Necessity is the Mother of Something or Other

Every now and again, I will be struck be a idea which is pure genius. In this case, my masterstroke involved the invention of a new form of illumination that can easily be adapted for household use. Basically, the device consists of a thin tungsten wire (or filament, as I like to call it) that is used to conduct electricity in a transparent medium that has been filled with an inert gas. As the current passes through this wire, it will glow and, consequently, emit light. I realize that this may be difficult to visualize so I have included a sketch for reference:


Obviously, I want to legally protect this idea to ensure that nobody else copies it. In order to form the basis of my legal claim, I have to demonstrate that this is, indeed, a novel concept. Thus, I went to the website of the US Patent and Trademark Office, which features an online search engine that allows users to research existing patents as far back as 1976. I was ecstatic to find that when I searched using keywords like lighttube, brightness maker, and magic darkness reverser, nobody had filed a claim. It is clear to me that I am destined to be mentioned in the same breath as other great inventors like Eli Whitney-cotton gin, Henry Ford-the modern assembly line, and Thomas Edison-the water bong.

An interesting aside arose from all of this research. In the interest of diligence, I tried every combination of synonym that I could think of that might be used to describe my invention. As a result, when I entered the phrase anal missile launcher, I discovered U.S. Patent 6,055,910, which is entitled: Toy gas fired missile launcher assembly. The abstract for this invention is as follows:

Abstract
A toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly whose missile is composed of a soft head and a tail extending therefrom formed by a piston. The piston is telescoped into the barrel of a launcher having a closed end on which is mounted an electrically-activated ignitor, the air space between the end of the piston and the closed end of the barrel defining a combustion chamber. Joined to the barrel and communicating with the chamber therein is a gas intake tube having a normally-closed inlet valve. To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space.

And here are the inventor's schematics:

Sure I've seen strippers use unique means to give flight to ping-pong balls and the like, but not once did I see any of these objects leave the earth's atmosphere. I'm certain, by now, that you are already trying to figure out how to get one of these devices for yourself. Well, I can't help you with that, but believe me when I say that flatulence and candles don't mix. So be sure to buy one of my light-thingies before attempting to launch any rectal projectiles with the aforementioned backdoor bazooka.