Nail That Interview
A critical part of the job hunting process is the interview. This is when the prospective employee and employer really get to size each other up. In order to stand out from the other candidates, it's important that you are mentally prepared for the interview. Fortunately, as a service to you, I have provided a list of common interview questions and answers that you can give to ensure that you get noticed.
Q: How do you feel about overtime?
A: Probably about the same way that you feel about compensating people for overtime.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Some decisions are out of our hands. By the way, do you give time off for parole hearings?
Q: Why are manhole covers round?
A: When you say "manhole cover," that's slang for maxi-pads, right?
Q: What is your greatest asset?
A: The ability to deal with assclowns, without ever letting them know that I think that they are assclowns. See, I'm doing it now.
Q: What are you passionate about?
A: Payday.
Q: What would your previous managers say about you?
A: That the resemblance between myself and their youngest child is disturbingly striking.
Q: Do you like to think "outside of the box?"
A: Not particularly. I try to get in "the box" as much as possible.
Q: How do you deal with difficult people?
A: I've found that most "difficult" people aren't actually that difficult, once you get to know them. A well placed kick in the nuts is a great icebreaker.
Q: Why do you think that you are the best candidate for the job?
A: Because I have naked pictures of you and I'm thinking about posting them on my website.
Q: Do you have a favorite hobby?
A: Bedwetting, although I think of it more as a way of life.
Q: Can you give an example where you were part of a team?
A: Are you familiar with the phrase, "Running a train?" It's a whole lot like tag team wrestling, but different.
Q: What is your greatest accomplishment?
A: I once removed a bra using nothing but my teeth. I can demonstrate, if necessary.
Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: I tend to accept job interviews from douchebags. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but alas, here we are.
posted by tfg @ 6/29/2006 09:17:00 PM
25 comments
25 Comments:
I will pass this on to my hubby who has an interview with a Big Gov't Contractor today. It will be a great reference.
Another tip: When you are introduced to your interviewer, offer to shake their hand...then before they can respond, yank yours away really fast. They love that.
Another great tip...
Randomly shout foul expletives throughout the interview.
At some point, Tell the interviewer, "I have Touret's Syndrome. Pig fucker."
If the company's at all interested in complying with the Americans with Disabilities Act... the interviewer can't mention it or use it to disqualify you.
Even if they don't hire you, it'll haunt the interviewer forever that they *might* have discriminated against you. That and the fact that they were called a Pig Fucker...
Farting shows you're not all uptight. Do it often during the interview. To show that you have a sense of humor, blame the smell on the interviewer.
lori- If your husband gets the job, remember my consulting fee.
dyck- The last time I yanked mine away really fast, in an interview, they threw me out.
doc-That would be worth bringing a hidden camera/microphone for.
mr anthrope-Farting is more a second interview type thing.
Also, do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.
When they ask you about your goals, jump up and shout "GOOOOOAAAAAL! GOOOOAAAAAL! GOOOOOAAAAAL!" like a soccer announcer and rip your shirt off.
don't forget to wipe your sweat on your sleeve.
FREAKING funny stuff!
I got 5 of those wrong...
If they ask you to sum yourself up in one word, say "bigot".
You could also try wearing all your clothes inside out to the interview.
goooood-niiiiight...a-ding-ding-ding....
(monty python in case you're wondering)
Why cant I just get a job for free without effort?
Post and comments are killin' me here!
Okay, I've got an interview tip for WOMEN.
If the Interviewer asks if you have any children, *wink* at him in a sly manner, and - in a husky voice - say "none that I know of".
Where you been, Mr. Assclown? We miss ya...
New post!
You have been gone for a long, long time. Come Baaaaaaccccckkkkk!
I usually perfer to skip all the tiresome questions and answers, and just sleep with the interviewer. I find that scores me more points than a well-worded answer.
Please come back assclownopolis, I'm an assclownopoholic and I've got the DT's real bad.
dude where ya been?
For the love of Christ, a new post, please! I'm tired of coming here and seeing that same old post. You're in danger of boring the shit out of me.
You're dead, aren't you? If so, I'm truly sorry for all the terrible things I said about you while you were alive. They were true, but they didn't need to be said.
When is the next post?!?!?
Forget it, Alex. The guy's dead. Find a new blog to read.
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