Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I've been rather busy lately. Consequently, this post will provide a veritable cornucopia of crap:

1. New RobotPictureThingy. I'd like to thank Corn Dog for the new and improved robot on my profile picture. Notice that the robot is now smoke free, as am I. Nice bit of photoshopping there:

2. Yuppies in da Hood. Silly white folks, nobody said being edgy was going to be easy. The people down there are there because they have to be. You are there because you want to be. Being a color-coded have in an ocean of have nots is none too clever. I sincerely hope nothing bad befalls you, but if it does, I suggest the following epitaph, "Black people really liked me. Well, most of them did."

3. Treblinka Diet. As some of you remember, I performed a dietary experiment last year where I only consumed 500 calories/day. I affectionately named the experiment The Auschwitz Diet, because it was a book about concentration camps that spawned the experiment. The experiment went on for 8 weeks and I ended up losing about 25 lbs.

It has taken a year to gain most of that weight back. At work, we have a pool of 12 who have entered an 8 week contest to see who can lose the most weight, relative to their initial weight. The entry fee is $100 and my initial weight is 180 lbs. I'm going up against some real big guys (300lbs+), but because the contest is based on relative weight loss, I think I've got it in the bag.

4. Assclown. Apparently, archenemies aren't just for superheroes anymore (Unless drooling is now considered a super power.) Regardless, my pain has a name and that name is: SnackDouche. Here is a photo of SnackDouche in action:

Note what lane SnackDouche is in while driving at 50 mph on the intersate. Traffic is not bad in this shot, but at least once a week for the last several months, I've run into a large backup that he has created by blocking the left lane while barely doing the speed limit.

Once, I got close enough to him to see that he was doing it intentionally. He'd speed up to stop anyone from passing on the right. After 15 minutes of this, I was sufficiently pissed to pass him in a left hand exit lane. SnackDouche never saw me until it was too late. He tried to stop me from getting back in, but I don't believe Utz trucks are built for such things. Now, whenever SnackDouche sees me, he tries to cut me off or block me from passing. I've developed several strategies for getting by him, but eventually he's just going to plow into me with that goddamned thing. I should stow pepper spray and a tub of sour cream dip in my car for that eventuality.


At 12:52 AM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

You're welcome. Congrats on staying smoke free. It's difficult. I know.

Hey, I love the hood but I'm kind of on the border. The hood loves me.. I think..or like you said, until it doesn't.

At 12:55 AM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

I can't believe you ate only 500 Kcal daily for 8 weeks. Why? How was it? Did you start seeing visions by the end of 2 months?

If I were to try something like that, I'm pretty sure that all I think about would be food. I'm not sure it would go well for me, or for anyone who walked by me dressed in a cream-puff costume.

At 8:20 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

That assclown is a Putz. There, I said it. Somebody had to.

At 8:49 AM, Anonymous hanmee said...

I wasn't sure if you could right another high-caliber post to rival your request for va-jay-jay, but I'm glad that you can make even ordinary conversation interesting.

1) Nice photo. And congrats on being smoke free!
3) It took you a YEAR to put that on. Was that planned or accidental because I could very easily teach you to gain it in a lot less time than that (I'm thinking a couple of months or less). And I'm sure my way would be a lot more fun (one key item rhymes with Hen & Berries).
Watch out for the heavy fellas as they can drop a bunch of weight just by drinking more water. Also, what is their age relative to yours? The younger you are, the easier time you have.
4) What an a-hole. It's one thing to be slow and not care if people pass you, but to try to block them is ridiculous.

At 8:50 AM, Anonymous hanmee said...

oops..i meant write...not's too early.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

I can't wait for the return of the Auschwitz diet. Are you going with subs again, or are you just going to start with Ensure?

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Randy Sexer said...

RE: SnackDouche--

Three possible solutions:

1.) get behind him and take down the tag number, call his company, and tell them that the driver of this truck is intentionally causing traffic jams and thus alienating thousands of potetial customers of Utz Snacks, then take pleasure in the fact that he will likely be fired/written up

2.) follow him until he stops for gas, put a pistol in the glovebox under the registration when he goes inside to pay, then later call 911 from an unregistered prepay cellphone and say that you're an Utz deliveryman who was just carjacked by a psychopath who said he's "on a jihad to kill as many cops as possible", call the local news and say the same thing, then go home and watch it all on your TV

3.) leave 15 minutes earlier

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Wow! Congratulations on your stop smoking success! Does life seem sweeter now?

