Sunday, May 13, 2007


I hope you don't take offense, but I'd like to kill you. It's not that I have anything against you personally, it's just that I want to kill every single thing on this planet, with the exception of dogs. Now, you are probably thinking that this just sounds like a typical day in the life of Mr. Sunshine-Rainbows-and-Kitten-Farts, but I can assure that is not the case.

The cause of current foul mood can be directly attributed to the fact that I have not smoked a cigarette in over 4 days or approximately 345,600 seconds. It is said that smoking is as difficult to quit as heroin. Although heroin may be cheaper, I don't plan on taking up smack to conduct a thorough comparison. Thus, let it suffice to say that the last 4 days have sucked copious volumes of unadulterated ass.

Fortunately, I have employed the a smoking cessation strategy, otherwise known as drugs. I have been taking a new prescription drug called Chantix (varenicline) for the previous 10 days. Chantix works via a 3 pronged strategy:

1. One of the side effects of Chantix is that it induces nausea nearly immediately after consumption. Nothing quells the urge for a cigarette like the urge to vomit. On the upside, I've developed a new sport, similar to Geocaching, which I like to call Puking for Points. Once the nausea wears off, though, I'm back to my willingness to kill a few drifters solely for the purpose of extracting the nicotine from their blood.

2. A bottle of 56 Chantix (1 mg) tablets, which is a 28 day supply, costs $130. For reasons that nobody can explain to me, neither my previous or current employer's benefit plan covers this medicine. (Of course, if I continue to smoke, they will cover the chemotherapy and associated lung cancer treatments.) The bottom line is that it is just expensive to buy Chantix as cigarettes. Thus, my thrifty, partial-German heritage has proven advantageous, as there is no way in hell that I'm buying both.

3. The packaging and delivery scheme of Chantix is conducive to smoking cessation. The tablets are minuscule, which makes them easy to ingest and particularly difficult to keep lit. The genius of Pfizer's packaging design is illustrated in the following picture:

On the left side of the package, you will observe two rows of Chantix tablets, with two pills per column. Each column equates to a daily oral dosage, so a full week's regimen is in pictured. If the patient slips up and smokes during this period, they have to administer the "Punisher," which is the cayenne pepper suppository pictured on the right. (I don't know what smokers who are into BDSM are supposed to do.)

Thus, it looks like after 20 years of smoking, I am on the path to clean living. That's not to say that I am prepared to swear off the occasional Macanudo. I admit that every once in a great while, I enjoy a good cigar and I can't see any reason why I should stop. Sure, I'll no longer be able to do so orally and I may even refrain from lighting them first, but I'm sure that this is a strategy that's guaranteed to pay off in the end.


At 9:33 PM, Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

Ugh, I was a complete and utter BITCH for the first 3 weeks when I quit. (Note to anyone else out there thinking about quitting - Cinco de Mayo is NOT a good day to quit smoking.) I do not envy you at all right now. It's totally worth it though, which I realize is just about the last thing you want to hear right now. Go ahead and cyber-punch me. You'll feel better.

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Ugh! Quitting smoking is HARD. I've quit a couple of times and I swear people were asking me to start up again because I turned into Total Raving Bitch Woman. Of course, every time I've quit, some major catastrophe happened -- NOT conducive to stopping. Good luck! I hope the drugs do the trick for you.

At 10:24 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

I take it that this is WAY harder than when you gave up drinking? I say that with all sincerity. I've never smoked, but I have quit drinking for long periods of time and it's not hard at all.

Good luck and good thoughts. You're doing great.

At 10:26 PM, Blogger thejunkyswife said...

Hah. Omnicide.

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dude, Ms. Babble could have saved you a fortune. If you wanted instant nausea, all you had to do was read her blog.

At 11:39 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Me can give up drinking, but smoking makes me feel like Prometheus. Me just hope me can avoid being chained to a rock.


Besides, me no quitter!

At 12:10 AM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

Good luck saying good bye to the smokes.

At 5:24 AM, Blogger j.a.s. said...

the punisher. fucking brillant.

At 5:39 AM, Blogger tfg said...

kadonkadonk-Actually, I keep telling myself that it will be worth it. Fortunately, I'm an asshole most of the time, so most people can't even tell.

SJ-It's funny how many of my smoking friends like to "help" by offering cigarettes. I guess the cliche is true: "Nobody likes a quitter."

broadsheet-I'll have to get back to you on that one.

thejunkyswife-Like that?

mightydyckerson-Yeah, but she only posts once a month.

scary-I've always been more of a chainer than a chainee.

corn dog-Thanks.

jas-Thanks. Talk about burning the candle at both ends.

