Thursday, March 16, 2006

An Explicit Look Into My Drawers

For decade, there has been a question that has been plaguing humanity: What's going on in TFG's drawers? Many a virologist and aspiring adult entertainer have attempted to solve this mystery, without success. Today, I put all of these questions to rest.

Of all of the plastic toys in my drawers, the yellow chicken is my favorite. Although it was designed as a keychain, I've found that it's entirely worthless in this capacity. However, it compensates for this shortcoming by satisfying my primary toy criteria, which is the ability to project spherical objects from its butt.

My drawers are home to many keys, these are just some of them. I have only the vaguest recollection of what most of the keys go to. For example, the leftmost set of keys unlocks something in Illinois. The middle set clearly keys an automobile lock, but not mine. I haven't a clue regarding the remaining set. The only thing that I am certain of is that if I throw them out, I'll find out precisely what they go to at a most inopportune moment. Trust me, there is nothing more embarassing than having Tyra Banks show up, in heat, and not being able to produce the key to her chastity belt.

Not only do I have large quantities of bullshit in my drawers, I have a book about bullshit, as well. On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt, is an eighty page treatise dedicated to establishing a philosophical framework for the analysis of bullshit. Frankfurt goes on to examine the potential ramifications of bullshitting on contemporary American society.

The fact that Frankfurt is a Professor Emeritus of Philosophy at Princeton University goes far in supporting the conclusion that I drew from the book: 95% of what goes on in a modern university is bullshit. In my opinion, the primary skill that most people develop in college is the ability to bullshit. The fact that I paid $9.95 to read about bullshit that is written by a master bullshitter who specializes in a bullshit major is also, well, bullshit.

This is a Honeywell UDC 3000 Versa-Pro controller, the cadillac of standalone temperature controllers and lists for about $1000. I found it buried under a some folders in the bottom of one of my drawers. This is troubling because I have no earthly idea why I have it. It came from a former employer, but I couldn't tell you how it ended up in my junk drawer for several years. I powered it up and it's fully functional, which means that it will be replacing my thermostat if BG&E gets their 72% rate gouge approved.

No junk drawer is complete without an authentic looking rubber turd. I am telling the truth when I say that this was a Valentine's Day gift, several years ago. I am also telling the truth when I say that all of the women I date are insane. Other presents from this woman included a t-shirt embroidered with a large A for Asshole and an engraved plaque that proclaimed mastery of a certain unnamed skill, which was prominently displayed in her apartment. In retrospect, it is clear that I should have married this girl.

I hope this has cleared up any nagging questions that you might have had with respect to the inner workings of my drawers. Stay tuned, next time I may provide an in-depth description of the nifty things that you might find in my underwear.


At 9:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found your blog yesterday and have been reading through your posts. Too funny!

At 10:18 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I think I'm going to need to borrow that book from you when writing my thesis.

At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe my junk drawer thermocouples can get together with your junk drawer temperature controller.

actually, if i were you, i would have already ebayed the controller for the moola.

At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

95% of what goes on in a modern university is bullshit.

Do you have a college degree?

At 4:13 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

I think I'm going to need to borrow that book from you when writing my wedding vows.

At 4:36 PM, Blogger tfg said...

Looking like an AA meeting in here today.


ACW-At least your bullshit will be funny bullshit.

anon2-You can't see it in the pic but I have a TC on it. I don't want to E-Bay it in case its rightful owner ever asks for it.

anon3-Two, actually. I know precisely what I'm taliking about.

arctic-No worries. I'll write your vows for you.

At 7:25 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Wow. A chick who gives rubber turds for Valentine's Day and proudly trumpets your sexual skills? And you let her go? Call me crazy man, but what were ya thinking?!?

At 8:39 PM, Blogger tfg said...

Actually, it wasn't a sexual skill that she was trumpeting, it was my crocheting prowess. Of course, I only crochet in the nude, so make of this what you will.

At 11:51 PM, Anonymous Jennifer said...

As someone about to receive a Ph.D., I can testify to TFG's accurate assessment of the bullshit level of the modern university.

Keep up the hilarious blog. I read through all your old posts tonight, and because of Max's adventures, the next big thing, and your theory of anti-dongality, to name but a few, I'm hooked!

At 9:32 AM, Blogger Charles said...

Hey if you throw them away, at least you get to see Tyra! LMAO

72%, I couldn't imagine what everyones bills would look like afterwards.

Somewhere someone is mooching off of everyone in your state. It sounds like they found a legal way to steal everyones money.

Terrorist won't even have to destroy are country, greed will.


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