Saturday, September 09, 2006

Tried & True

As I was perusing Blogtimore, I found this post by Malnutured Snay:

When I went to Klein'’s for draino, the girl who checked me out (as in, "“the checkout lane"”) commented, "“I like your shirt."” (Of course, I guess she checked me out as she checked me out).

I'’d forgotten what shirt I was wearing so I just sort of stammered a "“Oh, thanks!"” while my brain contemplated two things: one, what shirt was I fucking wearing? and two, assuming this cute checkout chick was of legal age, would it be possible to parlay her enjoyment of my t-shirt into enjoyment of my penis?

After getting out of the store, I looked down to see what I was wearing — my dark green Monty Python and the Holy Grail — and my brain concluded that liking my shirt alone would probably not get me into her pants.

This reminded me of an icebreaking technique from my utterly wasted youth that was guaranteed to make an impression on members of the opposite sex. Although this potent technique was only tried at parties, I believe it could be easily adapted to the retail environment. It's known as The Pocket Rocket and is conducted as follows:

1. Before a party, remove the front pocket linings from a pair of shorts.
2. Remove boxers and don the newly tailored shorts.
3. Go to party.
4. Locate a female that you are interested in meeting.
5. Put an unlit cigarette in your mouth.
6. Pick up a beer in each hand.
7. Approach female and state, "Excuse me, I'm a little shorthanded. I have a lighter in my front pocket. Could you please get it and light my cigarette?"
8. As you might expect, the young lady will be so overwhelmed by your clever wit, that she will be powerless to resist any of your subsequent suggestions.

Unfortunately, this technique is not so effective with older women. Thus, I'm forced to meet women the old-fashioned way, by inflating them.


At 7:01 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

That proves you're not a woman. I guess I have to get used to the fact I was wrong about you. You are a man.

At 7:07 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

I have a suggestion. Why not go to the grocery store and meet women?

At 7:59 PM, Blogger CommonWombat said...

I don't smoke, so I play a variation of this theme: I just wear no pants at all and run up to girls yelling TOUCH MY PENIS!

It gets me laid all the time, if by "laid," you mean "smacked."

At 8:50 PM, Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Oooops--I just capped my pants.

At 8:53 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Dude, you blew it. Here's the line:

"Baby, I was going to purchase this Drano, but why don't you come back to my place and unclog my pipe yourself??"

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Mom of Three said...

Uh, GAWD! Did you party in the OC during the 80s?

At 10:46 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

What if she loudly proclaims "You said THAT was your LAST cigarette, you stingey bastard!"?

Not that this has ever happened to me.

At 7:06 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

I'm poorly nutered, now? Fuck me. Good thing I didn't try to get her into bed, then!!!

At 10:25 AM, Blogger tfg said...

lamb-The women in the grocery store are usually sober.

wombat-I'll have to try that at church this morning.

comic-Thanks for the update.

dyck-I blew it? Must I remind you of the Tossed Salad Girl?

mother of 3-There weren't many places I didn't party in the late 80's.

puerileuwaite-That would be a compliment, actually.

snay-There are a million fish in the sea...

At 8:41 PM, Blogger Cham said...

Target girl and pizza boy, it has to be a match made in heaven. They can compare smocks.

At 7:40 AM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

Drano? Don't you know you should ALWAYS go for the Foaming Pipe Snake? You can somehow work that into your schtick. Or your pants. HA.

At 8:04 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

SO that's what you were doing at the party?????!!!!!

At 8:43 AM, Anonymous JennyGags said...

Enjoying TFG's blog after his summer drought reminds me of that tried & true phrase: If you love something, set it free...yada-yada-yada.

Thank god you came back on your own and we didn't have to hunt you down & shoot you, according to the rest of that tried & true phrase.

At 6:28 PM, Anonymous Doctor Zombie said...

TFG - your depths of depravity are so refreshing.

I come here when I'm feeling not so fresh...

At 1:31 AM, Blogger Kira said...

any question why you are still single ;)

At 1:39 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Wow! why not just leave your fly down, and ask her to zip it up for you. LMAO

At 9:05 PM, Blogger karla said...

I don't for one minute believe you were ever invited to a party.


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