Coming Out Party

I am constantly amazed at how open-minded the American public has become. On TV, we have Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and Will and Grace. Celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres, Elton John, and Rosie O'Donnell have openly admitted their homosexuality. Some states even recognize the civil union, which is the homosexual equivalent of marriage. Now, we have a popular film that explores the relationship of two gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain. It would appear that this country has accepted, if not embraced, alternative lifestyles at an unprecedented level. I must admit that this crescendo of public focus on the homosexual culture has caused some deep stirrings inside of me. I feel that there is something deeply personal that I need to share with all of you: I am a lesbian.

I must confess that I have suspected that I was a lesbian for a long time. Most of the telltale signs have been present all along. For one, I can't remember the last time I wore something "girly" like high heels or a skirt. Instead, my typical outfit consists of standard lesbian garb; either slacks and a button down shirt or jeans and a t-shirt. Secondly, I have always opted for short hairstyles and I even insist on going to a barber instead of a beauty salon. Moreover, I don't find the spectacle of naked women kissing repugnant, in any way. In fact, all of my prior romantic relationships have been with females. If you sum that with the fact that I know how to arc weld and change my own oil, it just doesn't get much more butch than that. (With the possible exception of the LPGA.)

Now that I have come out of the closet, I am determined to do what is necessary to further the lesbian cause. For instance, a recent survey by the CDC found that bisexual experimentation by women (18-44), is at an all-time high. We all know that these initial experiences when discovering one's sexual identity can be traumatic. As a veteran lesbian, I feel compelled to reach out and offer my guidance and nurturing to these women. I will be able to provide a stabilizing force for the psychological rollercoaster that they are on. Together, we will revel in the emotional peaks and rub out the valleys of depression.

Now, you might be thinking, "Hold on there, Assclown B. Toklas. Don't you need to be female to be a lesbian?" This is precisely the narrow-minded, homophobic discrimination that my lesbian sisters and I are determined to stamp out. In fact, earlier this week, New York City Councilwoman Margarita Lopez designated Mayor Michael Bloombeg "an honorary lesbian," for his contributions to local gay and lesbian community. Clearly, our culture is progressing to the point where gender roles are no longer applicable . Thus, I will continue to keep my nose to the figurative grindstone and I encourage all females to join me in celebrating our Lesbian Pride.