Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Early Warning

Once, while looking for a dog at the Humane Society, I found one that looked like a winner. I took him out of his kennel and was walking him around when he stopped at another kennel and wizzed directly on another dog. Instead of being shocked or angry, I was thankful. In that instant, the dog had told me everything I needed to know, I didn't need to waste anymore time on him. This doesn't happen often, particularly in the world of job hunting. Thus, I was pleasantly surprised to receive this e-mail.


Thank you for your interest in the Project Manager/Electrical Engineer position with Assclown Systems.

We are interested in going forward with your application for this position. The next step in the process of selection is for you to complete an application and some preliminary testing.

We have scheduled this process for Saturday, May 20, 2006 at 9:00 AM at Assclown Corporate Group. The office address is XXXXXX. The testing and application process will last approximately 90 minutes. Dress is casual -- this is not an interview.

Also, please bring a copy of your diploma and official college transcripts. Please confirm by return mail (preferred) or e-mail if you will be there. Again, please do not hesitate to reply with any questions.

Assclown McAssclownson
Human Resources Manager
Assclown Industries

Where do I start? The first problem is the Saturday non-interview. This would be a 3 hour drive, each way, for me and they don't mention mileage reimbursement. So, they would have me spend an entire Saturday and a tank of gas to take their tests, but they can't be bothered to interview me since I'm already there. Another problem is the timing, I received the e-mail three days before the aforementioned Saturday. To get an expedited official transcript from my alma mater costs money, but, according to the letter, that isn't sufficient, as I must also provide a diploma. Since diplomas also cost money and are easily faked, I never bought them. My thinking was that nobody ever asks to see a diploma, they ask for transcripts. Except for assclowns, that is.

I sent a reply the day after receiving this and told them that I had decided I wasn't interested in the job. The candidate they were looking was very specialized, they needed experience using several oddball automation platforms in an oddball application. I fulfilled almost all of their qualifications and I knew that they didn't get too many applicants as qualified. Consequently, I received a phone call last Wednesday from the HR manager about my change of heart. They "graciously" offered to reimburse me for the mileage, but I cut her off and explained that her letter had told me everything I need to know about their company. If they are eager to screw a complete stranger, just imagine what they do to you once you sign on with them.


At 8:48 AM, Anonymous Lori said...

My favorite is the sneak attack assclown behavior. Canidate gets awesome job interview, canidate does very well. Assclown recruiting firm tells canidate to give them a start date. Canidate does. Assclown recruiter says, "We'll have something concrete on Friday!" Friday Arrives and Canidate calls. nothing. Follows up with E mail. Nothing. Calls again and still nothing. Canidate wants to know *something* so they can either resume search or give notice. Still nothing.
Assclown recruiter never called to say anything.
This is a true story.


At 9:16 AM, Blogger Cham said...

I once drove to DC for an interview. When I got to the interview site I realized it was a cheeseball hotel (some sort of university alumni place), which made me nervous. Then I was kept waiting for 30 minutes. After waiting in the tiny reception area with no request for my presence I got up and left. Then I went home and called the interviewer's manager, told him what happened and said that I don't wait indefinitely nor do I like being interviewed in a hotel.

I should have asked for reimbursement of my time and trouble.

At 9:28 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

What was so special about being there in person in this day and age of web pages and hi tech? Surely if they want qualified candidates from outside the immediate area, they have to have the ability to measure people's qualifications from a distance before bringing them in for an interview. Their lack of on-line access for something this basic should also have told you all you need to know. I agree with you.

At 9:54 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Ugh. Testing is the worst. I once spent close to TWO HOURS doing retarded personality tests (so desperate for employment as I was) at a place for an office manager/patient liason position. We found out that they were a business that modeled themselves after "the business practices, not religious beliefs of" L. Ron Hubbard. And the personality tests were TESTS FROM L. RON HUBBARD!!! Um...scary? Yes.

I feel like that gives me, like, three degrees separation from Tom Cruise and I don't like it one bit.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I once interviewed for a position at Harvard, and they couldn't have been easier to work with regarding scheduling or air-fare. Unfortunately, they were pure dicks when they found out I couldn't read.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Kira said...

good for you.
one problem is that i used to remain hopelessly optimistic and ignored all those early "red psycho-boss flags", wishing for the bed.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dyckerson feels your pain. I interviewed with this really hot chick once. I was totally unqualified, so I offered to sleep with her if she'd give me the job. Next thing I know, the bitch is crying sexual harassment and calling security.


At 1:43 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

I like your style - nicely done, and right on the money, no doubt.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Man. I know how you feel. The interview process hs gotten so damned complicated thesedays. I have a similar story, but rather than bloviate about it in a comment on someone else's blog, I'll cut to the chase:

... So I said, "You call THAT a mayonnaise spatula? And where's the non-skid in front of the frier? Fuck you, Dave! I didn't want to flip your stupid fucking square hamburgers anyway!"

And to top it all off, the guy up and died on me before I knew if I'd gotten the job. What an assclown.

At 3:22 PM, Anonymous JennyGags said...

Their loss...little do they know about the sub-atomic powers of your crotch.

At 8:04 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Great post! I liked the tie in.

I guess when you put it like that, choosing a job is just like picking a dog.

At 1:09 PM, Blogger tfg said...

lori-I have had the same experience with a recruiter, which is one of the many reasons that I don't deal w/ them.

cham-Hotel interviews are sleazy, indeed.

broadsheet-You can't really test for what I do. I think the real test was to see if they could screw me.

idle-Good thing you didn't take that job. You mioght have been the idlescientologist.

ACW-You should have sued for discrimination.

kira-I try to keep my eyes open going in.

dyck-Yeah, but did you get the job?


hink-I nearly wet myself when I read your comment.

jennygags-Actually, I have that under "Skills" on my resume.

charles-Yes and no. At least a dog can be trained

At 7:32 PM, Blogger karla said...

Good for you. You don't need that dumb ol' job anyway, what with all the money you make from peddling that sweet ass of yours in the wee hours of the morning.

At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

You may have jumped the gun with Leaky the Dog. If I were in jail with a buddy and got let out before him, I would definitely walk by his cell and pee on him before leaving. That's just some good-natured man fun.

At 9:56 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

you could have peed back on the dog and called it even.

At 8:31 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

You wet yourself? Good to know. I'll pass that joke on to my German friend Hilda, whose job it is to make people wet themselves. Or at least that's what they pay her for.


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