Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Give Until It Hurts

First, we had Karyn Bosnak who is credited with creating the phenomenon of cyberbegging. She was a 20 something TV producer who turned to the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs for financial assistance. As you may already know, Bosnak created a website where she solicited small contributions to accommodate her $20,000 in high interest debt.

In that tradition, we had The Greedy Pig Wishlist from Standing Cheese, where he facetiously solicited contributions from his readers. Next, Malnurtured Snay has turned to the same medium for assistance with $4000 in credit card debt. This post has stirred quite a bit of controversy in the Baltimore blogging community, as people debated the ethical ramifications of Snay's request. Personally, I think it's great that Snay is asking for money, so long as the contributions are purely voluntary and used in the manner that he prescribed.

Consequently, I am also turning to cyberspace for assistance. Believe me, counting on the generosity of strangers is no easy thing. I rarely ask anyone for help, so I hope that you can appreciate how humbling this process truly is. What I need you do to is to dig deep into heart and donate a vagina. Hopefully, enough of you will recognize the nobility of my cause to allow me to achieve my goal of 4000 vaginas.

Although, I'm known for my flexibility in these matters, I must ask that you comply with the following stipulations:
1. All contributed vaginas must be at least 18 years of age and, preferably, human.
2. Please refrain from contributing borrowed, purchased, or rented vaginas. You must have the express, unconditional rights of ownership and, in certain circumstances, a title may be required.
3. I reserve first rights of refusal on all contributed vaginas, particularly with respect to any donations that have been associated with Mighty Dyckerson. Any refused donations may be sold on the secondary vagina market.
4. I reserve the right to use all contributed vaginas in any manner that I deem fit. While unlikely, potential applications may include, but are not restricted to; pencil holders, flower vases, heroin transportation contrivances, model rocket launchers, or umbrella stands.

You are probably wondering how I got to this point and the answer is; poor vagina budgeting. I simply let things get away from me until I was 4000 vaginas in the red. Sure, somewhere around the -500 vagina point, I realized I was in trouble, but I figured that I'd be able to change before things got out of hand. Never did I envision that it would begging strangers for 4000 vaginas. To put things in perspective, 4000 vaginas laid end to end is approximately the volumetric equivalent of 3 Grand Canyons or 0.614 Karlas.

Now, you're probably thinking, "What about the starving children of Africa? Aren't they more deserving of my charity than TFG?" The answer is no. For one, what are starving children going to do with truckloads of vaginas? It's food that they really need, so unless they plan to use said vaginas as burrito warmers, this would be counterproductive. Besides, it's an overabundance of vaginas that got them into that mess. If anything, those little fuckers should be sending me vaginas.

Thus,
it is hard to imagine a worthier cause, so make your donation today. How many of you have an unused vagina around the house that is just sitting around collecting dust? The sooner that I receive your vagina, the sooner I can put it to good use. Thanks for your contributions in advance.

47 Comments:

At 6:55 AM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

TFG as Blanch du Bois, depending on the kindness of strangers? I think a telethon is what needs to happen here. You could probably raise enough to keep you in business and have enough left over for the starving children and deprived bloggers.:-)

 
At 7:22 AM, Anonymous Claude said...

Look, buddy. You've said yourself that you knew you were getting into trouble and basically took no action. And now you want us to bail you out. Didn't you write a post about a year or so ago where your parents sent you a few hundred vaginas because you were in a bind?

You're just going to have to take a balls-to-the-wall, guerilla-style approach to this. Stop renting the expensive pay-per-view porn and watch the softcore stuff that comes with the Cinemax. Got some vibrators or K-Y that you're not using? Sell 'em on eBay. Stop handing out vaginas like they were so many tacos when you go out with your friends. And when all your other vagina-less friends think you're crazy, you'll know you're on the right track, as in:

"Hey, where's that collection of ball gags you had in the dungeon?"

"I sold them on eBay so I'd have enough vaginas."

"Dude, you're crazy!"

"Maybe so, but at least I got laid last night."

We all saw this trainwreck coming months ago.

 
At 7:55 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Give Until is Hurts?

I am but one vagina in a sea of vaginaness. How much can one vagina really do?

 
At 9:48 AM, Anonymous hanmee said...

I may have missed it, but I don't think you specified whether the vaginas could be used or not?

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Me got a couple o'spare vajayjays settin on blocks in Me backyard.
They need a bit of work, but me be pretty sure you can get 'em up and running. Me can even throw in a hair clipper, ok?

 
At 10:37 AM, Anonymous lori said...

Ahh, Sorry, No can do as the title to my Vagina is currently held by a Mr. "Holy Fatman" of Baltimore City. While he certainly likes to brag about said vagina and its many pleasures, he isn't willing to rent it out. I guess you can call him stingy, but, ah well.

Sorrrrryyyyyyyy!