At 7:38 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

$130?!! How 'bout instead, everytime you get the urge to light up, one of us kicks you in the nuts for a quarter? We're always happy to help one of our own.

At 7:59 AM, Anonymous Claude said...

Never having started smoking, I can't say that I empathize with your specific plight, but stopping cocaine was no picnic, and I wasn't even a heavy user. However, I know plenty of people who have quit smoking successfully and I wish you luck.

The only person I ever saw go cold turkey from smoking was my grandfather. He told me once that the doctor said to him, "If you keep smoking, it will kill you." (Implying that this death would be imminent.) Grandpa said "OK, I'm done" and that was that. He died anyway, about twenty-five years later, so I guess statistics caught up with him.

At 8:10 AM, Blogger ADW said...

OOOhhh... I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have stopped smoking (can't say quit because that would be forever) several times and I am an even bigger bitch off of the Nic.

On the plus side, you should really do a couple of video blogs about the process and maybe even have someone follow you around just to see how mean you can get... Please? It's like watching a train headed for a semi - we won't be able to take our eyes off of the action.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

Good for you! So sorry it sucks right now. I offer up my husband's boss's wife for you to kill free and clear. I'll frame someone else, and believe me, there will be no shortage of suspects. Stay strong!

At 9:12 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Good luck with the new medicine; I know this ordeal really tests your self-discipline!

Still, I continue to wonder from a philosophical standpoint ... if it's so obvious that quitting smoking is so crazy difficult, why does anyone even start these days? Does the legality of it fool people into thinking it's harmless and non-addictive despite what quitters go through? You've been smoking since you were young and stupid but what's the excuse for kids these days who are just starting?

At 9:20 AM, Blogger karla said...

Usually I find people who are quitting smoking to be disagreeable pricks ready to start a fight over nothing. Since you were that way right from the start, I say carry on, friend. Good for you for quitting smoking--smoking is heinous. But those pills look like birth control pills.

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Charles said...

Are you sure that big pill on the left isn't one of those suicide pills that secret agents take when they are captured. LMAO

That thing looks like you would choke on it if you swallowed it.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger tfg said...

puerilewaite- No way. I typically only pay a dime to have that done.

claude-My grandfather quit cold turkey, too. He, also, was the only person I've known that succeeded that way.

ADW-That whole self-incrimination thing has never done much for me.

katherine-Thanks. I'll be addressing one option for your boss's wife in a future post.

kalleigh-Oddly enough, I didn't start smoking to be cool. I started to stunt my growth and ensure a successful midget porn career.

karla-Birth control pills? Well, I guess that would explain the new boobies.

Charles-Actually, the "pill" on the right isn't really a pill. It's a spacer that's thermoformed into the packaging. Maybe that's why it costs $130.

At 7:32 PM, Anonymous Bonanza JellyBean said...

You could always just masturbate every time you want a cigarette. But the problem with that is you'll want a cigarette after you masturbate. So you'll just have to masturbate all the time until something just goes numb and you want to fall asleep.

At 12:17 AM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

I quit cold turkey a few times, the last time for good. I quit once when I was a kid. I used to dry and smoke grape vine, only this time I got hold of some poison sumac and smoked it accidentally. Quit cold turkey after I got out of the ER that time for about 5 years.

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

"One of the side effects of Chantix is that it induces nausea nearly immediately after consumption."

Apparently my wife has been using Chantix to spice up her cooking.

Thank you! Good night!

At 9:37 AM, Blogger DBDP said...

"A bottle of 56 Chantix (1 mg) tablets, which is a 28 day supply, costs $130. For reasons that nobody can explain to me, neither my previous or current employer's benefit plan covers this medicine"

The answer is simple. Compared to living to a ripe old age, cigarettes kill cheaply. I was considering going the Chantix route myself. I know that this is perhaps the worst time to ask you this, but would you recommend Chantix?

At 9:40 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

Your insurance provider's logic sounds a lot like some of the PPOs I used to have.

1) They would charge $15 for generic and $25 for name brand. However, I was and am unaware of any birth control pills that are "generic" - correct me if I'm wrong please - they are all brand names so you automatically have to pay $25 2) Another wouldn't cover birth control pills at all, but would gladly cover the cost of prenatal visits, labor and delivery charges, as well as any preventative or necessary checkups for the child.

(I'm no longer a personal supporter of the BCPs, but I just thought this was interesting.)

