Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Party In My Pants

This morning there was somewhat of a crisis at the TFG household. As I was getting dressed for work, I realized that I had no clean boxers.There was no time to wash and dry a load of laundry, but luckily I remembered that I had an unopened package of boxers in my closet. I donned a pair with little cars on them, finished dressing, and left for work.

Traffic was fairly heavy which demanded my undivided attention. Somewhere on 83 between Padonia Road and 695, I was dimly aware that my right leg was itching. During the winter, I get dry skin and sometimes it can get itchy right after a shower, so I paid it no mind. As I continued driving on 695 towards 95S, I realized that the itching in my right leg had become more pronounced. I assumed that I'd missed an "Inspected by 681" sticker, in my new drawers, and that I would remove the offending article at work. I drove on. By the time I get to 95/895 split, both legs are itching profusely and I'm getting a burning sensation from my butt. And I don't mean that happy kind of butt burning sensation. At this point, I'm getting fairly alarmed, but there isn't a good place on 895 to stop and investigate trouser-based emergencies, so I accelerated my pace towards work.

When I got to the office, the itching had become so severe that I was fantasizing about Brillo pads and sulfuric acid baths. There is only one bathroom in the building which can provide the privacy required for the detailed inspection that I was planning to conduct. Of course, it was occupied by our resident Serial Shitter, who spends the majority of his workday in this bathroom. I called the receptionist on my cell phone and had him paged on the PA system, thinking that might smoke him out. Nothing doing, the man is devoted. Defeated, I went to my office while wondering just what the hell was going on in my pants. I had already deduced that it had to do with the new boxers, but I was unsure if any permanent damage had occurred to my favorite appendage and the dynamic duo.

There aren't many things I can do at work to get terminated, but getting caught without pants in my office is probably one of them. My office is in a high traffic area, so I estimated the odds of being able to de-shoe, de-pants, de-boxer, re-pants, re-shoe, and tuck my shirt without interruption as being too small to risk. So I shut the door, snatched a pair of scissors, unzipped my fly, and made two strategic cuts in the boxers. This allowed me to extract them via the fly and stuff them in a desk drawer. To my relief, the itching began to ease. I waited 15 minutes and went to the restroom to see what was what. Upon inspection, the parts of my leg that were in contact with the boxers were beet red with small welts. You'll be relieved to know that Excalibur and the Orbs of Opulence escaped unscathed.

The only thing that I can figure is that I had an allergic reaction to a chemical that the boxers were treated with on the manufacturer's line. Either that, or the boxers got contaminated with some type of glass fiber in the packaging process. Regardless, the remaining new boxers were discarded and I think that tomorrow is going to be a commando kind of day.


At 10:10 AM, Blogger Cham said...

In the northern province of Gansu in a remote textile factory near Huahai, a man called Xinghu has conspired with his cousin who works in the itching powder factory across the street. Both men are laughing their ass off.

At 10:55 AM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Maybe you just got the new S&M brand bowxer shorts.

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Scott said...

Everything here is gold. I moved you up my list of linked blogs. Don't get crazy - we're not going steady or anything - it's not like we're going to have our own little Broke Back Mountain - so lets tone it down.

Warning Track - you need a pair of boxers that is *always* the last ones you wear. If you pull them out Monday you know it is time to do some laundry. Those boxers are like the baseball warning track and keep you safe and give you that "so fresh feeling" all week long.

At 4:27 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

I have a reminder pair as such, but they're plum smugglers -- that way I'm forced (by itchy pube contact and that dreadful compressed junk feeling) to remember how important it is to wash up my real underwear for the following day. Forcing yourself to walk around like a European all day is punishment enough for getting piss drunk by noon on a Sunday.
Can't say I've ever gotten hives from a new pair of skivvies, but then again, who knows what those Chinese are using for prestarch thesedays -- soylent green being people as it is.

At 4:48 PM, Blogger Stephaine said...

The Orbs of Opulence.LOL

At 6:57 PM, Blogger tfg said...

I tried to contact the manufacturer today, but, like Cham said, they are in China or Mexico. It would be nice to know if there is some chemical out there that I'm deathly allergic to.

Scott - Thanks. I think GPPMO, Shop Dungarees, and 15 Minute Lunch are all hilarious.

At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As my father used to say, "It feels good out. I think I'll leave it out."


At 12:34 PM, Blogger Tigerlily said...


Excalibur and the Orbs of Opulence.

Holy shit that's funny


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