Sunday, October 22, 2006

Pray For My Crotch

There is a crisis looming on the horizon that has the potential to adversely the very fabric of our society. Please pay careful attention, because I cannot overstate the gravity of this situation. No, I don't have advanced notice of an impending terrorist plot nor am I talking about an inevitable financial meltdown. No, this crisis is related to matters of a far more serious nature: This involves my crotch.

As you are well aware, my crotch serves as a cultural center for much of Western civilization and is even revered as a minor deity by the Maasi tribe of eastern Africa. Moreover, it has been demonstrated that my crotch holds the keys to solving the world's future energy problems. Unfortunately, it is my solemn duty to inform you that my crotch is in grave danger. There is a specter hanging over my crotch and I'm not talking about another helium filled Inflate-a-Annie doll. Last week, I managed to give myself an inguinal hernia (not lunch safe). Per my medical professional, an inguinal hernia consists of the separation of the abdominal muscle wall, allowing some serious shit to protrude through the resulting hole. Thus, I'm scheduled to see a serious shit specialist sometime this week to schedule surgery.

In the meantime, the doctor said that I am to refrain from any type of heavy lifting. This posed somewhat of a quandary, as I have to use the restroom several times a day. Fortunately, I put my engineering skills to work and came up with a solution:


Because of the astonishing resilience of my crotch, I am hoping for a full recovery. Per my medical professional, I'll be back to my crotch pilates routine in virtually no time. That's not to say that there won't be several days of healing required. In fact, any of my female readers who are available to provide sponge baths and therapeutic crotch massages should contact me immediately.

19 Comments:

At 2:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm confused, but nonetheless believe a "get well soon" is in order.

 
At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you sure you just didn't get the clap again?

 
At 9:07 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

heheh that graphic is great...

but DANGER... that paragraph of yours looks like it reads a "sphincter hanging over my crotch "

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

You should lay off the cock pushups.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger verity said...

Whatever a girl can do for a crotch in need...!

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger First Year said...

I just found this flow and I have to say... I fucking love the name :)

Thanks for the entertainment!!!

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger karla said...

Little known true fact: Inguinal hernia is the first sign of AIDS.

 
At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

I would suggest taping oven mitts to your hands so that you aren't tempted to "aggravate" your injury.

 
At 7:17 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

You're going to be awfully uncomfortable sitting on those things...

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger tfg said...

anon1-I thank you from the bottom of my crotch.

anon2-No worries there. I already had it when I gave myself the hernia.

j$-That's what it was supposed to say. Must have been Freudian slip.

ACW-I'm not sure about the push-ups, but it does make for a handy pogo stick.

verity-This is precisely the kind of spirit that we need more of one this blog.

1st year-It's even better on heavy flow days.

karla-I think there is a reason why that fact is little known.

crunch bc-Well I usually reserve oven mitts for my Julia Childs fantasies, but it might work.

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger NPR Junky said...

OOH! Pick me! Pick me!

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger Kira said...

a friend of a friend had hernia surgery and now has no belly button. But you probably read that on another B-more blog!
Gut Well!
(bad pun)

 
At 12:22 AM, Blogger Baron Ectar said...

Dude - I think you will need more than prayer!

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

If it's any consolation, this IS less serious (and certainly less embarrassing) than the "inguinea pig" that a "friend" had inadvertantly lodged in his rectal cavity. That'll teach him to not purchase off-brand duct tape.

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Thanks for the link by the way.

 
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had an incisional hernia once. I popped a stitch in my belly button after I had my appendix out. It happened while i was jerking off (of course). One minute I'm thinking of Tonya Harding in high heels and the next - *BLOOP!* - I got a chunk of intestine hanging over my groin...

Coulda been worse though - - coulda been in my F'N CROTCH.
Whew!

 
At 12:08 AM, Blogger Susiebadoozie said...

well, i for one counted the number of times you typed the word "crotch" and it was astounding. deviant in fact.

 
At 1:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm thinking "This sure is a crochety post... but funny!

Good job.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home