Monday, January 15, 2007

Am I A Bad Man For Wanting To Have Peyton's Baby?

Saturday, I called a friend of mine who also happens to be a sporting probability broker. It was well before the kickoff of the Ravens game, so I was still able to place a wager. I don't gamble on sports much anymore - this was the first game I bet on this season. To my defense, I did compare the teams' stats during lunch on Friday and suspected that Baltimore's offense would probably flounder under the pressure. Also, Baltimore played a cake schedule this season, while Indy did not. Regardless, I hadn't actually planned to do anything about my hunch, but, apparently, I was well overdue for some filthy, fiscal stupidity.

So, is this me? Except for the beads and bad haircut, it fortunately is not.

My broker is an enormous Russian guy that we'll call Enormous Russian Guy or ERG for brevity. He doesn't actually need to be enormous for his brokerage duties, it's only a part-time job and he only takes bets from people he knows, so everyone pays. Half of the fun of being around ERG is the fact that despite his 20 years in this country, he still can barely speak English. Last night, I went to the Russian Place and have the following conversation in pseudoEnglish:

Me: Hello, ERG
ERG (refusing to shake my hand): You are traitor. You go against your city.
Me: Fuck my city in the ear.
ERG: No, no. You cannot. You are shit-man.
Me: I know. I even have the cape. Where's my money?
ERG: There can be no money for traitors.
Me: I'm going to have you deported to Dundalk, again. Where's your green card?
ERG: It is on your ass. (
sometimes on = up)
Me: Don't you mean that it's over my ass?
ERG: Yes, it will be over your ass, too.

This went on for awhile, to my amusement and that of his friends who actually speak English. Then he went somewhere and retrieved an envelope. Here's me:

So, in conclusion, I am a traitor to the city of Baltimore for taking Indy and +4. I didn't actually see the game, which is good, since I can't stand to watch games that I've bet on because I am transformed into a raving idiot. But if I had, I would have most likely been howling for the Colts. I am well aware that I should be bound and gagged atop Federal Hill while being flogged by Capt. Chesapeake and then forced to play "Maryland, My Maryland" via a non-traditionally located kazoo. Nevertheless, I'm up $500 and that's not too shabby, particularly for an established shit-man.


At 6:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget to report that on your taxes.

At 8:42 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Wow. I need international intrigue in MY life!

At 10:48 AM, Blogger verity said...

add that to the change money you cashed in and god DAMN that's one fine meal out. the kinda damage i could cause with that!

At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better a raving idiot than a raven one!

Hell, I'm just glad my crapass team BEAT the Ravens this was the only game I watched.

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Tiggerlane said...

You couldn't NOT cheer for the Colts - Peyton is the man.

But then, who am I to talk? I want to have his baby, too.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 12:09 PM, Blogger tfg said...

anon-I'll get right on that in addition to me E-Bay loot.

puerilewaite-Baltimore has a Russian section of town, which, like Russian people, I find mildly fascinating.

geisha-Indeed, it would. I wouldn't knwo how to act in a restaurant that served $500 meals.

LOTI-Don't get me wrong, I like the Ravens, but I like free money much more.

tigger-I'm not unfamiliar with IN, so I like the Colts, too. Manning is probably the most gifted QB we've seen in 20 years.

At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Homey got the fat roll.

At 6:20 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Sigh. My crush on you is officially over.

At 6:31 PM, Blogger tfg said...

anon2-Yeah, homey forgot about MLK day and got to walk around with a grand on his person all day. Homey ain't so bright.

kalleigh-Ha! There's a lot of that going around these days.

At 9:18 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

sporting probability broker : bookie :: sex worker : HO

lol tfg, if you want more hot russian action, go to eye to eye on york road for your eyeglasses. the owner look like ex kgb. if you break glasses he put you in gulag.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger eebmore said...

Bored at work the other day, I convinced one of the russians to go up to the spaniards and yell at them for speaking in a foreign tongue. “I kant oondersAnd uz. Speek Russian!” Retarded, I know, but it had me laughing for a good five minutes.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger John said...

seriously I can think of nothing better than winning money by betting against Baltimore. 'Course I'm in Cleveland.

At 10:34 PM, Blogger John said...

since I didn't know if TFG really stood for "this fucking guy" or not I called my link "Tony's Famous Gonads" Also Tiggerlane's little profile pic is one of the hottest GD things I've ever seen. And she loves football.

At 11:44 PM, Blogger tfg said...

j$-Can you provide a proof for the equality that you stated?

eebmore-A couple of the russians where I work actually speak Spanish. I could lend you one for a few days.

john- TFG can stand for whatever you wish. Personally, I prefer the latter option.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Have fun popping that baby out your bunghole!

At 3:34 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

In mother Russia, money bets YOU!


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