Sunday, April 22, 2007


For years, I did what they said couldn't be done. Much like Thomas Edison or the Wright brothers, I ignored the naysayers and persevered. No, I didn't discover electricity or flight. I didn't something infinitely more difficult. I had intimate relations with live, attractive, human females on a twin sized bed. Moreover, the degree of difficulty of this feat was magnified by the fact that I had Winnie the Pooh sheets on said bed. Although, my inherent charm made the impossible possible, it wasn't accomplished easily and definitely not quietly. I can't tell how you how many times I had to hear, "Aren't you too old for a little bed?!?" or "Oh my God, tell me we didn't just make love on Tigger."

Well, I am happy to say that those days are over. Yes, I've given up intimate relations with women and will only consider ostriches from here on. Yes, I've stepped into the world of adulthood and purchased a real bed. In fact, it's a queen sized Simmons Wordclass BeautyRest Pure Awakening Softtop. If you aren't impressed by all of that; good--you shouldn't be. What I discovered in my research is that much of the mattress industry is utter bullshit. While parameters like coil count and turns per coil should be accounted for, much of the information provided by mattress manufacturers is deceptive. For instance, I tried to comparison shop models from store to store. No dice--Sealy, Serta, Simmons and the other manufacturers change the model names to prevent this very thing. Thus, you can only find a Simmons Pure Awakening at a particular store. At another retailer, the exact same mattress set is called the Simmons Orgasmic Slumber, Simmons Divine Dutch Oven or some such silliness.

I am one of the most frugal people you will never meet. I make a decent living, but still drive a '93 Camry, for Christ's sake. Thus, once I got the idea that all of the bedding retailers of the world were out to screw me, I dropped any pretense of politeness, as demonstrated by this conversation I had in Sears:

Me: So, if I wanted this bed, I can buy it from your website, too. Right?
Salesman: It's much better if you buy it here. We make sure that the order goes out correctly.
Me: And you'd lose your commission, too, I expect.
Salesman (grinning sheepishly): Well, yes, there's that, too.
Me: That sounds like 20% off, to me.
Salesman (no longer grinning): But the bed is already marked down 40% from the regular price.
Me: Yes, but you never sell at that price, so it's not really the "regular" price, now, is it?
Salesman: OK, I might be able to give you a discount if you buy tonight.
Me: Tonight? That just sounded like a free frame and delivery.

Variations of this conversation were held all over the metropolitan Baltimore region. Finally, though, a decision was made, a grand was spent, and after 34 years I finally joined the fraternity of mature adult males. To wit:


At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're not gonna get laid with those sheets.

At 8:46 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I'm sorry, it took me a moment to quit laughing at the image of the little bitty bed with Tigger sheets. Now I can comment coherently. Well, I thought I could. Now I'm snorting over the Betty Boop sheets. I'm afraid Anonymous is right. Ain't gonna happen, mainly because the ladies are going to want those sheets for themselves.:)

At 10:07 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

1. Coils, shmoils. Spend another grand and go for the foam mattress - Tempurpedic. Changed my life. Not more sex, but WAY better sleep.

2. Those sheets? WOW - she REALLY likes you.

3. The filet was awesome.

At 11:54 PM, Blogger a.g. said...

anon- I think tfg has proven that he can get laid with or without cartoon sheets/big boy bed. tfg must pass on this knowledge to m.snay, yo.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I used to sleep on one of them air mattresses. One time it leaked and flooded my downstairs neighbor's apartment.....with air. They had to move out for two weeks while their unit was vacuumed out. This joke makes no sense, but I was hoping if I kept typing, something funny would emerge. So much for that idea.

At 5:21 AM, Blogger tfg said...

anon-Actually, the bed and sheets have been christened.

serena-Wait until I get the Star Trek sheets. The women will be powerless to resist me then, no?

broadsheet-I looked at foam mattresses and pneumatic mattresses, but decided I didn't want to get too novel.

ag-Thanks. Do we know if M. Snay has any Betty Boop sheets?

dyck-No worries, I'll fix it:
I used to sleep on one of them air mattresses, but I filled it up the "hard" way with methane. One time, my inflatable doll discharged a static arc. The spark ignited the methane and I had to wait for two weeks before any of my hair would start to grow back.

At 7:18 AM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Well, I know I've never been able to resist Star Trek sheets, especially when there are Spock pillowcases.

