The Wedding Planner

It appears that I've become quite the matchmaker lately, since things between Sassy Blond and Doodoo Brown have gotten serious. Consequently, as an ordained minister, I will be the officiant at their wedding and have prepared the following vows:

Reverend TFG: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness an event of an unparalleled holiness: The matrimony of myself and the reception's open bar. But first, I probably ought marry these two horndogs, Sassy Blond and Doodoo Brown, so that we don't have yet another bastard kid on our hands. To celebrate the spirit of the day, Sassy and Doodoo have selected the following inspirational poem reading:

There onces was a man from Degrass.
His balls where made out of brass.
when he clang them together
They made stormy weather
And lightning shot out of his ass

Who gives this woman's hand in marriage today today?

Convenient Homeless Guy: I do.
Rev TFG: Give?!? Gas, grass or ass. There are no free rides. Do I hear 20,20,20-20 in the front. 25?25? 30?30? Sold to Mr. Brown. OK, Doodoo. Do you promise to lay the pipe only to Sassy, minimize Dutch Ovens and to keep her basement leak free.
Groom: I do.
Rev TFG: And Sassy, do you promise to uphold the covenants of matrimony such as cooking, cleaning, changing the diapers of the little Doodoos and not bitching when Doodoo blows his paycheck at the nudie bar?
Bride: I do.
Rev TFG: Well, isn't that just the cat's ass? I pronounce you two hot monkey lovers--now go get a room. Where in the hell is the buffet?

By the way, if you've got a upcoming summer wedding, my calendar is suprisingly open.