Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Better Than Arbor Day

As noted on many of your blogs, yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. I must admit that this internet holiday caught me be surprise, but I think that this is a great institution. Not talking like a pirate, of course, because that's dildolic, but the practice of making up improptu holidays throughout the year. Thus, I have been inspired to declare my own internet holidays. Please mark your calendars accordingly.

Drive Like You're Asian Day
On July 13th, participants will not allow their vehicles to exceed 14 mph and will have their left turn signal blinking perpetually. Moreover, drivers should refrain from using any mirrors before changing lanes and should attempt to travel exclusively in the left lane. If an accident seems unavoidable, cover both eyes with your hands and scream unintelligible gibberish until skidding to your victim.

Do the Wild Thing with an Engineer Day
On September 22nd, participants will spend a romantic evening with either a civil, mechanical, or electrical engineer (I strongly recommend the electrical variety). During the date, the participants will feign interest in mind numbing topics such as failure mode and effects analysis, static load calculations, and boolean algebra. At the conclusion of the date, the participants will partake in copious sweaty monkey-love and then the engineer will calculate things like calories exerted, mattress spring force constants, and whether the crossmembers in the ceiling are capable supporting a trapeze.

Talk Like Art Donovan Day
On December 3rd, participants will start drinking Everclear at dawn while beating on their craniums with a meat mallet. Once complete inebriation has ensued, participants will ask the dumbest questions known to man, preferably on television, while only using a vocabulary of seven words. To truly appreciate the spirit of the day, you should work slurring, drooling, and the occasional bladder control issue into the regimen.

Pump Gas Like a Porn Star Day
On September 27th, participants will proceed to their nearest filling station. They will then begin to fuel their vehicles in the normal manner. Once the tank is full, they keep the pump handle depressed while vigorously squirting gasoline all over the side of the car and yelling, "Who's your daddy, bee-otch?"

I think that I've got some winners here, but this is just a start. For example, I'm still working out the legal ramifications of Wack a Fat and Oddly Dressed Burglar Day on December 24th. Nevertheless, I'm open to suggestions, so feel free to add any legitimate internet holidays that you fell are relevant.


At 7:10 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

international blog like a cranky pirate hater day? :D

At 10:04 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Please add one more for me:

"Pleasure Yourself like An Asian Day"

I don't even care what day you pick. Just as long as it's all of them. Thank you.

At 10:32 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Crop-dust your cubicle neighbor Day

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

How about Annual Kill Rosie O'Donnell Day? Of course, I'm not sure what you'd do after the first year...

At 9:56 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

I like what you've done here.

Especially the engineer sex.

At 10:13 PM, Blogger tfg said...

j$-There's a thought. For the record, I hadn't read your post before I wrote mine.

puerilewaite-Maybe this explains why they are such poor drivers.

ACW-This is everyday.

dyck-Amen. Dig her up and kill her one more time just to be certain.

hink-Oddly, enough that's my favorite too.

At 12:58 PM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

no worries, tfg, in my eyes you can do no wrong. oh wait, i think it's you can do no right :D

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Charles said...

"Anyone Named Charles is King for the Day", Day.

I really would love Pump gas like a pornstar day.

It would go well with, Light a fame like a Pyro day.

At 2:24 PM, Blogger Susiebadoozie said...

flashdancer day
talk like a dirty sailor day or
dirty truck driver mouth day
clip on tie day
pancakes the size of a snow shovel day
hairy mole removal day
featured prostitot at the local highschool day
i like what you've done with your ass day
i want to do syncronized swimming with jim bean day
laugh like a hysterical jabberwocker day
blog like a dirty tramp day
I hope no one ever reads this blog post day

whatever comes off the top of your head day

(thats pretty much every day for me, including this comment)

i could pretty much go on forever

At 3:49 PM, Blogger yellowdog granny said...

ohh i love the drink like art donovan day...i love art...he comes from the 'i dont give a shit school of hard knocks'...gotta love it...
sent by suzieby dooziedozzle q?...u funny

At 10:50 PM, Blogger karla said...

Okay, that last one was a Greg Fitzsimmons ripoff. He used that when he hosted the 2006 AVN awards recently. Good try, Assclown.

...Or wait. Maybe Greg Fitzsimmons stole it from you? You can't trust comedians who host porn star award ceremonies.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger tfg said...

j$-You can't go wrong either way.

charles-I kind of liked Charles is King Day better than any of mine.

susiebadoozie-Every day is hairy mole removal day for you? Hot. I really need your number.

granny-My favorite story is, as a kid, discovering him passed out in his car behind an establishment that he used to own. Classy stuff.

karla-You caught me or at least you would have if I knew who Greg Fitzsimmons was. That joke has been around since I was in high school, so I'm guessing Fitzsimmons didn't make it up either. Regardless, how many awards did you win this year?

At 10:01 AM, Blogger CommonWombat said...

Here in Canton EVERY day is "Talk Like Artie Donovan" Day.

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Okay, I found you through technorati and I LOVE it already. Anyone who uses the word "dildolic" (sounds good to me!) is my new hero. I'm just sorry I missed September 22.

People like you are why I moved to Baltimore.


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