You also tangientally remind me of the fact that to be eligible for one of those gastric bypasses, I need to be at least 100 lbs overweight. So, I need to either drop 70 lbs or gain 30 and ask my provider to cover the bypass. Which is easier (tastier)?

Getting back to your post, I notice they only provide 1 suppository if you should falter (or 1 per week, not sure). What if you slip up more?

Good luck to you on this!

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Tickersoid said...

Gave up a year ago. I feel so smug.

At 5:24 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Good luck quitting! Remember, it's better then being on oxygen!

At 7:20 PM, Blogger tfg said...

bonanza jellybean- In the interest of efficiency, I usually smoke while Waxing the the Bishop.

corndog-I knew a family that burned some wood with poison ivy on it while camping. They, too, spent some quality time in the hospital.

crunchy bc- I'm not so sure--those pancakes that she made me were on time.

dookie- I do--see your e-mail.

hanmee- Thanks. I have never understood insurance company logic. I expect that this is no accident, either.

tickers- Yes, but it was easier for you. Trust me, I've tried British cigarettes.

legaleagle-This is very true.

At 9:54 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Perhaps if you use visualization, you will recognize that cigarettes y cigars are but symbols of the phallus. So, in that vein...well, you get the picture.

I quit 3 mos ago...and I wish I'd tried something to help. I still want to tackle anyone who smells like smoke. And I only took up smoking 2 years ago (long story, not interesting)

Best of luck, and I certainly hope your pukiness subsides.

At 9:55 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

You're my hero. I don't even have the nerve to try to quit.

Um, are you sure those aren't birth control pills?

At 12:25 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

Dude, this is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. I suggest you start smoking again and then stop for a few days every once in a while, just for my entertainment.

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Arlene said...

Kudos to you!! I'm really excited for you, even though you're not yet :-)

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Love Deisel's comment!!!!STOMP.

Just wanted to let you know that Phillip Morris just produced a report that sez death from smoking be just as final as death by not smoking.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Phillip Morris just produced a report that sez death from smoking be just as final as death by not smoking.

Scary's my kind of monster. LOL. The way I see it, something's going to kill me for sure. I think I'd rather it be something I enjoy than something I'd hate.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Don't be silly. If you kill everything on this planet except the dogs who the heck is going to play catch with them all? Huh? Did you think of that? Huh?

You gotta work these things out before you start making silly statements like that.

At 10:16 PM, Blogger tfg said...

sassy- Quitting w/ nothing takes cajones. Or cajonettes. Or whatever--you get the idea.

cruisermel-No, I don't think they are birth control pills because I'm knocked up again.

diesel-Thanks. This is high praise considering the source.

arlene-Thanks. So far, so good,

scary-I don't know--cancer looks a lot deathier to me.

SJ-As I've said before, I plan on dying at the hands of a jealous husband.

dan- Well, I probably would since I hadn't planned on killing myself, too.

At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I quit 6 weeks ago and it still isn't easy. Hope you're hanging in there. I've been told it's worth it but I still miss the warm evening, bottle of wine, good book and full pack of smoky treats...

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

When you successfully kick the habit (yes, the eternal optimist), will your robot's cigarette disappear? Surely that would be too tempting for you to see all the time...

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Deb said...

When I quit I had dreams that I'd "relapsed" and smoked and I was so messed up.

A killing rampage might be a little extreme...try throwing things while swearing really loud. That helps.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger said...

nice post,
by the way,
have you been on XEOSS

Don't miss it!

Have a good day..

At 11:54 PM, Blogger Kira said...

I wish you luck.
My husband smoked, for many years, 2 and a half packs a day. He quit with the patch and then chewed the gum... for six months. He's been cigarette free since 1999.
He still loves the smell when I come back in from a bar though... and he still misses them!

At 3:38 AM, Blogger Aza said...

Try taking 2 ginger capsules 30 minutes before you take the Chantix


Take .05 in the morning (right after you eat a little something- this sounds wrong but trust me, it drastically reduces the barf feeling) and .05 in the evening (right before bed after a small snack) by cutting the pill in half. That way you feel less vomitie and you're on less of a chemical roller coaster since the drug doesn't have the chance to begin wearing off.

Hang in there.

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

I quit 10 years ago.

My advice: stick your head in a freezer when you get a craving.

It might work on the craving, but you'll look awfully funny with your ass sticking out of a freezer


Good luck with it. Drink the blood of small animals if you must, but hang in will make it. First 3 days a killer, 3 weeks and you're chemically much cleaner...hang on!

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Good Luck TFG-I hope its getting easier for you!

At 9:24 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

Now what do you do after having really good sex?


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