Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Diggin' The New Job

Here's a quiz for you:

If you have a $100k/year job, 25 years of seniority, and nobody really makes you work too hard, do you:

A. Lay low and ride it out until retirement and pension disbursement?
B. Bust your ass and set an example for the less experienced guys?
C. Threaten a coworker with a knife over foolishness?

C is the correct answer--welcome to my world. It gets better, though.

If you are Mangement and Mr. Stabby has
threatened a coworker with a knife, in front of witnesses, do you:

A. Have him arrested?
B. Have him fired immediately?
C. Start to fire him, but then relent and allow him to retire at the end of this week. Then, since Mr. Stabby has over 20 years of service, throw him a retirement party?

Again C is the correct answer.
I'm really not sure what to write in his retirement card. Maybe: I'll miss you, Mr Stabby. Especially, when I find the extra weight of my spleen cumbersome. Well, at least I know what music to play at the party:



27 Comments:

At 9:26 PM, Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

See, that's what happens when you live in Baltimore.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

I'm officially intrigued. You gotta tell the whole story.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Sometimes you gotta stab a muthafucka to set 'um straight.

 
At 10:30 PM, Blogger ADW said...

Or....
D. You have Mr. Stabby and the coworker fight to the death in a ring of fire

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

I wholeheartedly agree with adw; plus a new policy that if they DON'T fight to the death, management will kill them both.

This effective use of violence would help solve so many workforce reduction quandries.

***

Humorous possible epilogue: the week after he retires, the same threatened coworker is strangled after getting his tie caught in a machine. Everyone soon realizes that, had it happened the PREVIOUS week, Stabby would've been there with his trusty knife to cut the tie and save him.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

So you're saying that as management, I shouldn't have fired Ms Sticky Fingers yesterday, but instead should have showered her with flowers and cards for "Professional Assistants" day today and let her resign instead?

You're so smart. I can learn so much from you.

 
At 10:55 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

Oooh, I gotta know, was it the Boy Scout, or the Crazy Guy? I miss your stories.

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

What's the big deal? With a name like Mr. Stabby, you shouldn't be surprised that he'd pull a knife on somebody.

Now if his name was Mr. Involuntary Splenectomy, I'd be more concerned.

 
At 4:47 AM, Blogger tfg said...

kadonka-Yes, but the crack makes it all worthwhile.

rogue-I can't give away all my secrets, can I?

KN, MD: So long as the terminee doesn't bring a gun when he comes back.

adw: A cage match was my original suggestion.

puerileuwaite- They've got a contract, so having management kill them is out. Besides, they're fairly adept at killing themselves, per the safety record.

broadsheet-I hear you. These are the type of things that make not want to be part of Management.

kalleigh-It was an hourly guy.

dyck-It's his gun collection that actually concerns me. There's nothing more dangerous than someone with nothing left to lose.

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger a.g. said...

pls send mr. stabby over to my current workplace. i have a few peeps that need to meet this guy. ;)

 
At 9:26 AM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

Sounds like the new gig is totally gelling with you!

Were you prepped to step up the role as Mr. Jr. Stabby?

ps - TECHNICALLY, you don't need your spleen...in your new Mr. Jr. Stabby role, you should aim for the liver. Or pancreas.

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

The threatened coworker IS suing right?

I mean, that's the kind of stuff that gets you kicked off Big Brother.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Iffin you can get Ella to sing at the party THAT would make a story.
What's a itsy bitsy knife fight between workers.

STAB

 
At 12:08 PM, Anonymous lori said...

I once had security detain a very angry person upset over a certain bankruptcy proceeding involving vast amounts of lost shares of Worldcom stock. He was stabby---VERY stabby. But, in that case, I would be, too.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

White people is crazy

 
At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

I worked with a Mr. Stabby once, only he didn't use a knife...or have any distinguishable sexual preference.

Good times.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

No f&^%ing way!! Um, human resorces? Personnel? Anyone? Bueller?

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I want to hear the whole story, too. I worked with a Ms. Stabby in a government office once. Even though she was leaving nicely typed death threats on everybody's keyboards, it still took six months of civil service BS to get rid of her. The day they canned her, they actually kept us in lockdown somewhere else b/c they were afraid she'd try to take one of us out. I will never work for the government again. LOL.

 
At 5:53 PM, Blogger Neckbone said...

You just have to love the courage demonstrated by HR people everywhere.

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger karla said...

For his retirement gift, the company should give him an engraved carving knife.

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger Kira said...

oy vey.
perhaps a penknife as a parting gift, not a good idea.

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger eliot stein said...

This website is a disgusting display of profanity and sexual perversion.

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Corn Dog said...

Eliot, this is not a website. THis is a blog. We were discussing violence, not profanity or perversion. If you want profanity, you have to go to my blog. Hate to toot my own horn here, but whatever.

We had a Mr. Bic Lighter over here at the West Oakland Post Office. He burned the thing from the inside. I think he had to retire too.

We had a Mr. Penis where I worked one time. He xeroxed his penis and put it on this woman's desk because he thought that she had cut out a post it note T shirt and covered his playboy bunny calendar's hooters. I had actually placed the post it note tactfully over the over exposed. Anyway...HR had a witch hunt looking for Mr. Penis, matching the xerox to the actual penis. Yeppers. If you can imagine. I did not 'fess up as to the placement of the post it note T shirt nor did I ever use the xerox again there.

Hey Eliot, maybe you can go to my blog for perversion too.

 
At 7:45 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

Next time, stab them with a spoon...it will hurt more...

 
At 8:29 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Mr. Stabby probably has Mr. Stumpy issues as well.....

 
At 8:31 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Nothting like a good stabbing to make your work day complete! Ah, the legal complications of being threatened at work!

I once had a client who screamed at the prosecutor during a trial "Bitch, I'll cut you just to watch you bleed!" It didn't help that he was being accused of stabbing a hooker.

Oh, and Eliot, you know you love it.

 
At 8:50 AM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

Eliot Stein-your avatar is a result of profanity and sexual perversion- seriously-it is- because WHAT THE HELL IS IT????

 

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