Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I Believe In Miracles

I've always been skeptical of organized religion. Although I don't doubt the existence of a power greater than my own, I was relativity certain that it had little to do with modern Christianity. Thus, I have been doubtful when I've heard reports of people who have seen the image of the Virgin Mary on inanimate objects. The human mind can be deceptive, so I assumed that these people were merely seeing what they wanted to see.

Today, my skepticism has been dashed, as I have borne witness to a genuine religious miracle. It happened while I was in the shower. This may seem like an odd place for a miracle to occur, but we all know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. While I was washing, I experienced an overpowering sensation--a feeling that I wasn't alone. That's when I realized that I was in the presence of omnipotence. I soon become aware of a warm feeling that was centered at the core of my being and a supernatural aura began to emanate. When I looked down to ascertain the source of the glow, I witnessed a Miraculous Apparition. No, it was not a vision of the Madonna, but it was just as powerful: I was gazing upon the sacred image of Pat Robertson.



I am certain that some of you heathens will find my claim dubious. You may say things like, "This is no Holy Image. This is a hairy man, who could stand to lose some weight, compressing his belly into miniature, yet not entirely unattractive, butt cheeks. Probably because he has nothing else to post." Nothing could be further from the truth, this is a true manifestation of the God's power. It is readily apparent that the apparition that has appeared on my stomach is an exact replica of America'a / God's favorite minister. To wit:














As you might imagine, I have mixed emotions about being annointed as a Messenger of God. I have considerable trepidation about the prospect of crowds gathering to pray over me while harvesting belly-button lint as religious icons. Additionally, I have concerns about the 2nd Commandment which warns of idolatry, "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them." Clearly, this passage should be interpreted that I must remain vigilant of
revealing graven images of Billy Graham. This will be a true test of my faith since it will require complete abstinence from public mooning, but nobody said that doing God's work was going to be easy.

19 Comments:

At 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are so going to Hell for this.

 
At 10:05 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Wow - that took guts.

Rim shot please.....

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger Kira said...

ew. :)

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Also - I think perhaps it looks more like Donald Trump. I mean, the whole combover thing and all.

But that's a whole nuther religion.

You've just given eebmore's nose (and feet, and other body parts he shared with us) some serious competition.

 
At 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God I wasn't eating when I read this you bastard.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger jennetic said...

Funny, that's the most attractive Pat Robertson I've ever seen. Must be a replica from his very early days.

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I thought it looked more like Barbara Bush.

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger celticfire said...

LMAO @ The pics! Great!

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Is that Ernest Borgnine?

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger tfg said...

anon1-Indeed, Pat and I are going to be roomies.

broadsheet- I believe that lard is the term you're looking for. The resemblance to the Donald is no accident, those are hair implants in the picture.

kira-No Bodies by Brillo for you?

anon2-I don't know. The pictures kind of make me hungry for ham hocks.

jennetic-Maybe I ought to send a copy to CBN.

ACW-It's not nearly manly enough to look like Barbara.

celticfire-Thanks.

hink-Actually, yes. My stomach played the cab driver in Escape from NY.

 
At 5:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you ever tried to stick Velcro to it?

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger John said...

This is effing comic gold. The Bring it On cover photo looks like an overhead shot of Taylor Hicks from American Idol.

 
At 2:28 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

What I want to know is, how the freak did you take that picture of yourself while using both hands to create the image of Pat Robertson?

That's the miracle.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger tfg said...

john- Yeah, laugh it up you skinny bastard. I need to look into the Shop Dungaree's diet plan.

doggerel-The camera has a timer on it.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Eep!It looks like a piece of mozzarella that's been dropped on the floor of a barbershop!

(shudder)

I'm damaged. I'll need therapy...

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger Antonio said...

I thought was actually your ass and I was like "Damn, he has a hairy ass."

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Who photoshopped Ted Kennedy in there?

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Yo, that was good. It took some courage to post it. I'm sure there are some unhappy campers out there, but i'm not one of 'em. You had me cracking up.

 

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