I Need A Hero
Ask any old-timer about what is wrong with the youth of today and you will inevitably hear the same complaint: Youngsters nowadays have nobody to look up to. Celebrity icons such as Brittney Spears, Barry Bonds, Tom Cruise, and Eminem can hardly be portrayed as good role models for the younger generation. You would think that with all of the media hype that permeates our culture, there would be someone that kids could look to emulate.
Fortunately, I've saved the day by discovering a Superhero that is sufficiently wholesome for all ages:
Faster than a speeding bidet. Able to leap tall hemorrhoids in a single bound. It's Captain Colon* and his crimefighting headgear. I wonder if he needs a sidekick, because I honestly think that I'd make a great Prince Proctoscope .
* I honestly didn't make this up. I found it in the Health and Wellness section of a midwestern Sunday newspaper.