Tried & True

As I was perusing Blogtimore, I found this post by Malnutured Snay:

When I went to Klein'’s for draino, the girl who checked me out (as in, "“the checkout lane"”) commented, "“I like your shirt."” (Of course, I guess she checked me out as she checked me out).

I'’d forgotten what shirt I was wearing so I just sort of stammered a "“Oh, thanks!"” while my brain contemplated two things: one, what shirt was I fucking wearing? and two, assuming this cute checkout chick was of legal age, would it be possible to parlay her enjoyment of my t-shirt into enjoyment of my penis?

After getting out of the store, I looked down to see what I was wearing — my dark green Monty Python and the Holy Grail — and my brain concluded that liking my shirt alone would probably not get me into her pants.

This reminded me of an icebreaking technique from my utterly wasted youth that was guaranteed to make an impression on members of the opposite sex. Although this potent technique was only tried at parties, I believe it could be easily adapted to the retail environment. It's known as The Pocket Rocket and is conducted as follows:

1. Before a party, remove the front pocket linings from a pair of shorts.
2. Remove boxers and don the newly tailored shorts.
3. Go to party.
4. Locate a female that you are interested in meeting.
5. Put an unlit cigarette in your mouth.
6. Pick up a beer in each hand.
7. Approach female and state, "Excuse me, I'm a little shorthanded. I have a lighter in my front pocket. Could you please get it and light my cigarette?"
8. As you might expect, the young lady will be so overwhelmed by your clever wit, that she will be powerless to resist any of your subsequent suggestions.

Unfortunately, this technique is not so effective with older women. Thus, I'm forced to meet women the old-fashioned way, by inflating them.