Baltimore Driver's Guide (1/2)

One of the things that I miss about the Midwest, aside from sluggish sheep, is bumper stickers. Although I find bumper stickers tacky, they provided invaluable insight for predicting driving habits. In Maryland, I found that bumper stickers are rare, which initially hindered my ability to instantly categorize my fellow motorists. However, after a year of driving in Baltimore, I've learned that there are subtle visual clues which can be elucidated. Consequently, I have assembled a list of the types of drivers that I frequently encounter and their typical driving behaviors.

Mobile Nursing Homes

The primary difference between elderly drivers and drunk drivers is that elderly drivers vote, which hampers any legislative effort aimed at restricting their ability to obtain operator's licenses. When a Maryland citizen reaches retirement age, they are state-issued a lifetime supply of Metamucil and a Buick. Although most makes of Buick feature powerful V6 or V8 engines, you will rarely see one exceed 50 mph, regardless of the posted speed limit. This is due to the fact that Buick drivers are normally preoccupied with considerations like: "Where am I?," "Why aren't I wearing pants?," and "Why does it smell like poop in here, again?"

The left lane is very popular with the elderly since Maryland makes no attempt to enforce any type of passing lane restriction. Apparently, these drivers feel it is their duty enforce the speed limit, without consideration of the danger that the subsequent backup creates. The only known way to cause them to accelerate is to attempt to pass them on the right or to tell them that the Wehrmacht is invading the bingo hall.

H1B Visa Express

As a result of a shift in focus in national immigration policy, all new immigrants are provided with an American's job and a 4 cylinder vehicle. The Maryland MVA will gladly exchange the immigrant's driver's license, from their country of origin, for a Maryland Operator's permit, without regard to the fact that the original license was for oxen or rickshaw operation. Immigrants tend to gravitate towards vehicles that are on the low end of the scale: Ford Aspires, Toyota Tercels, Chevy Cobalts, Kias and Hyundais are typical. In traffic, foreign drivers are easily detected by the fact that they usually driving at 1/2 of the speed limit and have a look of utter terror on their faces. Fortunately, these drivers rarely venture into the left lane but they do like to engage in erratic lane changes and random braking patterns. Honking or tailgating only compounds the problem, causing more fear and, consequently, more deceleration. An important subgroup of this category is the Asian Immigrant Driver. Biochemists have actually isolated the Asian Bad Driving Gene, which diverts driving skill into mathematical aptitude or carryout restaurant management savvy. The redeeming quality of these drivers is that it is statistically proven that fatalities rarely occur at 0.7 mph.

Peace Train

Yet another benefit of living in Maryland, the Democratic utopia, is the liberal activist. They commonly drive aging Subaru outbacks, Volvos or other imports and are easily identified by the myriad of political stickers on the rear of their vehicles. These drivers will inevitably be found in the left lane driving at exactly 5 mph below the speed limit. This can be attributed to the fact that these drivers know that the rest of us aren't as environmentally conscious as we should be. They correctly assume that we are blissfully unaware of recent Greenpeace research that suggests that the extra 0.4 nanograms of CO₂ that are produced by driving at 65 mph, instead of 50 mph, are predicted to cause the total extinction of the Serengheti Striped Pissant within the next 800 years. Thus, they will fiercely resist any attempt at being passed because, after all, everyday is Earth Day. One successful strategy for passing is to quickly turn all exterior lights on and off. The resulting psychedelia will induce brown acid flashbacks, which will cause them to pull over and await the arrival of Jerry's ghost.

Barbie Goes to College w/ Makeup, Cellphone and Valtrex Accessories

In Maryland, the Volkswagen is the preferred vehicle of the campus sorostitute. The interior of these vehicles are normally very busy places, with vehicle operation not ranking highly on the priority list. It's not that these drivers are intentionally being dangerous, it's just that they are unaware that they are operating a vehicle. Unpredictable vehicle operation results from the difficulty imposed by simultaneously making tanning salon appointments, applying makeup, reading Cosmo, scheduling pregnancy tests, and complaining about that bitch sorority sister who keeps stealing boyfriends with her new boobs. Speeds will vary from ±15 mph of the posted speed limit and often include drifting into other lanes. These drivers can be found in any lane, but are most dangerous when they are behind you. In the event of a rear end collision, try to remain calm when you hear things like, "Oh, gee. Sorry about your car. Do you think this swelling makes my butt look big?" and "How long is this going to take? Because wrecking is just like, you know, sooooo totally boring." Also, be sure to get their daddy's name, address, and insurance carrier because that is invariably who you will be dealing with.

This post is in two parts. Part 2 will follow in the near future.