Call Me Tinkerbell

I have a coworker who I'll refer to as Engineer 1. He is a mechanical engineer and is, perhaps, my one of my all-time favorite coworkers. Over the last two years, we've been tossed into several flagging projects, typically with the implied threat of termination for failure, and we're both still employed. He has the combination of intelligence and common sense, which is excruciatingly rare. Certainly, graduate schools are full of book smart geniuses who can't pour piss from a boot and the trades have many adept craftsman who don't actually understand why they do what they do, but I haven't found many individuals that can fit both bills. I trust his judgement implicitly in all matters mechanical and many other affairs, as well. Thus, I was concerned to see this in his cube last week:

If you look at the left of his monitor, you'll see that he's hiding something back there. This lead to the following conversation:

Me: What's that back there?
Engineer1: (sheepishly) Nothing.
Me: It looks like coffee creamer. Why is it back there?
Engineer1: OK, my wife bought it for me.

Despite his protests, I liberated the canister from it's hiding spot and was shocked to find this:


Now, as we all know, the only coffee additive that can be considered manly is rabid gorilla semen. Consequently, the conversation continued:

Me: Sweet Jesus, what in the hell is that?
Engineer1: I know, I know...
Me: Does your wife understand that if she makes you homosexual, then she loses, too?
Engineer1: Well, she's always wanted a gay best friend. Besides, it's good. Try some.
Me: No. Somebody might see.
Engineer1: Try it, jackass.

So, I did and discovered that the "fairy dust," as we refer to it, is rather good. In fact, a little too good. In the short span of 5 days, I have been rendered incapable of drinking coffee without a dose it. I'm acutely aware that I have likely initiated the downward spiral that will eventually lead to a sordid life of truckstop kielbasa gargling. Typically, these deteriorations take time, but I see no reason to draw this painful process out. Thus, if you are an OTR trucker on the I-95 corridor, who is feeling a little lonesome, just ask for "Sugar Lips" on CB channel 24. And don't forget to bring the Vanilla Chai Spice.