Sunday, January 22, 2006

Christ, They've Crapped In My Corn Flakes

I am a simple man. I don't ask for much from my breakfast cereal. When I open a box of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, all that I am expecting is corn flakes that have been frosted. Sure, I don't mind the occasional bonus toy, but I don't consider its absence a dealbreaker. Normally, I pay little mind to these toys. They get tossed in a junk drawer, never to be seen again. Unless, of course, they bear a striking resemblance to beaked, beady eyed, bobbleheaded, pantsless, pieces of excrement. That changes everything.

As a shareholder, I wonder how many Kellogg's MBAs, at $90k/year, it required to hatch this masterstroke of marketing genius. I'll bet the marketing strategy meeting went like this:

MBA1: "You know, our Frosted Flakes product is not aligned with our new Value-Adding Constraint Maximization Paradigm Shift."
MBA2: "I agree. Do you think that we should add a plastic turd?"
MBA1: "Precisely. But give it a beak and beady eyes, because demographics have shown that our customers want their plastic turds to have personality."

Someday, maybe I'll bask in the enlightenment that a MBA degree provides. Until then, I will have to have to settle for the mystification that is symptomatic of being an undereducated clod. If nothing else, at least I have gained a clearer understanding on how this happened:


At 2:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

no, man. that's not the worst part. the worst part is that it's legal for them to have a certain amount of insect parts and other detritus in there. it's like x amount of parts per pound or something. i'm not making this up.

At 10:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This must be an industry-wide movement (pardon the pun): Just the other day I discovered that someone had peed in my Wheaties.

Is there a focus group for this sort of thing?


At 11:13 PM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Poop in cereal! Woot.

At 12:04 AM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

Hey anonymous -- you ARE making that shit up, aren't you. Cap'n Crunch is sending someone over to your house to make sure you're making it up.

You own Kellogg's stock? Brilliant man. For some reason that's just fucking brilliant. Not because of the staff, apparently, but because you are like... you like own Tony the tiger and stuff. Even though he's dead now.

But still, you could totally bum rush him and say "Do my dishes, you furry bitch! I pwn y0u!!!"

If he wasn't taking a dirt nap, of course.

But still.

At 5:38 AM, Blogger tfg said...

Tony is dead? Say it aint so. Maybe that's why their stock hasn't done dick for an entire year.

At 9:15 PM, Blogger John said...

goddamit you're a funny dude.


Post a Comment

<< Home