Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Wedding Planner

It appears that I've become quite the matchmaker lately, since things between Sassy Blond and Doodoo Brown have gotten serious. Consequently, as an ordained minister, I will be the officiant at their wedding and have prepared the following vows:

Reverend TFG: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness an event of an unparalleled holiness: The matrimony of myself and the reception's open bar. But first, I probably ought marry these two horndogs, Sassy Blond and Doodoo Brown, so that we don't have yet another bastard kid on our hands. To celebrate the spirit of the day, Sassy and Doodoo have selected the following inspirational poem reading:

There onces was a man from Degrass.
His balls where made out of brass.
when he clang them together
They made stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass

Who gives this woman's hand in marriage today today?

Convenient Homeless Guy: I do.
Rev TFG:
Give?!? Gas, grass or ass. There are no free rides. Do I hear 20,20,20-20 in the front. 25?25? 30?30? Sold to Mr. Brown. OK, Doodoo. Do you promise to lay the pipe only to Sassy, minimize Dutch Ovens and to keep her basement leak free.
Groom: I do.
Rev TFG: And Sassy, do you promise to uphold the covenants of matrimony such as cooking, cleaning, changing the diapers of the little Doodoos and not bitching when Doodoo blows his paycheck at the nudie bar?
Bride: I do.
Rev TFG: Well, isn't that just the cat's ass? I pronounce you two hot monkey lovers--now go get a room. Where in the hell is the buffet?

By the way, if you've got a upcoming summer wedding, my calendar is suprisingly open.


At 9:19 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

I insist on marital counseling before saying "I do" to Doo Doo. What if he's too immature for me? Where will that leave me? I'll not only have to take care of my lil Doo Doos, but I'll have one big Doo Doo to take care of as well. Where the shit will that leave me? Huh? HUH?

(Perhaps I just have pre-wedding jitters.)

At 10:58 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

What will they name the children?

At 11:06 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

When do I get to voice my objection to this matri-phony? That fucking kid is MINE, and I've got the broken condom to prove it.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I don't want to get married, especially to another Big Doo Doo, but please, can I be a bridesmaid at the next wedding you perform?

At 3:18 AM, Blogger RevRee said...

As the age old saying goes... "A Man's Gotta Do What a Man's Gotta Doo-Doo..." HA!

At 8:03 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Yes but where will they live? I mean sassy bondie has her whole thing going in the south and Doo Doo is in the MD area, so you need to update these nuptials STAT with some kind of amendment on living arrangements....

At 8:51 AM, Anonymous lori said...

DAMMIT! Where were you when I was looking for a minister?????

At 10:21 AM, Anonymous hanmee said...

fanTAStic limerick

i love a good poem

At 11:52 AM, Blogger Antonio said...

My favorite line at a wedding was on Futurama when the preacher said "The bride and groom have written their own vows which we will all pretend to be interested in."

At 3:39 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

TFG-You do realize that you have now forever made me the "Doo Doo Bride", right? Damn Baltimore!

At 3:49 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

And I fear it may seriously hamper my dating life and any future marriage proposals that I might receive. lol

At 8:58 AM, Blogger ThatGreenyFlower said...

*Wipes a tear from her eye*

They could name the kids Voodoo and YouDo. I like the alliteration.

At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's not alliteration

At 8:33 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Where's the open bar??????


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