SnackDouche...I just can't get past the moniker! LOL

At 4:22 PM, Blogger tfg said...

corn dog-I rarely think about cigarettes at all. Probably because I'm so hungry.

greeny-Once I got used to it, it was the best that I'd felt in 10 years. The first week is a little rough, though.

puerilewaite- If by putz, you mean atomic dildo, then I'd be inclined to agree.


1.)I've had one day off since 5-28. It's a wonder I posted in english.
3.)I found that out at the first weigh in. One guy dropped 16lbs in a week.

ACW-Ensure and roughage to keep things moving.

randy-I like 1 and 2, but 3 won't work. I see this assclown at all hours of the day.

Sassy-Yes. Especially when I'm not shelling out $4/pack on cigarettes.

At 4:28 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

My God, you've taken up masochism, haven't you? The Auschwitz Diet AND no cigarettes?! I'd be climbing the walls. SnackDouches annoy me. Badly. To the point of questioning exactly why it's illegal to shoot them.

CD did a great job on the new picture thingy. Did you notice your head now looks just a bit more square?:-)

At 8:20 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

The robot looked much cooler with the cigarette. Give him a lollipop or something, for chrissakes.

And give the Utz guy a break. He's on a mission. He takes his life in his hands every time climbs aboard that truck, so that fatasses like you and your co-workers can snack on delicious salted potato products.

At 8:33 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 8:43 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

F**k! me can't type! Must be gettin the dt's
Right. Your quitting the nicotine habit and giving up pizza all at the same time. Sheeeet me be worried for the Snack Douche and all the other drivers in yer area.
iffin yer over weight at 180 lbs you must be an oompa loompa

At 11:13 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Don't you know that SnackDouche is purposely trying to tempt you by causing you to read the name of his company on his ass? He was hired by your coworkers. They really want to win.

At 8:00 AM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Strip down when you weigh yourself the second time. And take off your shoes. My shoes weight at least 18 pounds. Each. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

And, great job on staying smoke free!

At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Bonanza JellyBean said...

That's so funny- SnackDouche is my dog's name.

At 11:11 AM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Glad the cigarette is gone. Now can you make him stop staring at my crotch?

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

I should state that I felt guilty for reading this post before my grocery trip and THEN buying Utz potato chips.

I wouldn't recommend keeping a tub of sour cream dip in your car through a Maryland summer, though. Unless you're about as dim as my son who tried a sip of his McDonalds milk after it sat for two hours in a hot Nissan while we meandered around Fort McHenry. Actually, I bet THAT tasted a bit like sour cream dip by then!

At 9:10 PM, Blogger karla said...

That robot looks a little faggy to me, not that there's anything with with that. When I run across a gay robot, I always feel compelled to try to turn him straight.

At 1:07 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

That UTZ truck is annoying- what is that- you seeing him at all hours of the day? Have you tried cutting in front of him and throwing on the brakes?

And why on earth would you just eat 500 calories per day? You need some vice in life! I admire your will power, unbelievable!

At 2:05 PM, Blogger tfg said...

SJ-For whatever reason, MD does not recognize the left lane as a passing lane. Thus, these guys are legally protected.

Dyck-What you can't see is that the robot is shooting a dime bag out side of the picture.

scary-I was about 10 lbs overweight, but for $1200 I'll try for 20 lbs.

cruiser-You might be on to something there. Those bastards...

legaleagle-I keep forgetting about the lead Ben Wa balls. They always screw up the weigh in.

bonanza-That must be a barrel of laughs at the dog park.



karla-Actually, his appearance is deceptive--he's a bit of a kinkster, I'm afraid.

muse-Yes, I am a veritable Puritan, these days. Well, except for the midget I tried to pick up at the airport yesterday.

At 7:49 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Legally protected? They ought to change that.

Puritanism is highly over-rated. There must be more agreeable midgets at the airport. Try again!:-)


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