Sunday, June 17, 2007

I Need A Hero

Ask any old-timer about what is wrong with the youth of today and you will inevitably hear the same complaint: Youngsters nowadays have nobody to look up to. Celebrity icons such as Brittney Spears, Barry Bonds, Tom Cruise, and Eminem can hardly be portrayed as good role models for the younger generation. You would think that with all of the media hype that permeates our culture, there would be someone that kids could look to emulate.

Fortunately, I've saved the day by discovering a Superhero that is sufficiently wholesome for all ages:

Faster than a speeding bidet. Able to leap tall hemorrhoids in a single bound. It's Captain Colon* and his crimefighting headgear. I wonder if he needs a sidekick, because I honestly think that I'd make a great Prince Proctoscope .


* I honestly didn't make this up. I found it in the Health and Wellness section of a midwestern Sunday newspaper.


27 Comments:

At 11:31 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I can't think of a thing to say about that except -- LMAO! And that I'd sure hate to have to wear that costume.:-)

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger a.g. said...

finally. someone who understands me. :)

 
At 12:46 AM, Blogger Cham said...

Captain Colon sounds kind of neat. He's moving at the speed of light through your anus. However, I am suspect of anyone who finds it necessary to read the Health and Wellness section of a midwestern newspaper. You don't need a hero, you need a hobby.

 
At 9:10 AM, Anonymous hanmee said...

This is not related to your post (though the fact that his would actually be published is amusing/horrifying- i mean, would this ad actually appeal to the old fuddy-duddies that it is supposed to reach, but I digress), but it reminds me of the Robot Chicken episode I saw last night that had Optimus Prime doing a lesson about his prostate...I think I found my new favorite show...

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Shouldn't his costume be brown with red accents? Also, let's make sure he hasn't done gay porn before inserting him into our Fortress of Solitude.

 
At 11:00 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Best thing read on a Monday morning yet!!!

 
At 11:38 AM, Blogger tfg said...

SJ-I wouldn't mind having the hat for church, court, and what not.

geisha-That's Assclownopolis...a little something for everybody.

cham-What I need is some of your legendary hot monkey loving on the steps of the state capitol.

hanmee-Do they have a Tranformer for ass play?

puerilewaite-Jeez, make one glory hole flick and your branded for life.

adw-Thanks.

 
At 1:06 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Not quite as good as "Mel Gibson: Dream Gynecologist" but equally as compelling.

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Yeah, I can see your point about the hat. It does have a certain panache.:-)

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

I have to wonder about Captain Colon's intentions extending that diproportionately large thumb.

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I tried the Captain Colon breakfast cereal last week. A word of advice: Don't.

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

And who is the superhero for breast cancer - Captain Hooter? Is he a big boob or just looking at one?

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

WIPE out? Now there's a great advertising firm.

 
At 9:48 PM, Anonymous Claude said...

Cruisermel beat me to it: It's the "Wipe Out" part that makes it art.

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Captain colon sounds like a real rectum wrecker to me.
Iffin he gonna have a sidekick it would have to be Petey Polyp a persnickity porcupine.

Ouch!

 
At 11:26 AM, Blogger December/Stacia said...

That is the best ad copy I think I've ever seen. "Who's that wiping out colorectal cancer?"

Gee, WHO?!

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

It makes me giggle that more than one person thought Captain Colon was a good idea....

 
At 8:35 PM, Blogger Magnum PO said...

Who's the sidekick, Boy Bunghole?fok

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

Ah, the power of the pooper!

 
At 5:40 PM, Anonymous Bonanza JellyBean said...

Awesome.

 
At 6:57 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

You ass men are all so strange.

 
At 9:31 PM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

Oh, my God, that's my BOSS!!!

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

...And, Corndog, how about The Boobmashinator, Master of the Mammogram?

 
At 1:30 AM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

GreenyFlower, that is hilarious! I wish I knew someone that could draw. That would make the best cartoon

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger tfg said...

sassy-Mel Gibson is overrated. He uses a butt double in all those movies.

SJ-Yes, the hat makes the costume.

crunchy-Are you familiar with the Midwestern game known as Switch?

dyck-Dolt. It's only good with Milk of Magnesia.

corn dog-Captain Chemo? Colons are funny, cancer--not so much.

cruisermel, claude, stacy-Yes, I'm contracting with them to do the ads for my gynecological drive through concept.

scary-What costume would Petey wear?

magnum po-What a coincidence. That was mom's nickname for me.

legaleagle-More than one company, actually.

kadonkadonk-Indeed. After careful experimentatation, I can state with a high degree of certainty that it's 46.3 kilowatts.

kalleigh- I am not an ass man. I am THE Ass Man. Goo-goo-ga-joob.

greeny-Boobmashinator??? Nice.

 
At 8:33 PM, Blogger Charles said...

I wonder if there is a Commander Prostate in league with him.

 
At 6:17 AM, Blogger Paul Sean Fitzgerald said...

yes, captain colon rules. Check out our site

http://www.CapatainColon.com

 

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