Monday, February 26, 2007

A Matter of Convenience

I can tell you the exact moment when I "switched teams." It was last Friday night. I was driving home around 10:45 PM when I realized that I hadn't eaten dinner yet. I called in a carryout order to the Bamboo House in Cockeysville, which is a restaurant and bar. I had ordered from there before, but never on a Friday night.

My first clue that something was amiss was that there was little parking available. When I entered the lobby, I could see into the bar and it was packed. I chuckled to myself when I realized that it was a single's bar for the local 30's to 50's crowd. Since it was a Chinese restaurant,
I was kind of surprised, but so long as they had my order ready, I didn't care if they were sacrificing goats to Gozer in there.

There was a guy in front of me, who apparently consumed a drum of Old Spice intravenously before leaving the house. He was complaining to the hostess about something, but oxygen deprivation kept me from hearing. He stalked off towards the bar and walked directly into a lady drinking a martini in the lobby. She managed to keep the drink off of him and apologized, even though it was his fault. He glared at her, refused to acknowledge her apology, and waited by the entrance to the bar. This lead to the following conversation.

Woman: Did you see that? Why is he mad? He ran into me.
Me: Yes, I saw it. I think it's because he's an asshole. (This was amusing because the guy could still hear us.)
Woman: Laughing. Maybe you should be my bodyguard tonight.
Me: Welcome to Cockeysville. It's the asshole capital of Baltimore County.
Woman: More laughter.

At this point, I paid the semi-offended hostess for my food. As I turned to leave, the woman moved closer, grabbed my free arm, and said, "Hi, I'm XXXX. Let me buy you a drink." Considering that I was tired, hungry, and mere minutes away from curing both problems, the only thought that ran through my head was, "Get the fuck off of me, twit." (I despise strangers touching me.) Fortunately, the minuscule part of my brain that dispenses politeness engaged and, somehow, caused me to blurt out, "Thanks, but I'm gay." She muttered something unintelligible and I made good on my escape.

In retrospect, this incident was disturbing because I am not now and have never been gay. If memory serves, any lying that is done in these kind of places is done for the express purpose of getting women and their panties to go their separate ways. Of course, it's possible that I am one of those guys who is gay and just doesn't know it yet. This is highly doubtful, though, since I am aesthetically retarded, and I dance like a very white, very heterosexual man. Thus, I can only conclude that I am conveniently gay, which, I believe, would make me a pseudosexual (as opposed to a bi-,trans-, or homosexual). I'm thinking that this might be the most appropriate alternative lifestyle for me, as I can reap the benefits of snappy fashion and tasteful interior decoration, while passing on the less appealing aspects such as Barbara Streisand and sodomy. Regardless, I spent the rest of the evening eating Mongolian Beef while rocking Papillon on AMC, which, now that I think about it, sounds kind of gay, too.


At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Psychophil said...

Bamboo House is my favorite Sushi place around/near Hunt Valley where I work. I'm only there at lunch during the week and it usually pretty deserted. Which works well for me being I hate people and all.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

Too funny, well done! are you sure your not gay?

At 9:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Consider that you could have said you're married. May be you have switched... or just slow witted.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Ladies' men always think on their feet. Of course, maybe men's men do too, I'm not quite sure about that one.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Aza said...

"I don't think my husband or his penis would appreciate your advances" or the classic "I like vagina....ALOT" are my standard lines.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Hanmee said...

It's nice to know that you are so disturbed by a strange woman's touch that you'd take it up the rear rather than deal with that.

My husband would have just said he's married.

At 1:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, so let me get this straight. (Or gay, or whatever).

You met a woman who laughed at your jokes, flirted with you, and actually made an advance and offered you a drink. And you not only turned it down, you said you were guy.

WTF??? Was she fat or ugly or something?? I don't get it.

At 2:26 PM, Blogger tfg said...

phil-Bamboo House is a little pricey but their food rocks.


anon1-The lack of a wedding ring scotched that plan, but, yes, I'm slow witted.

kalleigh-What about men's ladies who are really men? How do they think?

aza-Perhaps I should have said, "Well, I'd like to, but I'm all about the sausage."

hanmee-I've always had a strong aversion to strangers touching me. I don't know why, but I find it very offensive.

anon2-Apparently, I'm the only one who finds desperation unbecoming. Singles bars/personal ads are creepy.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Little Lamb said...

Your hunger and tiredness overrided that fact that you would like to have a woman.

You blew your chance, fella!

At 5:06 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Now that you've admitted your true identity, we would have had a lovely day at the spa today.

