Sunday, June 11, 2006


Over the last nine months, I've noticed a distinct pattern in the blogosphere. When a blog begins to "die" the symptoms are fairly predictable. First, the posts become increasingly less intelligible and/or funny. Next, the frequency of posting decreases, until, finally, the blog goes into permanent limbo. I attribute this process to the blogger realizing the internet's true purpose, which is seeking out naked Janet Reno videos.

If you want to see an example of this, all you have to do is look at the past 6 weeks of posts on this blog. However, it is not my intention to kill Assclownopolis (at this time, anyway). As you might have inferred from the last 4 weeks of my incessant bitching, like a two-twatted sissified Nancy-boy, is that I've been working insane hours. Since I really can't remember my last day off, I haven't had time to read blogs or post here. However, I can foresee a date where I won't have to "burn the candle at both ends." This will occur in approximately 2 weeks or whenever I quit adulterating my Depends with tabasco, whichever comes first.

With that in mind, I will be out of town on business from 6/11 until 6/24. These trips will be hellish, so posts will be minimal and probably consist of pleas for a quick death/hard drugs. Consequently, if I were you, I wouldn't bother visiting this blog, until, say, the end of June. While some of you find it pretentious when a blogger announces a prolonged absence, that's too bad. Besides, think of the electricity you will save in unwasted clicks. With the 72% increase/assraping looming, every electron counts.

Moreover, in addition to ignoring my blog and yours, I have something new on the internet to ignore. That's right, I have entered the domain of Digital Douchality and have created a MySpace account. Actually, I've have it since the Catonsville Myspace murder in January, but I've kept it because you can't read or comment on there without one. Actually, that's not exactly true; I have it because I'm trolling for stupid chicks whose idea of high tech is animated GIFs, which seems to describe 50% of MySpace users. If you fit the criteria I have listed there, be sure to add me as your friend immediately.

In closing, I will leave you with something that is uplifting and truly inspirational. Some refer to these as the Eighth Wonder of the World, others a National Treasure, but I like to call them: My Fabulous Nuts. These aren't any ordinary nuts, mind you. In fact, only the largest of sacks is capable of containing such marvels:

And here is one of the many, appreciative fans reveling in the glory of my nuts:

In the spirit of generosity, I probably ought to turn these into animated GIFs for newfound MySpace friends.


At 1:05 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Alright, I'm taking over this blog in your absence. Leave me your account name and password.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

squirrel nut nippers!

At 7:10 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

I have to admit, the naked pic with gun in hand is HOT!!! Maybe, I'll add you to myspace!

At 6:05 PM, Blogger tfg said...

dyck-No way. I need you ass up here in MN to show me how to do this in 3 hours.

j$-I had a better picture of 2 of them eating peanuts on my balcony rail, but I deleted it accidentally.

revree-Not only do I have my gun in my hand, but also a rifle.

At 8:42 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

I was gonna ask, is that "Gun" loaded?...

At 9:58 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Work = boo.

I'm hopping on over to Whorespace to add you.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger chunky monkey said...

Oh geez, MUST you use that pic on your myspace account??!

It just makes me gurgle unintelligible sounds as I cover my mouth.

And then I laugh. A little.

And feel guilty.


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