Sunday, March 12, 2006

Undercover Non-Brother

It has been established that I am to stupid to ever be Jewish. It has also come to my attention that I am probably never going to be black. Not that I am saying that there is anything wrong with being black. Most, if not all, of my African-American friends are black and have been years. Nor am I particularly unhappy about being white, but I'm the kind of guy who likes to keep his options open.

I never even knew that being black was a possibility, until I lived in the Midwest. Midwestern teens take their fashion cues from MTV. If MTV were to show celebrities with flaming cowpies on their heads, you can bet that there would be an instantaneous fertilizer shortage plaguing the heartland. Thus, when Eminem became popular, there was a plethora of very white kids who started acting and speaking like gangstas in the midwest and other places where there are no actual black people. When I learned that Slim Shady and I are the same age, I realized that I, too, could become become black. However, in retrospect, I see that I was fooling myself. I have about as much chance of successfully becoming a black person as Dale Earnhart Jr., or even Condoleeza Rice.

My first problem being black would definitely be with fashion. At left, is a photo of R&B singer Chris Brown at a Grammys party. Although you've never seen me, believe me when I say that there is no amount of alcohol that would make me look good in a lavender suit. In other words, if the guy in the picture knocked on your door, you'd invite him in for drinks and dinner. If I knocked on your door in a lavender suit, you'd press some candy into hand and tell me that I'm getting a little too old for trick-or-treating.

On C-Love's blog, A Day in the Life of a Hip Hop Heroine, I found the follow picture. It is an ad for Style Warz, which is a monthly Baltimore MC contest, organized and promoted by C Love. From what she says, C Love's goal is to emphasize the positive aspects of Hip Hop to the youth of Baltimore. The ad references a site called, which gives the rules for Style Warz. At, I found the following contest rules: "Each MC performs 1 verse & hook (between 16 & 24 bars) to a beat selected by the DJ....These 2 MCs compete for best 2 of 3 rounds (#1 verse/hook, #2 freestyle, #3 freestyle w/ 3 provided words)." I have no idea what verses, hooks, and freestyles refer to, but if I were to compete, I'd bet I'd be the only cracker to show up with a Bible, a fishing pole, and swimming trunks.

In conclusion, I think that I'd best leave being black to genuine black people. If I were to make to the transition, it is inevitable that I'd be forced to bust a cap in my ass because I couldn't keep it real. Peace.


At 12:32 AM, Blogger C Love "The Rap Addict" said...

LOL! i stumbled upon your entry..Thank you for the love

Verse - That is the part of the rap song that has all the words

Hook - is the repetive or easiest part to remember because you hear it more than once

Spit - to rap

Anytime....LOL! Thanks for the shout out for Style Warz!!

At 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is this your way of telling us that you are you are packing a small package?

At 10:10 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Reminds me of the "Testicles for Kneecaps" Southpark epidsode.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Wow that had me crackin up yo!

I found your journal through a fellow blogger. You made a good point, not all African Americans are what people consider "Black". Half of the time I don't even know some of the words coming out of my sisters and my brother's mouth and I am black.

At 3:56 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 8:01 PM, Blogger tfg said...

C Love-Thanks setting for me straight. Good luck with Style Warz.

anon-That wasn't exactly what I was getting at, but I'm going to have to say that the stereotype about white boys applies.

Idle-I have never watched South Park. Yes, I live under a rock.


At 10:03 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

I've discovered that it's a little bit difficult to be a gangsta as gold chains completely lose their impact when draped over a parka and matched with bunny boots.

That said, you friends visiting Alaska are nuts and don't realize that the entire population here is trying to get OUT and we can't comprehend that people actually want to come IN. If they're here on vacation, the general consensus is that they must be a little off; therefore, we all raise our prices in the summer in order to scalp as much fundage as we can before visitors return home. So, by all means, send your friends and their wallets my way! :P

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Even with c love explaining... I'm just too white to understand. Damn.

What I want to know is how the brothers work this pimpin' thing. How do I get some of THAT action?

At 8:38 PM, Blogger LadyCelticFire said...

HA too funny LOL Just made me giggle... Will be thinking about the Bible, fishing pole and swim trunks LMAO

At 3:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dead give away that you'll always be white--that's Kanye West at the Grammys, not Chris Brown.


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