 
At 10:42 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Sorry buddy, but I'm with Claude on this one. It's simply a matter of teaching you how to catch a fish (or something that smells similar) versus just handing you the fish. After all, there's people starving for vaginas in China.

It teaches character. I've had to work for vaginas all my life. They weren't just handed to me. Oh sure, perhaps there was the occasional free vagina during my college years, but those were crazy times that in no way represented what to expect in the real world.

Have you thought of saving up vaginas for those rainy days? Plus, you should know by now that you can't count on government to help you out. Especially Bush, Cheney and the Republicans. Hell, if they had their way, the filthy rich would have all of the vaginas. Pricks.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Man, I need to hold a dickathon.

 
At 11:29 AM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

WHAT??? You can actually ASK for vaginas?

geez... the only way I ever got them was with lots of liquor, strategicvally played Peter Gabriel Cd's and roofies.

If I'd known you could just ask for them...

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger karla said...

You reserve refusal rights on any donated vagina? That's a good one. We both know that, although you've never been offered so much as a quick peek at a real live vagina in your whole, empty life, there's no way you'd turn one down, even if it looked like something a terminally ill sea lion puked up on the shore.

 
At 3:37 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

"I think it's great that Snay is asking for money, so long as the contributions are purely voluntary and used in the manner that he prescribed."

Thank you.

Anyway, I think I've got some vaginas buried somewhere under my bedroom floor. I'll dig 'em up this weekend and send them your way.

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Listen, I'm all for giving to the needy. BUT, how can I know that my vagina will go to good use? How do I know that some corrupt dictator you're associated with won't just squander said vagina on frivolous things when I donated to make a difference? I need some kind of guarantee before I can just start donating a vagina willy nilly! Surely you see the ramifications of squandered vagina?

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Christ dude, your house is gonna smell like a tuna factory.

I'll donate Bea Arthur's vagina. I hope you don't mind a few cobwebs.

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger tfg said...

SJ-That's a hell of an idea: A Vagina-thon. I'll call Jerry Lewis and we'll put the labor back in Labor Day.

claude-I switched to generic vaginas months ago and have starting checking out sites like Freecycle. Seriously, your comment made laugh like a little kid.

ADW-Every vagina counts, you just need to believe.

hanmee-It was assumed that they'd be used. Where does one legally find new vaginas these days?

scary-You should really garage those Coochievahjayjayhoohaapoonanis. If you leave them outside, rodents are apt to nest in them.

lori-Yes, sometimes it's hard to give. That's why you need to help Mr. Fatman help himself and contribute anyway. Think of how thrilled he'll be with the deduction at tax time.

puerilewaite-Believe me, I'm already worried about the future. If I don't fund my 401V, I won't have any vaginas during my golden years.

broadsheet- Actually, as a vagina holder, you can walk up to any male in any bar and say, "Hi. I have a unused vagina. Let's go." It's a good thing I don't have one.

Dr. Z- Well, roofies cost money, so I thought try this.

karla-With enough quarters, there is no limit to the number of quick peeks one can receive.

snay-I was being satirical, Or sarcastic. Or tongue-in-cheeky. Or whatever you english majors call it.

sassy-My motto is: A vagina is a terrible thing to waste. Plus, the obligatory video tapes will demonstrate that your contribution was used in good faith.

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Works for me, as long as the "labor" part doesn't apply to me. We'll talk about coordinating the talent.:-)

 
At 8:37 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Wow, I'm thinking that the owner of a TFG-rejected vagina would be feeling pretty low after this post. And a weeping vagina is not a pretty sight.

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

Funny you should ask. I actually have a very large stable, if you will, of vaginas. In the biz, I'm known as a she-pimp. Donations I can't promise, but I'd be willing to 'lend' you several vajayjays - hell, I'd even thrown in the family rate. Just for you, though.

 
At 9:36 PM, Blogger DangerDoll said...

Wow. You don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm so moved that I'm willing to donate my own vagina to the cause.

Upkeep on the vagina has been stellar; indeed, passersby comment on its remarkable lack of wear and tear. It has already been used successfully as two out of the five applications you outline in #4, "Stipulations".

 
At 11:53 PM, Anonymous It's Me... Maven said...

Ya see, my mom always told me, "If you made money to buy something to eat from a restaurant, it's as if you cooked that food yourself." Now, utilizing THAT logic, if I made money to BUY you the best faux-vag money can buy... would that constitute me giving you my very own vag? If so, where do I mail the poontang?

 
At 11:55 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

"I was being satirical, Or sarcastic. Or tongue-in-cheeky. Or whatever you english majors call it."

Oh. My bad. For a second, I forgot you don't have a heart.

 
At 5:44 AM, Blogger tfg said...

dyck-I thought that they bronzed that thing.

