Sunday, May 06, 2007

Does Size Really Matter?

Today, I will tackle a question that has been plaguing humanity for centuries. No, I won't be providing the meaning of life (I've already taken care of that on myspace), but I can assure you that it will be just as enlightening. As the title of this post alludes to, I am trying to determine whether certain females truly believe that size is important.

Obviously, it's not just a simple matter of asking. Women tend to be kind-hearted creatures, so I doubt that many would decimate the delicate male ego by saying that it wasn't big enough.
Instead, I expect if that were true, most ladies would merely feign satisfaction and allow the guy to believe that it was sufficient. I imagine that this type of thing could go on for years and even decades.

On the other hand, perhaps there is some truth to idea that size really isn't that important. Maybe there are other factors that outweigh size, such as timing or the means of delivery. For some women, it is quite possible that the physical aspects of it are entirely eclipsed by the emotional facets. This has always made me wonder if there is any truth to the cliche: It's not the size, but it's all in what you do with it.

These are challenging questions. Unfortunately, I don't have all of the answers. All I can say with any degree of certainty is that I'm sincerely glad that I've got a huge one:






PS: If any of you have any bright ideas about a good way to package this monstrosity for interstate shipping, without bending or rolling it, I'm all ears.

29 Comments:

At 4:38 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I think there are laws against shipping Rice Crispies and bottled water.

Size does matter. I'd much rather have a big piece of cake than a small one; a sweatshirt that's too big rather than too small; a stone in a piece of jewelry that I can see without a microscope. Oh, you meant... Unh-unh, I ain't touching that.:)

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm a bit more concerned that you have a MySpace page. No good can come of that.

 
At 6:39 PM, Blogger Variant E said...

How much size would it take to matter? What if you are the size of a horse? That would be negative the other way.

 
At 7:39 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

HA- very funny- as I was reading, I was gearing up my answer on girth versus length!

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger tfg said...

SJ- Get your mind out of the gutter--this is a family blog. :)

dyck-Yeah, myspace is pretty creepy, actually. I created the page after the locally famous "myspace murder" to check out the profiles of kooky bastards. Here's one that's particularly disturbing: http://www.myspace.com/mightydyckerson

variant e-Well, I expect that when I get to the post office, size is going to matter a whole bunch.

gucci-Ahhh, I believe that's known as Pieplate Syndrome.

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Relax! I was talking about birthday cake and Winnie the Pooh sweatshirts -- definitely family-oriented.:)

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger karla said...

Your mom told me you had a big one, but I thought she was just bragging. She was drunk off her ass, and you know how mouthy she gets when she's like that.

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

OK, the most amusing thing is:

On your myspace, ACW is listed as your friend. Or "friend". And on my PC screen, it shows as:

Anonymous Cow Orker.

Now I know what you Baltimore dudes do on the weekends. Cow Orking.

 
At 9:48 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

let me see your hands and I'll tell you how big it is...

 
At 10:00 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

There is no way that thing will make it unless you fold...

MySpace guys? Come on....

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

THAT is freakishly big. I have never seen anything like it.

 
At 3:48 AM, Blogger Tickersoid said...

Obviously you think your mum likes a big one.

 
At 3:57 AM, Blogger The Grunt said...

Um, you could turn it into a glider and fly it to it's destination.

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger Kira said...

a little creative origami?

 
At 8:38 AM, Anonymous Jessica said...

Put it on a piece of cardboard to give it a firm backing. Then wrap it well with saran wrap so it won't get wet in the mail (in case it rains). If you have sheets of bubble wrap, that will work, also. Make sure the saran wrap is on firmly so the card won't slide around. You could probably get away with just wrapping the whole thing in brown paper, but to be more secure, you can get a painting box at any moving or storage company. I don't think the USPS or UPS has the size/shape box you would need. If you feel crafty, you can make the box yourself in the exact size. Postage will be very expensive, but your mother will be thrilled:)

 
At 8:43 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

With a little spit and a lot of patience, the elephant deflowered the flea. As for the card. You could always load it on a flatbed

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

On second thought. Run the thing through a shredder and give it to her as a puzzle. That way mother's day will last longer.
STOMP!

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Awwww.. How freaking sweet. Send it by carrier pigeon(s), it will mean so much more to her.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

What Jessica said, plus, write DO NOT BEND all over the brown paper that you'll use to cover the card.

 
At 12:40 PM, Blogger Hanmee said...

Of course it matters.

(With regard to your subject matter, it is not the only thing that matters and the most important thing that matters, but it is a nice variable.)

All good americans know, the bigger the better.

That's why we're getting so fat!

That reminds me - I need to make a stop at Krispy Kreme.

 
At 3:13 PM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

i'm familiar with those little wax candy bottles, but where'd you get such a tiny box of rice crispies?

 
At 3:32 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

I've got a big 'un too. But it's hand-delivered and intended for my wife.

 
At 9:37 PM, Blogger tfg said...

SJ-Actually, I think I've even perverted Winnie the Pooh on here.

karla-Don't believe everything you hear on the cell block.

LOTI-I can attest to the fact that ACW has been a known Cow Orker from way back when.

revree-I thought you were over your hand fetish.

sassy-Myspace provides entertainment value. There have been quite a few high profile criminals that have pages there.

corn dog-I get that all of the time.

tickersoid-I'd rather not think about that, actually.

the grunt-Or I could house 13 mexicans under it.

kira-No folding, remember?

jessica-Thanks. I may try the cardboard backing and brown paper.

scary-Mom has a wicked sense of humor, too. I'd hate find all my G.I. Joe comic books in little pieces.

adw-That would have to be a bigass pigeon.

ACW-Damn good thinking.

hanmee-Are you telling me that I can fatten it up like a Christmas turkey?

j$-OK, I pillaged Smurf Village. Those little blue bastards were looking for trouble...

rogue-I'm going to guess that your gift comes with latex wrapping paper.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Winnie? Really? More so than those, you know, tater tots?:)

 
At 12:01 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

I'm not sure if size matters, but I do know women don't like it when it's wrinkled, stained, or done by hand.

 
At 9:15 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

I'm talking about body size. What are YOU talking about?

Plumps when you cook 'em? Perhaps you're getting my comment confused with ballpark hotdogs? (Or am I confused...that's entirely possible.)

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

What, you have to put that thing in the mail?? Forget it! It will probably cost $50 to mail that sucker. Good luck with that. But, being female, I'm sure your mom will appreciate the large size since I don't know any chick that really believes size doesn't matter.

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger pissoff said...

They say size doesn't matter but that it's the motion of the ocean. So, it depends if you're sending it surface mail or air mail.

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

"They say size doesn't matter but that it's the motion of the ocean"

Yeah, but it takes a LONG time to get to England in a row boat.

 

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