Thursday, November 16, 2006

My Crotch-The Epic Narrative, Part 57

Last Friday, I had surgery to correct a hernia and, as a result, blog topics have been few and far between. Fortunately, I'm certain that we are united in our fascination with my crotch, so one more post on the subject seems to be in order.

The surgery, itself, was fairly straightforward--at least the little that I remember. The anesthetic that they used knocked me unconscious with blissful efficiency. About all I remember is telling the male nurse, "If there is a Code Purple down there, you are NOT to administer mouth-to-groin resuscitation." The next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room with some lady who kept trying to give me graham crackers. After she asked for the third time, I told her I'd eat the crackers in exchange for a shot of Dilaudid. I was half-joking, but she held up her end of the bargain, so I enjoyed several graham crackers in the syrupy euphoria that only the onset of potent, intravenously administered opiates can provide.

The operation left me with a 4" incision across the right side of my groin. Once the hair grows back, I doubt that the scar will be visible. What I'm thinking is that I probably need to go to Jo Ann's Fabrics before the incision heals. That way, I can remove the surgical sutures and replace them with a large zipper. This will create a convenient pocket that I can use as a change purse, cell phone holder, or to transport small heroin-laden balloons through international airports, which constitutes a distinct improvement over the previous method that I used to perform the latter task.

I was given a script for Percocet, which is a mild, opiated analgesic that is commonly prescribed to manage the pain that results from having to watch daytime television. An unpleasant side effect of Percocet is that it causes constipation, which is problematic when combined with the fact that the muscles that "make the magic happen" have been operated on. If you read Anonymous Coworker's blog, you know that at this time of the year he obsessively reviews all known variations
and associated derivations of eggnog. I am now qualified to conduct the same kind of extensive analysis, only with laxatives. I will spare you the details, but a major shortcoming in the philosophy of the laxative industry can be summarized by the following statement found on the side of an Ex-Lax® box: When taken at bedtime, Ex-Lax® is guaranteed to work gently and effectively by 8AM or your money back. Seriously, when you take Ibuprofen, do you want your headache to go away by next Thursday? Of course not, you want results and you want them instantly. I think something like this is far more appropriate:


Since I had the surgery on 11-10, I was not anticipating that the operation would interfere with my Thanksgiving plans. Yet, my discharge papers clearly state: NO SEXUAL ACTIVITY FOR 4 WEEKS. It is hard to convey how disappointing this is because it will end a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition in the tfg household. I guess I'm just going to have to figure out how to use this stuff, instead:


14 Comments:

At 12:12 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

So you're saying you can't "baste" your own "turkey" this time around?

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

What a baby. It's just a little scar. Have a beer and walk it off.

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger NPR Junky said...

Oh, I'm ALL for the zipper idea, tfg. Seriously. How sexy is a zipper?

Good luck with the laxitives. You and ACW should team up and start your own noggy-laxative goodness blog.

 
At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF? They've turned you into "Old" Elvis! What's next, shooting at theTV?

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger verity said...

Gives whole new meaning to the name Butterball. Christ. That's a visual I won't be rid of for a while. :)

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

Maybe you can start with the mashed potatoes. Ewwww...

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger tfg said...

ACW-It's takes a tough man to stuff a tender turkey.

dyck-I know. When compared to a C-section, this isn't shit. Guys are such pussies.

npr- Nog-lax live blogging. ACW could do the 1st half of the review and I could do the last part.

puerileuwaite-I shot my TV years ago.

verity-I'm the Grinch Who Stole Thanksgiving.

Luck o' the Irish-Precisely how did you think that the potatoes got mashed?

 
At 5:22 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Guess the turkey will be a little drier this year.

Just so you know, tryptophan causes impotence when applied superficially. I read it somewhere.

 
At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmm, maybe you should try combining all the laxatives together, maybe you might come up with an atomic strength laxative. Add some prune juice and apple cider, and it will really have you going.

Um be careful not to get your umm... "pReCiOuS" caught in the zipper. Velcro is the way to go.

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger karla said...

There is way too much talk about your penis here.

 
At 10:42 AM, Anonymous andy said...

heh, you said discharge.

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

LOL - oh hell - man - I feel for ya. Happy Thanksgiving and I am sure that you will come up with something to get ya by ...

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

 
At 4:35 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

I trust that both your terminal exits are on the mend...

 

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