Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Call Me Tinkerbell

I have a coworker who I'll refer to as Engineer 1. He is a mechanical engineer and is, perhaps, my one of my all-time favorite coworkers. Over the last two years, we've been tossed into several flagging projects, typically with the implied threat of termination for failure, and we're both still employed. He has the combination of intelligence and common sense, which is excruciatingly rare. Certainly, graduate schools are full of book smart geniuses who can't pour piss from a boot and the trades have many adept craftsman who don't actually understand why they do what they do, but I haven't found many individuals that can fit both bills. I trust his judgement implicitly in all matters mechanical and many other affairs, as well. Thus, I was concerned to see this in his cube last week:

If you look at the left of his monitor, you'll see that he's hiding something back there. This lead to the following conversation:

Me: What's that back there?
Engineer1: (sheepishly) Nothing.
Me: It looks like coffee creamer. Why is it back there?
Engineer1: OK, my wife bought it for me.

Despite his protests, I liberated the canister from it's hiding spot and was shocked to find this:

Now, as we all know, the only coffee additive that can be considered manly is rabid gorilla semen. Consequently, the conversation continued:

Me: Sweet Jesus, what in the hell is that?
Engineer1: I know, I know...
Me: Does your wife understand that if she makes you homosexual, then she loses, too?
Engineer1: Well, she's always wanted a gay best friend. Besides, it's good. Try some.
Me: No. Somebody might see.
Engineer1: Try it, jackass.

So, I did and discovered that the "fairy dust," as we refer to it, is rather good.
In fact, a little too good. In the short span of 5 days, I have been rendered incapable of drinking coffee without a dose it. I'm acutely aware that I have likely initiated the downward spiral that will eventually lead to a sordid life of truckstop kielbasa gargling. Typically, these deteriorations take time, but I see no reason to draw this painful process out. Thus, if you are an OTR trucker on the I-95 corridor, who is feeling a little lonesome, just ask for "Sugar Lips" on CB channel 24. And don't forget to bring the Vanilla Chai Spice.


At 7:48 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

The white keyboard seems a bit "precious" as well. All he needs are some "Cathy" cartoons taped to the monitor to complete the fabulous makeover.

At 9:07 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

I agree - what's with the white keyboard?? In other news, don't sweat the sweet stuff. ACW has mad an entire blog out of eggnog and no one thinks less of him (well, that's not entirely true, but...) You could try making soap out of it and eating it - that's manly. Stupid, but manly.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

I'm not sure what this says about your coworker who would rather force you to try it and have you join his embarrassment rather than tell you to save yourself.

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've always wondered. What does a "mechanical" engineer DO? Mechanics? I guess he's not all that civil, like them thar civil engineers. :o)

Glad you and coworker are enjoying a bit of "man juice".

At 9:41 AM, Blogger Cham said...

Are you partial to the white carmel truffle flavor or the pumpkin spice?

At 10:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What happened to the ass fire post?

At 11:36 AM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

"kielbasa gargling" should be on every hooker's price list.

At 1:13 PM, Blogger eebmore said...

I actually have to say, I love chai... although I typically drink chai tea. Authentic chai tea/fake chai coffee additive: I'm really not sure which is gayer.

At 5:33 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Interesting. "Coffee whitener" will definitely be added to my ever-growing list of household uses for rapid gorilla semen.

At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...


I suck.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger tfg said...

puerilewaite-We're engineers, so it's function over form. In fact, I hadn't even noticed the white keyboard until you mentioned it.

broadsheet-Eating soap and candles is manly. Fairy dust? Not so much.

hanmee-Well, it is actually good, so I can't be mad at him.

LOTI-In this case, it's primarily machine design. Structural loadings, gear ratios, flow rates, and the like.

cham-No, but it's only a matter of time.

anon-Like I told you earlier, you're a wanker.

ACW-Actually, you have to go to the Polish section of town if you want to ask for it by name.

eebmore-That is a close call. If you chew and swallow the tea bag after it steeps, then you are clearly more manly.

crunchy bc-Yeah, I learned about it by reading Hints from Heloise.

At 6:40 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

FUCK!!! Another perfectly good straight man lost to fairy dust...

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

What's that hidden behind the other side of his monitor? A Barbra Streisand CD??

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

Hee hee! Oh the shame! Just kidding. And hey, it's very "in" to be a metrosexual right now. :)

At 10:20 AM, Blogger tfg said...

revree- I know and I haven't even started snorting it, yet.

dyck- No, it's my Richard Simmons "Sweating to the Oldies" DVD that I lent him.

katherine- I'm not so sure. When the transit authority caught me trying to have my way with that Metro locomotive, they seemed nonplussed.

At 8:29 PM, Blogger karla said...

It's not your love of Coffee Mate that makes it clear that you're gay. It's the constant dick sucking.

At 12:32 AM, Blogger the dude said...

No you can ease into it...try transexuals or hermapherdites first.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Kira said...

did you have a little quiche with creamed coffee on sunday?
sorry I missed it.


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