SJ-I'll have my people call your people.

kalleigh-Don't think of it as rejection. It's more like you gave at the office.

arctic skipper-Good point. Vaginas are like anything else, cheaper when bought in bulk. Just a little harder to find at Sam's Club, though.

dd-That's spirit. If only more women had your giving spirit.

maven-What in the name of God is a faux vagina?

snay-I'd be tender, I'd be gentle
And awful sentimental, regarding love and art...
Don't be such a drama queen.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger TheHolyFatman said...

Oh..DD has shown up. Nice!

 
At 9:25 AM, Blogger DangerDoll said...

Yeah, there's nowhere to go from here but down. My presence generally sends the collective IQ of a site plummeting. A fun ride.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

Hmm, don't have a vagina to spare, but I do have an ass you can kiss! :)

 
At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Bonanza JellyBean said...

You forgot batons for number 4.

I like my vagina so I'm going to keep it for now. But if I ever get tired of it you'll be the first person I call.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger Tickersoid said...

I have no vagina to give but you're very welcome to my arsehole...

 
At 7:08 PM, Blogger Aza said...

After years of kegels….Well, I can crack walnuts with mine…need a nutcracker (or a workbench vise) and I’m your gal! Heh, I’m a hoot at the holidays!

 
At 9:38 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Aw geez, is that what happens when ya quit smoking?

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger tfg said...

holy fatman-It's always good when DDs show up. Always.

dangerdoll-You'd have to be some kind of miracle worker to pull that off.

bonanza-Baton twirling is a trick that I'm going to need to witness first hand.

tickers-Either you're a very generous fellow or he's got to be more than a bit gay

aza- Ummmmm....kegels.

cruisermel-I can't rule out the two being mutually exclusive.

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

In the end, will all those vaginas be worth it?

 
At 11:12 PM, Blogger Aza said...

If your woman can't open a coke bottle with her vagina...she doesn't know about kegels....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kegels

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger pissoff said...

I would like to be the first person to donate a vagina to your worthy cause.... Will a pocket pussy do?

 
At 10:06 AM, Blogger tampatsun said...

Hey tfg iffin you get more than ya asked fer, send the extras me way, will ya.

SPLOOGE

 
At 1:05 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

I'm not sure you've thought this through. Even if you're successful, 26 days later your furniture will be floating away on a river of blood.

 
At 3:57 PM, Blogger Charles said...

LMFAO

That...that was awesome!

But I'm afraid that I don't have any available vagina's for donation as I am looking for donations myself

HAH!

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

Good Luck with that...but be warned, sometimes you get what you ask for. Just one vagina can ruin a man.

 
At 4:43 PM, Blogger classyandfancy said...

I am willing to offer mine at a discounted rate for special occasions. Think of it as the moonwalk at birthday parties, but without the large capacity.

 
At 4:44 PM, Blogger Charles said...

I had to come back, because I just realized...

People out there asking for money to clear there debt, people out there asking for money to get material things they want, and then there is you asking for vagina (LOL)

Me hear I am on my blog asking people for coca-cola bottlecaps. I thought everyone else was strange, and then I re-read my post.

LMAO

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Do you want all the accessories that come with unknown vaginas? I mean, who knows what kinds of vaginas are out there? Big ones, small ones, short ones, tall ones. You gotta figure there will be accessories there...

 
At 7:53 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

You know, T, once you have all these spare parts under your roof, you're going to be responsible for their upkeep. And this isn't even including the accessories that Sassy Blondie mentioned. For example, you probably should start stockpiling feminine hygiene products now; you're going to need a boatload. And what about the squabbles that are sure to arise? You're going to have some major catfights on your hands. Also, some of them are going to get sick. Now might be a good time to go ahead and order a whole vat of Monistat. I'm just saying; you have to think about this stuff.

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Pink said...

so...you prefer human...but what's your second choice?
xx
pinks

 
At 4:48 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Is this a charitable contribution that I can claim on my taxes? If so, I'm going to need a receipt.

Please advise.

The Legal Eagle

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

Have you tried posting an ad in the newspaper as well? Papering the subway with fliers? Skywriting?

I came by to comment that I thought your "Damn Orioles" poem was beautiful, and I end up being panhandled for vajayjays. Craziest thing.

 
At 5:47 PM, Anonymous themuttprincess said...

If I happen upon a spare vagina I will send it your way.

I would hate for a vagina to have dust on it or be unwanted.

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger Laura said...

Sorry, TFG, but I just donated two heaping boxes of vaginas to AmVets. You're about a week too late!

 
At 7:15 PM, Blogger Aza said...

Ya know, after giving this some serious thought (I’m all about charity work!) I’m wondering what your position is on antique vaginas? Cause that could open up a whole new area of vagina acquisition!

 
At 11:25 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Nothing new from you in a week...you must be buried in all those vaginas.

 

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