At 5:08 PM, Blogger Aza said...

Well, as much as I hate using euphemisms for genitalia “I’m into sausage” is incredibly funny.

I feel the same way about people touching me but in my case it’s almost to the point of being a phobia. I keep a purse size container of hand sanitizer on me whenever I’m in public. I don’t think the general populous knows just how disgusting people are- working in a pharmacy gives me the inside.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

No, you're not gay. You're just a FUCKING IDIOT. It's a shame too. If you were gay, you could at least PRETEND to be straight. But an idiot can't pretend to be smart.

At 7:39 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Between your post and the ensuing comments, I could comment for gays, er, days.

So here goes with my useless observations (and temporary highjacking of your comments):

1) They need to rename the joint to "Jurassic Park". Sadly, I would fit right in. Especially if they have Karaoke nights.

2) Old Spice is my favorite of all the Spice Girls.

3) Being that it WAS a Chinese restaurant, you should have replied, "So, I take it you want spring roll with that martini".

4) I need to think like a pick-pocket and hire a "bumper" in order to get more action.

5) When in "COCKeysville" ... (well, you can guess where I was going with this one) ...

6) The proverbial "icicle on the cake" would've been if she turned out to be a tranny.

7) I find myself wondering if "Mongolian Beef" is actually a euphemism in this case.

8) Eventually in most sexual situations (at least the ones that I've read about) a woman will most likely have to touch you. So you need to work on those boundary issues, my (platonic only, please) friend.

9) Given the chance, I WOULD sodomize Barbara Streisand, especially if she were dressed as her Yentl character. I've heard that "People" who sodomize people, are the happiest people in the world.

10) Psychophil, you're wasting your time. TFG has already established that he's not into sushi (an Eel Roll, perhaps ...).

11) Hanmee, is THAT what he told you?

12) I am totally in love with Broadsheet's new icon! If I were gay before, you can now call me (Non-)Wilt(ing) Chamberlain!

13) Mighty D just made ME laugh like an idiot!

That is all.

At 7:58 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Yeah, I was thinking the same about Cockeysville. Nevermind.

But really, if that was your knee-jerk reaction, I'd be investing in a little therapy.

At 9:26 PM, Blogger verity said...

Everyone could use some BFC, man.

At 6:18 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Well for one, I was tipped off when you proclaimed your wish for having Peyton Manning's baby last month, which is why I have not personally volunteered to offer my womanly charms to further the self-discovery of your true sexuality. That and I get jealous of female robots very easily.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

tfg: I found it doubly amusing because hubby also is also disgusted/antsy by strangers touching him so I can understand your aversion.

(We were friends for 2 years before he had the nerve to ask me out so I got to witness this amusement first hand. I guess the fact that I didn't seem to bother him should have been a tipoff.)

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

Pseduosexual! I love it. Way to coin a new phrase.

At 10:10 AM, Blogger tfg said...

lamb-If my hypothesis is incorrent, I'll be blowing more than that.

broadsheet-Yes, we would have made a pair of pretty, pretty, princesses.

aza-Having just recovered from a staph infection, I agree 100%.

dyck-Actually, I work in a company chocked full of idiots pretending to be smart.

pug-I am still thanking God that they didn't have karaoke.

cruisermel-Yes, that was a knee-jerk reaction, but it's perfect. She didn't get her feelings hurt and I got to leave. Win-win.

geisha-I don't think so. My butt is still having sympathy pains from your weekend adventure.

kalleigh-If you're willing to dress up like C3P0, we might be able to work something out.

hanmee-Yes, it's been that way since I was a little kid. Once I know someone, it's OK though.


At 7:25 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Trust me you are not gay. You drink wine fron a screw top foil pack. If you were gay you would have been ostracized and your penny loafers taken away.

At 7:28 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Damn! Me is always late to the party!

At 3:22 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

So what you're saying is that you spent the rest of the night with meat in your mouth, watching a prison movie? Euphemism indeed!

At 9:53 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

thanks for stopping by!!!

At 12:05 AM, Blogger Kira said...

my husband told me that he used to use something called "project asshole" if there was a girl who liked him and he didn't like her, he would just start acting like a jerk that she wouldn't want to even talk to, so she wouldn't want him anymore. it was a kind let down.
slightly less humiliating than your tactic, but either works.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

I can understand the revulsion with a stranger touching you- I particularly do not like it either-but have you thought about perhaps being on the down low, but don't know it as of yet?

It was just my first thought on my first read of your blog- very interesting post, btw.


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