New Year's Resolutions

It is the season for solemn reflection on the trials, tribulations, victories, and failures of the past year. After conducting an intensive and unbiased appraisal, I have resolved to address the following areas in 2006:

Goal 1: Time Management
Time is the most precious commodity that we have. After all, you can always make more money. Thus, I resolve to maximize the remaining time that I have allotted. This will likely involve the extensive use of potent prescription stimulants, body doubles, and an army of illegal immigrants. I vow to learn new skills like how to shower while driving and to restrict all social activities to those than can be conducted, via cell phone, in public restrooms.

Goal 2: Romantic Endeavors
There is a Universal Law that states that any girlfriend of mine must be insane. I recognize this now and have decided to go with the flow. From here on, I will only date women who are recent or current patients of Sheppard-Pratt. Consequently, future girlfriends will still be crazy, but they will be diagnosed, medicated, and quite possibly restrained with no effort on my part. This will go a long way in attaining Goal 1. Who says shock collars can't be sexy?

Goal 3: Sensitivity Towards Others
Sometimes I tend to forget that those around me also have their own unique set of hopes, dreams, and feelings. No longer will I make callous statements like: "What the hell were you smoking when you hatched that harebrained plan? You really need to get your head out of your ass." Instead, I'll take the compassionate approach: "I really appreciate that you have brought a well-reasoned perspective to the table and I will give it my utmost consideration. By the way, wouldn't you be more comfortable if you were to remove your head from your posterior?" Do you see the contrast? It's the new sensitive me.

Goal 4: Retirement Planning
As a 33 year old, I am painfully aware that I need to be doing more to prepare for retirement. It is predicted that the Social Security Trust Fund will be exhausted before I reach retirement age. I do contribute to my 401K regularly, but this is no guarantee in light of the economic turmoil that I feel is eminent. Thus, I've decided to initiate my own self-directed retirement plan: Heroin. Think about it, do you know any elderly junkies? Me, neither. However, as a hedge against Keith Richards syndrome, I will begin stockpiling Alpo, Centrum Silver, and prunes.

Goal 5: Career Objectives
Contingent upon and in conjunction with Goal 3, I have decided to pursue my lifelong dream as a Hallmark card designer. I have already started assembling my portfolio for Valentine's Day. Let me know how I'm doing:




As you can see, I've given myself a mighty tall order. Nevertheless, I know that with hard work, perseverance and the Heroin Club for Men, I can make 2006 one for the books.