Thursday, June 29, 2006

Nail That Interview

A critical part of the job hunting process is the interview. This is when the prospective employee and employer really get to size each other up. In order to stand out from the other candidates, it's important that you are mentally prepared for the interview. Fortunately, as a service to you, I have provided a list of common interview questions and answers that you can give to ensure that you get noticed.

Q: How do you feel about overtime?
A: Probably about the same way that you feel about compensating people for overtime.

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Some decisions are out of our hands. By the way, do you give time off for parole hearings?

Q: Why are manhole covers round?
A: When you say "manhole cover," that's slang for maxi-pads, right?

Q: What is your greatest asset?
A: The ability to deal with assclowns, without ever letting them know that I think that they are assclowns. See, I'm doing it now.

Q: What are you passionate about?
A: Payday.

Q: What would your previous managers say about you?
A: That the resemblance between myself and their youngest child is disturbingly striking.

Q: Do you like to think "outside of the box?"
A: Not particularly. I try to get in "the box" as much as possible.


Q: How do you deal with difficult people?

A: I've found that most "difficult" people aren't actually that difficult, once you get to know them. A well placed kick in the nuts is a great icebreaker.

Q: Why do you think that you are the best candidate for the job?
A: Because I have naked pictures of you and I'm thinking about posting them on my website.

Q: Do you have a favorite hobby?
A: Bedwetting, although I think of it more as a way of life.

Q: Can you give an example where you were part of a team?
A: Are you familiar with the phrase, "Running a train?" It's a whole lot like tag team wrestling, but different.

Q: What is your greatest accomplishment?
A: I once removed a bra using nothing but my teeth. I can demonstrate, if necessary.

Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: I tend to accept job interviews from douchebags. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but alas, here we are.

30 Comments:

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Lori said...

I will pass this on to my hubby who has an interview with a Big Gov't Contractor today. It will be a great reference.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Another tip: When you are introduced to your interviewer, offer to shake their hand...then before they can respond, yank yours away really fast. They love that.

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Another great tip...

Randomly shout foul expletives throughout the interview.

At some point, Tell the interviewer, "I have Touret's Syndrome. Pig fucker."

If the company's at all interested in complying with the Americans with Disabilities Act... the interviewer can't mention it or use it to disqualify you.

Even if they don't hire you, it'll haunt the interviewer forever that they *might* have discriminated against you. That and the fact that they were called a Pig Fucker...

 
At 10:39 PM, Blogger Mr. Anthrope said...

Farting shows you're not all uptight. Do it often during the interview. To show that you have a sense of humor, blame the smell on the interviewer.

 
At 8:34 AM, Blogger tfg said...

lori- If your husband gets the job, remember my consulting fee.

dyck- The last time I yanked mine away really fast, in an interview, they threw me out.

doc-That would be worth bringing a hidden camera/microphone for.

mr anthrope-Farting is more a second interview type thing.

 
At 12:37 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

Also, do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
moment.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

When they ask you about your goals, jump up and shout "GOOOOOAAAAAL! GOOOOAAAAAL! GOOOOOAAAAAL!" like a soccer announcer and rip your shirt off.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Charles said...

don't forget to wipe your sweat on your sleeve.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger jmeped said...

Tell them you were fired from your last job at long john silvers for pulling a butcher knife on the manager and then locking him in the freezer. It works every time and I don't even need to lie.

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger celticfire said...

FREAKING funny stuff!

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger The Dude said...

Since I've heard a job interview is like a first date I try to make googly eyes, offer to buy a drink, and ask them to come back to my place. Unfortunetly it doesn't work so well with men.

 
At 10:37 PM, Blogger R2K said...

I got 5 of those wrong...

 
At 10:04 AM, Blogger Humble Beginnings said...

Nice...

Next parish interview I have I'll try to use them.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Antonio said...

If they ask you to sum yourself up in one word, say "bigot".

 
At 8:52 AM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

You could also try wearing all your clothes inside out to the interview.

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

goooood-niiiiight...a-ding-ding-ding....

(monty python in case you're wondering)

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger R2K said...

Why cant I just get a job for free without effort?

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Post and comments are killin' me here!

Okay, I've got an interview tip for WOMEN.

If the Interviewer asks if you have any children, *wink* at him in a sly manner, and - in a husky voice - say "none that I know of".

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger doggerelblogger said...

Where you been, Mr. Assclown? We miss ya...

 
At 9:08 AM, Blogger R2K said...

New post!

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger Charles said...

You have been gone for a long, long time. Come Baaaaaaccccckkkkk!

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger karla said...

I usually perfer to skip all the tiresome questions and answers, and just sleep with the interviewer. I find that scores me more points than a well-worded answer.

 
At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please come back assclownopolis, I'm an assclownopoholic and I've got the DT's real bad.

 
At 8:40 PM, Blogger Kira said...

dude where ya been?

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger karla said...

For the love of Christ, a new post, please! I'm tired of coming here and seeing that same old post. You're in danger of boring the shit out of me.

 
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At 4:26 PM, Blogger karla said...

You're dead, aren't you? If so, I'm truly sorry for all the terrible things I said about you while you were alive. They were true, but they didn't need to be said.

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger J.J. Gittes said...

I like to stare real, real hard into their eyes for a full minute after each question. This works equally well for interviewer or interviewee.

 
At 11:42 PM, Blogger R2K said...

When is the next post?!?!?

 
At 10:34 AM, Blogger karla said...

Forget it, Alex. The guy's dead. Find a new blog to read.

 

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