Wednesday, May 17, 2006

My Crotch = mc2

As you probably know, the search for novel alternative energy sources is underway, in earnest. This can be attributed tothe fact that the earth's petroleum-based resources are finite and are most likely dwindling. In fact, President Bush said that, "We are addicted to oil," in his State of the Union address and it is rumored that Vice President Cheney's has been caught abusing himself while gazing lustfully at the Oil and Gas Journal. Clearly, our very way of life is in jeoprady if a viable source of energy can't be developed. Fortunately, I have discovered a unique source of alternative energy that I'm certain will go far in the alleviation of these problems and far more.

Oddly enough, I discovered this new source of energy source will doing my laundry. If you look closely at the following pictures, you'll notice that a common characteristic is evident:




As you can see, the fabric of the pictured clothing has failed in precisely the same area. The garments were all made of cotton which is a fairly durable material. Thus, the only logical conclusion that I can arrive at is that my crotch is emitting high-energy radiation which has caused the premature decay of the clothing. A preliminary survey of the relevant scientific literature, such as the Textile Research Journal and The Illustrated History of Johnson Jousting, allowed me to estimate the relative strength of the radiation. I have included an electromagnetic spectrum for reference:


Of course, I will only use my new abilities to further the causes of good. I believe that my crotch will be a boon to homemakers everywhere, since tanning, boinking, and cooking can all be combined in one visit. Additionally, I think that this ability will provide a unique means of developing dental x-rays. My next step is to determine the mean wattage produced and then devise a suitable collection device. Here is my preliminary prototype of said collector:



25 Comments:

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous zog said...

Drunken blog posting FTW. I think my ass does the same thing.

 
At 9:11 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Great. The last thing we need is more Nuclear Crotchal Silos.


Think of all the runoff!

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger thebillofbrothers said...

Runoff... Ha!

Harness the power of the crotch.

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Whoah careful man. I once dreamed of a device that used cosmic rays to instantaneously cook a hotdog... But I reckoned building a stable magnetosphere the size of the bun would be market-impractical.

I hat to be the naysayer, but all I'm sayin' is this man: guard your junk. No one wants ionized balls.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Maybe you should just "dress left" more often to avoid wearing out the right side of your crotch?

PS there's something going on with global warming here, and I can't put my finger on it ;-|~

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

You could get a Prince Albert piercing (caution, link contains pictures of penes ("penes" being the plural of "penis"- look it up)) and that could temporarily prevent the accidental release of energy.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

Okay, here's a question: where is she going to keep this new energy source stored, ready for re-distribution?

Are you going to want it back when it's time to turn on the lights or make a piece of toast?

 
At 4:25 PM, Anonymous fool said...

Do you find that when you have sex with women afterward they look much like an executed Mr. Orange? Just a brown burnt sugar stain on your sheets?

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Fool: Good one!!!

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger tfg said...

zog-It's worse than you think. I don't drink.

idle-Good point. I wonder if any foreign powers will want to negotiate with me.

thebillofbrothers-Harness and garnish.

hink-I'm not sure if ionized balls are worse than the alternative: unionized balls. If they're unionized, they will undoubtedly only work half the time and demand higher wages annually.

broadsheet-What can I say, I'm right crotched.

ACW-Damn, that were some eyeopening pictures. Anyway, introducing metal into the equation would probably be like car keys in the microwave. BTW, where is your blog?

doggerelblogger-The portable one slice toaster. I like it.

fool-Nope. The worse that ever happens leaking. When that happens, I patch it and reinflate them.

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

Tanning, boinking and cooking all in one visit?? It's like one-stop shopping! Brilliant - I'll be right over!

 
At 10:26 PM, Blogger Kira said...

what is your cryptonite? or should i be afraid to ask?

 
At 10:54 PM, Blogger tfg said...

Tinfoil, kira.

 
At 11:27 PM, Blogger Charles said...

All I need to know is if it's deadly to squirrels. I have an infestation that I need removed ASAP. LMAO

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger Chris said...

Don't tell Iran. They'll try to enrich your-anium.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

maybe you have magnetic bacteria down there :)

http://www.wired.com/news/technology/0,70882-0.html?tw=wn_index_2

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Chris-HAAAAAAAA best pun evar.

Wait...so does the ionization of balls imply that they will hover away from eachother? Are they the same charge as the ground and therefore will remain buoyant?

Where's Bill Nye when you NEED him?

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

The blog is back up, to answer your question. The server got hacked, and Mokie had to put it all back together.

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

I have one word, brother.

Kilt.

Share the wealth. Splash it on the floor...

 
At 7:05 PM, Blogger tfg said...

charles- Definitely non-lethal. My crotch is a lover, not a fighter.

chris- That was funny.

j$- Perhaps, but that would have tripped me up at the airport, I believe.

idle-Brass is not so easy to ionize.

ACW-Excellent.

Doc-When they create the crotchless kilt, I'll buy one.

 
At 7:50 AM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

All my pants have holes in the crotch as well. I put them there on purpose to allow my nut sack to breathe.

 
At 7:53 AM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Oh BTW, I added your blog to my sidebar. I suggest you do the same...IMMEDIATELY.

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger tfg said...

I'm not big on reciprocal linking, but, where the CEO of Dyckerson Enterprises is involved, certain exceptions can be made.

 
At 3:30 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Why the hell am I at the bottom of the list?! I demand top billing...and put me in the Tasteful Blogs section!

 
At 10:30 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

That's strange. My wife has the exact same problem with her pants...Hey, wait just a goddamn minute!

 

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