Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Gayness Doesn't Pay

Yesterday, on the Mighty Blog, I read one of the gayest blog posts that has ever been written. And I don't mean the good kind of gay that brings us Fashion Week, track lighting, and hip clothing. I mean the other kind of gay. I'm talking about the I-just-found-out-that-my-newlywed-wife-is-really-a-man-who-is-mighty-skilled-in-the-use
-of-kleenex-duct-tape-and-estrogen kind of gay. In the aforementioned post, Dyckerson tries to use sensitivity in an attempt to lure women into the sack with him. In response to the gayness of it all, I decided to go to the store.

I went to Klein's to get some Beano. The girl (I say girl because, although she looked 75, it was a youthful 75) who checked me out (as in, “the checkout lane”) commented, “I like your crotchless moo-moo.” (Of course, I guess she checked me out as she checked me out).

I’d forgotten which crotchless moo-moo I was wearing so I started to stammer “Oh, thanks,” but then I remembered Dyckerson's post. I thought to myself, "Maybe it's like penicillin--if it can work for Dyckerson maybe it can work for me." So I tried the sensitive approach and said, "Thanks. I'm sorry about the hole in my moo-moo, but I can't afford a new one because I gave all my money to the starving orphans of Poontangia." At that point, my brain contemplated two things: one, what crotchless moo-moo was I wearing? and two, assuming this cute checkout chick still had clean Depends on, would it be possible to parlay her enjoyment of my moo-moo into enjoyment of coming over and cleaning my oven?

As it turns out, I severly underestimated the potency of the Dyckerson approach, because out of nowhere she exclaimed, "That's gayest thing I've ever heard. Take me now, Moo-moo Stud." I was still playing the sensitivity angle, so I replied, "Oh, no. I'm saving myself for marriage." My protestations were in vain, because in one deft motion, she hurdled the counter, put in her dentures, and chewed off the straps of my moo-moo. Next, she slammed me down onto the checkout conveyor, grabbed a bar-b-que fork out of the the next patron's basket, and screamed, "Giddyup." I made good on my chance of escape when she went for the bar-b-que tongs. As I ran out the door, I heard the manager yelling, "Stop, thief. You have to pay for that merchandise."

After getting out of the store, I looked down to see what I was wearing — a new bar-b-que fork stuck in my left buttcheek — and my ass concluded not to listen to Dyckerson anymore.

12 Comments:

At 7:46 AM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Do not despair, TFG my friend. True love will find you when you least expect it. But if you need a shoulder to lean on, or a sympathetic ear, I am here for you.

Courage.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Crotchless moo-moos to the grocery store? That is soooooo tacky. Everyone knows they are only to be worn when answering the door for Jehovah's Witnesses.

 
At 12:06 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I feel like I've read this post before... but it was Target, and Draino. Hmmm....

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

I'm gonna throw up!

I want the asshole, pricks back!!!

 
At 5:12 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

Dyck is not a good influennce.

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger tfg said...

dyck-Damn, even your comments have gone gay.

puerileuwaite-Well, that's the ironic part. I am a Jehova's Witness.

ACW-Say it's not true.

revree-I doubt you'll have to wait long.

LL-And how.

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

Wow, how adventurous of you to think you have the legs to pull off the crotchless moo-moo . . . . ;)

 
At 10:36 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

You know where Klein's is? I don't believe you.

 
At 11:29 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Yeah, I don't believe you either.

This kind of shit can only hapen at a Lucky's Superette.

 
At 1:18 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Get back to Klein's and NAIL THAT ASS!!!!!!

DAMN FUCK SHIT PISS COCKSUCKER!!!

I'm back baby!!!!!!!!

 
At 1:37 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Okay, what really happened between the time you were fantasizing and being checked-out at the checkouk?

LOL

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Banging old chicks is the key to stayi ng young...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home