Undercover Non-Brother

It has been established that I am to stupid to ever be Jewish. It has also come to my attention that I am probably never going to be black. Not that I am saying that there is anything wrong with being black. Most, if not all, of my African-American friends are black and have been years. Nor am I particularly unhappy about being white, but I'm the kind of guy who likes to keep his options open.

I never even knew that being black was a possibility, until I lived in the Midwest. Midwestern teens take their fashion cues from MTV. If MTV were to show celebrities with flaming cowpies on their heads, you can bet that there would be an instantaneous fertilizer shortage plaguing the heartland. Thus, when Eminem became popular, there was a plethora of very white kids who started acting and speaking like gangstas in the midwest and other places where there are no actual black people. When I learned that Slim Shady and I are the same age, I realized that I, too, could become become black. However, in retrospect, I see that I was fooling myself. I have about as much chance of successfully becoming a black person as Dale Earnhart Jr., or even Condoleeza Rice.

My first problem being black would definitely be with fashion. At left, is a photo of R&B singer Chris Brown at a Grammys party. Although you've never seen me, believe me when I say that there is no amount of alcohol that would make me look good in a lavender suit. In other words, if the guy in the picture knocked on your door, you'd invite him in for drinks and dinner. If I knocked on your door in a lavender suit, you'd press some candy into hand and tell me that I'm getting a little too old for trick-or-treating.


On C-Love's blog, A Day in the Life of a Hip Hop Heroine, I found the follow picture. It is an ad for Style Warz, which is a monthly Baltimore MC contest, organized and promoted by C Love. From what she says, C Love's goal is to emphasize the positive aspects of Hip Hop to the youth of Baltimore. The ad references a site called spithotter.com, which gives the rules for Style Warz. At spithotter.com, I found the following contest rules: "Each MC performs 1 verse & hook (between 16 & 24 bars) to a beat selected by the DJ....These 2 MCs compete for best 2 of 3 rounds (#1 verse/hook, #2 freestyle, #3 freestyle w/ 3 provided words)." I have no idea what verses, hooks, and freestyles refer to, but if I were to compete, I'd bet I'd be the only cracker to show up with a Bible, a fishing pole, and swimming trunks.

In conclusion, I think that I'd best leave being black to genuine black people. If I were to make to the transition, it is inevitable that I'd be forced to bust a cap in my ass because I couldn't keep it real. Peace.