At 7:38 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Pillow talk, yeah.
Me just leaves me sheets on the bed and every six weeks or so they be good and stiff, me just covers them up with new sheets. I started out with a twin but now me is approaching King Size.

At 7:57 AM, Blogger a.g. said...

beats me, G but he needs to get some ASAP i'm guessing.

At 9:09 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Tigger was a little childish, but the Boop shows that you have matured in taste.

I actually find the sheets quite sexy to tell you the truth and have no trouble at all believing that the bed has been broken in. Also, I think that you need two sets of sheets, one Boop and the other? Scooby Doo, Fraggle Rock, Jabberjaws, GummiBears....?? No - I have it!!! Jem and the Holograms - Truly Outrageous...

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

Hmm, I think you'd get more sex if you had stayed with Tigger vs. going to Betty Boop. I'm sure Tigger comes in Queen size. That sounded dirty somehow...Had a little trouble getting past your "dutch oven" comment since my husband regularly tortures me this way. Enjoy your new bed!

At 6:40 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 6:46 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

You could've done a ore thorough job of research during the evaluation process, if you:

1) Insisted that the salesperson lay on the mattress with you, in order to accurately simulate actual usage and sleeping patterns. Of course mentioning the whole time that you're a "spooner";

2) Asked if they had a canopy option that would support a rope chair;

3) Mentioned that the competition offers replaceable charcoal filtration top layers for more efficient "disposal of waste and other organic matter";

4) Inquired if the coil spring at the center was accessible from the top via a moisure-proof, heated "pouch";

5) Queried if there was an "hidden magazine rack and accessories" option;

6) Badgered him/her about throwing in a set of rubberized sheets that conveniently rotate around the mattress for effortless cleaning;

7) Wondered aloud if any of the mattresses had velcro restraints at the corners;

8) Suggested a digital readout option that monitors heartrate, number of "reps", calories burned, and keeps a log of personal bests;

Geez. And you call yourself an Engineer. Turn in your pocket-protector, young man.

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Strumpet said...


You have boxers with Cinderella on them...

You have sheets with Betty Boop on them...

...AND you're getting laid atop said sheets.

You must have a HUGE dick.

Next stop...headboard.

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

I think you'll have better luck with Winnie the Pooh. Perhaps even Little Mermaid sheets (it's the shells).

We need to buy a new bed as well. Yes, it's definitely a freakin' scam.

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

Based on Serena's first post, you could offer a two-for-one deal.

Any woman who sleeps with you gets to keep the sheets at no additional charge.

Oh wait, that would imply they are paying YOU for sex rather than the other way around.

Forget it...sorry.

At 1:49 PM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

I keep waiting to see your name on this site, and I have a feeling it'll be any day now.

At 9:15 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

I would not even begin to think about where to get sheets like those; never even seen something like that for sale, but it doesmake the bed look like it has a nice fluffly cotton candy sort of feel.............

At 9:33 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

I'd sleep on those, especially on a pillow top mattress, very comfy!

At 12:13 AM, Blogger tfg said...

sj-That sounds logical.

geisha-So long as they aren't Battlestar Galactica sheets, he'll be fine.

scary-6 weeks. I'm a little OCD about sheets and change them weekly.

adw-As it turns out, it is incredibly difficult to find childish sheets that are queen sized.

katherine-Actually, with the lights out, the sheets become 10,000 thread count egyptian silk. My point is that sheets don't really matter.

puerileuwaite-Actually, I did ask some poor indian salesman whether the mattress was chocolate syrup-proof.

strumpet-Actually, I do have a HUGE one. I keep it in a drawer next to the Bible.

hanmee-A retail-savvy friend clued me in that everything is negotiable in bedding. That went a long way in not getting ripped-off.

rogue-Actually, I give away complimentary t-shirts to every visitor. The shirts say, "The meaning of life is in TFG's trousers."

ACW-Silly man--younger is rarely better with respect to dating.

gucci-Target had them on clearance.

tk- I couldn't do the pillowtop because I injured my neck in an industrial mishap several years ago. We'll have to stick to the dining room table, instead.

At 12:47 AM, Blogger Strumpet said...

Is it pink?

Cos if it matches the sheets...that's fuckin' hot.

At 8:59 PM, Blogger Kira said...

a grand? cheese and rice.
you know, frugal guy, there is ikea.

At 11:00 PM, Blogger Cham said...

To bad I am off the market, I could have helped you break that baby in, coil count and all.


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