Thursday, September 07, 2006

Does Playing with Dollhouses Make Me Gay?

Earlier this evening, I was talking on my cell phone when I heard the telltale sounds of a car wreck outside my apartment. Not wanting to miss the chance to gawk at freshly mangled humans, I headed out to the yard to have myself a long look. As soon as I heard my apartment door lock behind me, I realized that I didn't have my keys on me. To compound the situation, I just commenced my semi-annual war with the management of my apartment complex. In this struggle, I used tactics so heinous that I was guaranteed to be waiting a long, long time for lock out service from the maintenance flunky. At this point, it occurred to me that, perhaps, I shouldn't have called the flunky's boss's boss's boss's boss, on his direct line, and suggest that said flunky be fired countless times.

The situation became even bleaker when I realized that I didn't have my wallet or even my pocket knife. This was a particularly unpleasant surprise, since the credit cards in my wallet would have allowed me to jimmy the lock. Having the knife would have, at least, allowed me to stab one of my neighbors and steal some of their credit cards. Of course, my car was locked, eliminating another potential source of lock defeating implements. I was beginning to think that I was entirely screwed rude.

Nevertheless, as many Patterson Park regulars can verify, I am not a proud man. Thus, I headed over to the dumpster and found my salvation:

What you are looking at is the Sweet StreetsTM™ Village Care Time HospitalTM™ and I give it my wholehearted endorsement. Per Fisher Price:

Time for a celebration-—twins have just arrived! There'’s plenty of nurturing play all through this busy hospital. You can rock the babies to sleep in their double cradle in the nursery, say hello in the reception area or waiting room, cheer up a patient with something from the gift shop, or get a check-up in the examination room, complete with changing X-ray images!

While I did, indeed, find the X-ray area and gift shop nurturing, my favorite part was the fold-out waiting room:

Not only did the waiting room have an intriguing depiction of a woman and child engaged in a mutual grope session, but it also contained plastic thin enough to jimmy my door lock. So, once the novelty of the grope-a-thon had worn off, I commenced the process of beating the living shit out of the toy in the parking lot. This procedure was doubly successful in that not only was I able to cleave a piece of the thin plastic from the assembly, but now many of my neighbors think that I'm deeply disturbed with a marked hatred of dollhouses. A win-win situation, if I've ever seen one.

So, with my makeshift "key" and ample use of the phrase, "Open you filthy bastard," I was able to gain entry to my apartment. The entire process took about 25 minutes, so I was a little disappointed in missing the blood and gore of the car wreck. That's when I noticed that I hadn't missed out after all:

Regardless of the incurred injuries, I was grateful that I found the Sweet Streets Hospital. Otherwise, I'd probably have had to pay Snay to build me a Lego catapult to propel my silly ass up to my third floor balcony.


At 10:03 PM, Blogger verity said...

Ok so that was some funny shit. :)

At 11:01 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Wow - so your pad is like, really secure. When are you leaving? We'll be over with our makeshift grocery store keyring membership tags to let ourselves in and Pah-tay!

At 11:30 PM, Blogger Charles said...

This is what you get when you want to watch other peoples misery. Trust me, I know this, I lived this.

At least you got to play with a toy. LMAO

At 11:40 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Hey, it'da been worth it to get to meet you. I woulda just let you use my grapling hook, though.

At 11:46 PM, Blogger Kira said...

we all knew you had a feminine side.

At 7:35 AM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

It's like McGuyver without meds!

At 8:46 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

this post mostly shows how resourceful you are. and gay.

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous eebmore said...

"... as many Patterson Park regulars can verify, I am not a proud man." heh, just stay off my corner.

At 2:40 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

That, and you probably contracted hepatitis from those dirty sluts in the hospital.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger tfg said...


broadsheet-It wouldn't be much of a party in my apartment. A thief would have to rob me twice for me to collect the full amount of my renter's policy.

charles-I hadn't thought of that angle, but you're absolutely right: Karma kicked my ass.

snay-You have a grappling hook? A kinkster, indeed.

kira-That's true. I'm sure I looked so sensitive as I was smashing the dollhouse into the asphalt.

mr.friendly-More like Macgyver w/ a lobotomy.

j$-I don't necessarily agree that playing w/ a dollhouse makes me gay. I think it has more to do with all of the sodomy.

eebmore-No dice. In fact, I expect that my "Buy Now, Pay Later" marketing plan will allow me to snuff out all competition.

ACW-Somebody had to.

At 9:17 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I used to routinely break into my boss's office using a credit card. Turned out the bastard was writing mean shit about me in my employee file. Fortunately, the prick eventually got fired. The night after he left, I broke into the office and removed all the mean shit from my file. I wanted a nice clean slate for the new boss.

True story.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

And all this time I thought you were a woman!

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

you wanna see gay?

come check out my site...

At 12:10 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

"911. What is your emergency?"

"Uh, there's a creepy lookin' dude in our dumpster playing with a dollhouse."

"Does he look homeless?"

"Well he does have a dollhouse in his possession. So technically, no."

"He may just be reminiscing about his childhood.But we'll send a Barbie Squad Car around, just in case."

At 2:16 PM, Blogger tfg said...

dyck-Now that's dedication. I've never cared about keeping a job enough to go that far.

lamb-Me, too. Thanks for setting me straight.

comic-Even though I'm not actually gay, I'll have a look anyway.

puerileuwaite-I wouldn't be too suprised to see that the Balto. County PD actually had a Barbie Squad.

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

No sir, I did not see you playing with your dolls again sir!


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