of books available to assist you with your resume, but I have taken the liberty of assembling some pointers that I've found helpful.

1. Maintain a professional tone with your resume. You are communicating with seasoned professionals, so act accordingly. For example, you wouldn't want to use the phrase, "I gave my boss lap dances during reviews to get promoted." Instead, try using, "I employed effective team-building skills and advanced expository techniques to strengthen employee-management relationships."

2. Make things up. Although we live in an age of instant information, we also live in an age of unmatched laziness. So long as you don't make completely outrageous claims, little white lies will probably fly under the radar. Personally, I have been telling employers that I invented the internet. To my knowledge, not one of my employers has done their homework and discovered that the real inventor was Al Gore.

3. Show your ability to think outside the box. You can succinctly accentuate your creative side by using haiku on your resume. Feel free to using the following:

The bathroom is full
So I must seek my relief
In my boss's credenza

Damn this lame server
the data comes so slowly
from naughtynurses.com

I have included my resume, as an example. Feel free to use it as a guide:


TFG
101 Main Street
Anywhere, MD 21212
(410)-555-1212
bEErBoNgS_4_jEeZus@gmail.com

Objective: To obtain a challenging position in a forward-looking organization that promotes pantslessness.

Education:
May 1998, Bob Jones University, Greenville, SC.
BS Organ Performance (GPA 1.17).

May 2000,
Bob Jones University, Greenville, SC.
MA Philosophy (GPA 4.0), Master's Thesis: The Meaning of Life is in My Trousers

Work Experience:
November 2004 to Present, Self-Employed, Baltimore, MD
Author
Authored popular titles such as Jean Luc Dildeaux: French Impressionist, Thorazine: The Secret to Successful Parenting and Flatulence Ignition for the Whole Family.

January 2003 to November 2004, Department of State, Baltimore, MD
Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of Anonymous Coworker's Balls
Successfully negotiated the Bipartite Mutual Defense Alliance between ACW's Balls and Eebmore's Ham and Cheese Nose against the specter of evil that is known as Common Wombat's Ass.

June 2001 to January 2003, TFG Engineering, Broken Wind, NE
Staff Engineer
Duties included routine engineering tasks, such as the invention of the number 7. This invention was found to be useful in base-10 counting schemes in which results such as, "...four, five, six, aww, shit" are undesirable.

June 2000 to June 2001, The Pampered Proctologist, Location Varied
Sales
Conducted door-to-door sales of upscale proctological instruments to the residential market. Won "Salesperson of the Month" honors for selling the most Richard Simmons Autograph Model Proctoscopes in July 2000.

Hobbies:
Collecting rare, erotic Golden Girls memorabilia.

References:

Available on demand.

I hope that this example has been a helpful primer. I wish you the best of luck in your job hunt.

10 Comments:

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Sam's Lil Sis said...

That was funny... Iremember at a previous job my boss told me to pull resumes for her to interview. I read one that said in the skills section: "I have excellent clerical skills when i take my medication"

Need less to say, since I didn't like my boss, I put her down for the 1st interview

 
At 1:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great poems. I'll be reading this blog a lot more.

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Hah. In school I got cajoled into typing up a friend's resume (in exchange for pot as I recall) and in one of the 5 copies I made (printed in blue to avoid dissemination) I put under Personal Comments:

Whenever I get angry, I see dead people.

Turns out his current boss had a sense of humor, and when I happened to meet him at a house picnic a year or so later, I was introduced as "The resume typist".

No shit, some people can take a joke.

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger eebmore said...

I’m pretty sure that I don’t want my nose in the middle of a fight between acw balls and wombat’s ass, knowing full well that the implication of a fight is an euphemism for nasty hardcore gay sex between those two. Specter of evil... sphincter of evil... tomAto... tomAAto....

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

I was recruiting for a managed care network director some years ago, and my assistant had to rush in my office to make sure I was all right after I made a rather loud yelp, followed by laughter, the type of which can be self injurious.

I was opening my mail and came upon the resume of a gentleman by the unfortunate moniker, Adonis Hardman.

I kid you not.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

I once put "Secret Princess" under hobbies.

Seriously.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger tfg said...

liz-I'm glad I gave you a reason to laugh. I've read your blog and I can't imagine what you have gone through.

anon-Thanks.

hink-Must have been a cool boss. I did something similar to a friend's report at work. Either his boss is also cool or doesn't actually read the reports. I'm guessing the latter.

eebmore-Don't be so narrow minded. I hear that you haven't lived until you've experienced hot, gay, nasal sex.

broadsheet-I would have laminated that resume. Maybe one of your friends was fooling with you? That sounds a whole lot like something that I'd do.

doggerel-I give job titles like "Village Idiot" when I go to trade shows, to get it printed on my name tag. Next time, I'll be a Secret Princess.

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

time to crib ...

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

ROFLMAO! Absolutely brilliant!

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Attila The Mom said...

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