Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Jesus, You Wankers Are Still Reading This.

Much like herpes, I come and go but you can't get rid of me. So, where I have been for the last 2 months? Well, you won't be surprised to learn that I was kidnapped and forced into sexual servitude by a busload wagonload of Mennonite dominatrixes. I will spare you the sordid details, but I can tell you that I'll never be able to look at a butter churn without becoming somewhat aroused.

Alright, except for the butter churn part
, I made that up. Since mid-June, I have been to the following places:

1. Minneapolis
2. Chicago
3. Kansas City
4. Philadelphia
5. Detroit
6. Minneapolis (again)
7. Salina, KS

In addition to being gone over 50% of the time, I've been teaching myself some new work skills, avidly job hunting, and, of course, aggressively expanding my celebrity nosehair collection. In other words, I've been busier than All Balls and I know I don't have to tell you how busy that is.

So, you are probably asking yourself, "Who cares?," "What does this mean for me?," and "Did I mix up the Fixodent with the Vagisil, again?" Well, I don't I have all the answers, but I can state the following with confidence:

1. There will definitely be an improvement on this blog with respect to regularity. I'm not insinuating that I will post more often, but I will be taking my Metamucil daily.

2. I am going to make a concerted effort to avoid using dick jokes to be humorous. Instead, I'm going to take the high road and only tell purple-headed-yogurt-slinger jokes. I'm sure we can agree that the ascent in sophistication is already evident.

I will resume my tireless quest to father Cham Green's lovechild high atop the Lake Roland dam on a moonless midnight.

4. Do something else. I can't really recall what it is, but I'm sure it was important and I think it might have involved penicillin. I'll have to get back to you on this one.

Clearly, I have my work cut out for me. This is where you come in. If you happen to know anyone looking to hire an experienced engineer, who has excellent design and programming skills, for a starring role in their amateur adult film
production, by all means let me know.


At 10:24 PM, Blogger karla said...

Hmm. I liked it better when you weren't posting.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Kira said...

regarding #3, be sure to check the grass at lake roland for dog poop.
anyhow nice to know you aren't dead.

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Antonio said...

Welcome back! Hilarious as always.

At 9:40 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

hey cochise i thought you had joined the taliban or hare krsna or something.

welcome back, and don't think we won't be expecting you at the sept 1 bloggerhappyhour. we won't want you there, but we will be expecting you.

At 12:53 PM, Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

New lurker. Glad to see you made it back.

At 1:12 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

I for one, am simply glad to have you back.

wipes eye, sniffs.

Oh, sorry, just trying to get the mental image of #3 out of my brain.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Now that you're back, I guess I should tell you that I frequently visited your blog to cry. To masturbate and cry.

At 5:39 PM, Blogger tfg said...

karla-I'm sure.

kira-Thanks. I'll make Cham give me a piggyback ride through the grass to the dam.


j$-Actually, I have joined both organizations. I spend my days at the airport distributing explosive, religous pamphlets. Well, see about happy hour as I'm scheduled to be out of town.

mr. friendly-Thanks. I'll have to give your blog a good look.

broadsheet-Thanks, but that's nearly as traumatic as moths in the ear.

ACW-I'm glad to see that your multi-tasking skills are current.

At 6:09 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I waited two months for this crap??! I agree with the babbler. I'm taking over this blog effective immediately!

At 6:39 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

I just thought you were dead.

At 6:54 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Well, I thought it was funny. LOL

It sound like your making presidential promises.

Bill Clinton would be proud.


I'm glad your back!

I was dying over here.

At 5:54 AM, Blogger RevRee said...

nice to see you're alive

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

Kansas City will do it everytime.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

I'm glad you've been gone, I get to make calls to Mexico three times a week now.

At 9:35 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

We thought you were dead, man. ACW was excited about the prospect of a good ol' fashioned necro-hump, but now he's just broken-hearted.

What a cocktease.

At 9:47 PM, Blogger John said...

hmm I didn't even know you were gone.

At 1:37 AM, Blogger tfg said...

dyck-What's two months in the greater scheme of things? A 1/120th of your sentence?

doggerelblogger-I was. It didn't take.

charles-Thanks. Don't mind, Dyckerson. He gets cranky when on shower days at the prison.


luck-KC seemed OK. Particularly when I saw their real estate prices.

snay-You know you could have done some vacuuming while you were in here.

hink-I'm playing hard to get.

john-That's the best comment yet.


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