Nesting

For years, I did what they said couldn't be done. Much like Thomas Edison or the Wright brothers, I ignored the naysayers and persevered. No, I didn't discover electricity or flight. I didn't something infinitely more difficult. I had intimate relations with live, attractive, human females on a twin sized bed. Moreover, the degree of difficulty of this feat was magnified by the fact that I had Winnie the Pooh sheets on said bed. Although, my inherent charm made the impossible possible, it wasn't accomplished easily and definitely not quietly. I can't tell how you how many times I had to hear, "Aren't you too old for a little bed?!?" or "Oh my God, tell me we didn't just make love on Tigger."

Well, I am happy to say that those days are over. Yes, I've given up intimate relations with women and will only consider ostriches from here on. Yes, I've stepped into the world of adulthood and purchased a real bed. In fact, it's a queen sized Simmons Wordclass BeautyRest Pure Awakening Softtop. If you aren't impressed by all of that; good--you shouldn't be. What I discovered in my research is that much of the mattress industry is utter bullshit. While parameters like coil count and turns per coil should be accounted for, much of the information provided by mattress manufacturers is deceptive. For instance, I tried to comparison shop models from store to store. No dice--Sealy, Serta, Simmons and the other manufacturers change the model names to prevent this very thing. Thus, you can only find a Simmons Pure Awakening at a particular store. At another retailer, the exact same mattress set is called the Simmons Orgasmic Slumber, Simmons Divine Dutch Oven or some such silliness.

I am one of the most frugal people you will never meet. I make a decent living, but still drive a '93 Camry, for Christ's sake. Thus, once I got the idea that all of the bedding retailers of the world were out to screw me, I dropped any pretense of politeness, as demonstrated by this conversation I had in Sears:

Me: So, if I wanted this bed, I can buy it from your website, too. Right?
Salesman: It's much better if you buy it here. We make sure that the order goes out correctly.
Me: And you'd lose your commission, too, I expect.
Salesman (grinning sheepishly): Well, yes, there's that, too.
Me: That sounds like 20% off, to me.
Salesman (no longer grinning): But the bed is already marked down 40% from the regular price.
Me: Yes, but you never sell at that price, so it's not really the "regular" price, now, is it?
Salesman: OK, I might be able to give you a discount if you buy tonight.
Me: Tonight? That just sounded like a free frame and delivery.

Variations of this conversation were held all over the metropolitan Baltimore region. Finally, though, a decision was made, a grand was spent, and after 34 years I finally joined the fraternity of mature adult males. To wit: