Monday, March 12, 2007

I Ain't Gonna Work On Maggie's Farm No More

I was feeling a little artsy-fartsy today, so I wrote about my current transition from being an overpaid prick to becoming a grossly, overpaid prick:

Douchebaggery Waning

I write these words with utter glee,
in a state of ecstacy.
My sentence is done, I've been paroled.
No longer will I be cornholed.

Please don't think of me as crass,
but the time has come to kiss my ass.
Don't be timid, don't be meek,
just plant a smooch on either cheek.

I will not miss most of you tools,
as I debark this ship of fools.
Since I don't work here anymore,
I doubt my butt will be as sore.

The die is cast, I will not stay,
for gold, jewels or beggar's pay.
Let this serve as my resignation,
I'll no longer suffer this fucktardation.

Remember once that I've escaped,
that I can no longer be buttraped.
If you need me, expect the worst,
as this consultant won't kiss you first.

In the future, I think I should focus more on the fartsy side.


At 12:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That is the best thing I've seen all day!!!

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Aza said...

It brings a tear to eye....beautiful and brilliant! Bravo, BRAVO, I say!!!

At 1:31 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

I'm really glad you ran your resignation letter by me first. That bridge would have been engulfed in flames had he read between the lines.

At 3:38 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Perfect...except that it should be written in shit on the office ceiling.

At 3:58 PM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

And Bob Dylan fits in how?

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

It is clear to me that your comprehension of the term "artsy-fartsy" means that anything comprising "art" must include numerous references to the hindquarters and their various multiple functions.

At 5:39 PM, Blogger tfg said...


aza-Thanks.I'm like the Walt Ehitman of ass humor.

broadsheet-Yes, thanks. Of course, now I have to work the 2 weeks, but it's better over the long term.

crunchy bc-That sounds like a good last day activity.

ACW-Hell, if I know.

kalleigh-I don't know if I agree with your assessment. BTW, have I ever mentioned that your hinquarters are a work of art?

At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congrats on the accomplishment!!!

At 8:29 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Yes, TFG, my hindquarters got the message when you proposed marriage to them. They are still considering your offer.

At 11:13 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...


At 11:33 PM, Blogger Kira said...

pure genius, shakespeare ;)

At 11:53 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

That's a fine piece of work. Congrats on your promotion to assistant manager! Does this mean you get free burgers now?

At 12:07 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

Sounds like you are in a great position.

At 6:20 AM, Blogger verity said...

Bless your heart for quoting Dylan! Congrats. :)

At 8:28 AM, Blogger tfg said...

LOTI-Thanks. Hopefully, you'll escape, too.

kalleigh-I'll have my people call your hindquarter's people and we'll seal the deal.

serena-That's high praise considering your wordnerdery skills.


dyck-No, I'm now the Deputy Assistant Bedpan Washer.

tkkerouac-Yes, that Kama Sutra video is paying dividends.

geisha-I knew that you'd get that. I'm not sure why I through the Grateful Dead references in, though.

At 12:55 PM, Blogger Hanmee said...


That was beautiful and brought a tear to me eye.

At 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Went to see the captain. Strangest I could find.

At 10:23 PM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

'fucktardation' -

infinity LOL

At 9:49 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

I think "fucktardation" is my new second favorite word! (First being "asshat.") Excellent work.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

hey, get posting!

At 4:29 PM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Fascinating and scintillating at the same time! Two thumbs up!

At 5:25 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Still, it's way more enjoyable than The Scorpions' "Wind of Change", which IS a fartsier tune.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Me thinks this could be happy making thing. Now that you no longer be the bottom boy, you can do some Buttshlagging yerself.

Remember, tis better to give than to recieve.


At 8:24 PM, Blogger karla said...

I think you can still be buttraped, just by a better class of people now. Congrats on that.

At 1:07 AM, Blogger Laura said...

Hey, plagiarist, isn't this a William Blake poem?

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Wow, that just put a smile on my face. If only I could win the mega millions, I'd ask you to borrow your poem.


At 4:15 AM, Blogger It's Me, Maven... said...

Speaking of "fartsy," you wouldn't happen to have clicked the rectum icon on my sidepanel, have you? If not, I strongly recommend it for your recommended daily allowance of fartsy...and yes, it was home grown.


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