Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I'm Such An Ass

Our company has PA system that is tied to the speaker of every deskphone and a series of loudspeakers. It is typically used for paging employees or making company-wide announcements. This morning, I'm sitting at my desk, conveying the image of productivity, when I hear a conversation being carried over the PA system. Apparently, an employee had inadvertently let something rest on the PAGE button of his phone. I recognize one of the voices, which belongs to a rather outspoken production manager who is quite proud of the fact that he eschews underwear. To his detriment, it was noisy enough outside his office to prevent him from getting feedback from the loudspeakers.

Do I call him and tell him he's audible throughout the plant? Not exactly. I called his cell phone and had the following discussion. Bear in mind the entire company is hearing his side of the conversation:

Capt. Commando: Hello
TFG: Employee 2 and I have a bet. He says that you never wear underwear and I say that's wrong.
Capt. Commando: It's true. Everyone knows I don't wear underwear.
TFG: I didn't know. Why is that?
Capt. Commando: Because I like to feel the breeze blowing on my junk.
TFG: That's filthy. What if you tear your pants?
Capt. Commando: Then the women get a thrill. Everybody loves my tool.
TFG: Uh-huh, that's a sitcom, isn't it? I'm guessing that I'd need a microscope to be offended, anyway.
Capt. Commando: Shit. You'd like it, too. My wife makes me shave down there, so it's all smooth and shiny.
TFG: I'm not so....(interrupted)
Capt. Commando: You are such an asshole. I can't believe you did that.
TFG: Hysterical laughter.

It looks like I won't be making Employee of the Month, again.


At 11:04 AM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

I'd say, in that case, it was your honor-bound responsibility to do that. You should get employee of the year.

At 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. You are an evil genius. I fear you. I now must move out of Maryland.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger Antonio said...


Nice one. I hope your coworkers aren't overly sensitive.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Now THAT'S comedy with a capital C!!!

I don't wear underwear either.

At 8:08 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 8:09 PM, Blogger tfg said...

ACW-Actually, I'm trying to trick them into firing me, but I'll save that for another post.

LOTI-Luckily, I'm a lazy evil genius.

antonio-This happened about 15 minutes before most of our senior management arrived. I might not have done it if I knew the president would hear it.

dyck-So where do you work and what's the number?

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

There truly are no words to express the combination of mortification, amusement and (could it be?) desire I feel right now for a person of your cleverness.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Karla said...

I think I might be in love with you.

At 7:47 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Next time, follow up with the following announcement:

"Attention: we need a clean-up in [Coworker's Office]."

At 8:54 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

I wasn't sure where that conversation was going (on his end). Though I guess if it had taken a turn for the worse, you would have had witnesses to the sexual harassment.

SMOOTH and shiny?? Indeed!

At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are just too funny. Are you single too?


At 3:26 PM, Blogger tfg said...


karla-You really need to read what I wrote about you in my previous post.

puerileuwaite-I was laughing way too hard that, but that would have been the icing on the cake.

anon-Thanks and, yes, nearly everybody in prison is.

At 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

damn, homey, i just had to read the opening line, "Our company has PA system that is tied to the speaker of every deskphone and a series of loudspeakers" and i was already laughing. pure comedy gold. you pwned him.

At 7:22 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Stick a fork in me, I'm done. This post should win an award. And not some stupid plaque to hang on the wall with your mug-shot on it.

At 1:17 AM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Dude...teach me.

At 9:41 AM, Blogger lizgwiz said...

That is hilarious. Everyone loves his tool? Priceless.

At 11:09 PM, Blogger John said...

this might be the greatest thing ever. ditto what Karla said.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Is it a Cisco phone system or one of those Avaya pieces of crap?

If it's the latter, oh boy, I have a manual of dirty tricks for you, perhaps playing in to your master plan to get fired.

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Cham said...

So that explains this weird guy emailing me suggesting I come by your office and push a few buttons on your desk phone and then have monkey sex with you on your desk. He was willing to pay me quite a bit of money for the effort. Even knowing what he is up to I still might do it.


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