Thursday, July 05, 2007

Taking the Keys Away

Yesterday, I was talking to my father on the telephone. True to form, we covered one of my favorite topics; the state of my inheritance. Despite the fact that I constantly remind him that daily eating is unnecessary and that doctors are for pussies, he still manages to squander my fortune at an alarming rate. In this instance, he informed me that he spent approximately $600 on lawnmower maintenance. There are several problems with this.

The lawnmower in question is a Snapper Hi-Vac Rear Engine Riding Mower. Incidentally, it also happens to be red, allowing me to make clever statements like, "Dad, what do the neighbors think of your red snapper?" Considering that this mower is barely a year old and retails for about the book value of my car, there is no way that it should require $600 of repairs so soon. Delving deeper, we had the following discussion:

Me: How did you manage to spend $600 fixing the lawnmower? It's fairly new.
Dad: The front steering linkage is broken. Plus, it needed a new blade and the blade's driveshaft was bent.
Me: Bent? That takes some doing. When did that happen?
Dad: When I drove the lawnmower down the hill in the front yard.
Me: The hill covered with rocks?
Dad: Yeah, that hill.
Me: The rocks are large and white. Grass is green. How did you mistake the two?
Dad: Well, lawn mowing is kind of monotonous. So, I thought I'd take a little nap.
Me: You're telling me you fell asleep on the lawnmower?
Dad: Hey, I woke up. Right after the blade broke off.
Me: Hysterical laughter.

If you've ever used a riding lawnmower, you know that it's not a terribly relaxing proposition. Due to the lack of suspension, the operator is subjected vibratory forces that are only rivaled by some of Cham's more potent sex toys. Furthermore, my father assured me that he was not under the influence of alcohol or any other mind altering substance. By the way, there are circumstances when the best strategy is to claim complete intoxication. Had my dad said, "Yes, son. I was ripped to the tits on MD 20/20 when I wrecked the lawnmower," I wouldn't be nearly as worried. Thus, I was forced to inform him that his days of independence are quickly waning and that we should start shopping assisted living facilities. Since he's only 62 and I've been suggesting the same for the last 15 years, I doubt he's going to go for it.


At 7:41 PM, Blogger karla said...

62 and willing to squander money away on any number of silly things? Give me his phone number; I'll milk him for whatever cash he has left and then let him nap his way into a fatal lawnmower-riding traffic accident.

At 9:20 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

At least he didn't end up in the ditch with the lawnmower on top of him. That's how my grandfather broke his leg about 10 years before he passed away. Needless to say, we made sure someone came to mow the lawn for him. By someone, I mean me. The rest of my family are a bunch of lazy bastards.

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've never fallen asleep on the mower. Had a bit of a happy ending once or twice...but never slept.

My stepdad drove his riding mower into the deep end of the pool. Then got out and cussed the pool. Because it hasn't been there for ten of the last ten years.

At 9:34 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Asleep at the wheel, mowing rocks. Maybe he is ready for assisted living. He is very lucky that he just broke the mower and didn't hurt himself, though. Sounds like both our inheritances are going down the toilet fast. Poor is good, I guess.:-)

At 10:05 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

"Due to the lack of suspension, the operator is subjected vibratory forces that are only rivaled by some of Cham's more potent sex toys."

So, what kind of mower is this again?

At 10:26 PM, Blogger Cham said...

I fell asleep on a riding lawn mower once, but it had less to do with old age and more to do with a rather potent form of peyote.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger danielle said...

$600??? That's more than I've ever in one instance spent to fix my car!

At 5:02 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

What kind of "grass" is daddy growing in that yard anyway??

At 5:25 PM, Blogger tfg said...

karla-Yeah, right. All I need is a step-mom that's my age.

sassy-I was glad the mower didn't topple. I don't know why he doesn't get someone to mow it for him, since there are no shortage of guest workers in that part of the world.

dangerdoll-Happy ending on a lawnmower? How did you fit the asian masseuse on the mower, too?

SJ-The mower has a kill-switch in the seat that I bypassed for him. I think it's going to be reactivated on my next visit.

legal-Now how are you going to explain a lawnmower in your bedroom? I'm pretty open minded, but that would freak me out.

cham-Hallucinogens and sharp rotating machinery. That would have made a great ER story.

danielle-Send me your mechanic's number. Immediately.

dyck-Not that kind. I've already suggested it, though.

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

You could always put him to work at the local high school football field a la Forrest Gump and make a few bucks offa the geezer before you have to put him in a home.


At 1:00 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

I'm backkkkkk

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Laura said...

Assisted living is very expensive. If you want to hold on to that inheritance, perhaps you should consider chaining him up in the yard or something.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Hey, who said anything about my bedroom? Besides, I need a new lawnmower. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

At 10:24 PM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

Well, if you're smart enough to bypass a kill-switch, you're smart enough to figure out some way to get the inheritance without having to endanger your da or put him in the home. (Truthfully, though, it sounds like he'll take care of his own end-of-life issues. Maybe strap himself onto the riding lawnmower and aim himself across the highway or something...)


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