Party In My Pants

This morning there was somewhat of a crisis at the TFG household. As I was getting dressed for work, I realized that I had no clean boxers.There was no time to wash and dry a load of laundry, but luckily I remembered that I had an unopened package of boxers in my closet. I donned a pair with little cars on them, finished dressing, and left for work.

Traffic was fairly heavy which demanded my undivided attention. Somewhere on 83 between Padonia Road and 695, I was dimly aware that my right leg was itching. During the winter, I get dry skin and sometimes it can get itchy right after a shower, so I paid it no mind. As I continued driving on 695 towards 95S, I realized that the itching in my right leg had become more pronounced. I assumed that I'd missed an "Inspected by 681" sticker, in my new drawers, and that I would remove the offending article at work. I drove on. By the time I get to 95/895 split, both legs are itching profusely and I'm getting a burning sensation from my butt. And I don't mean that happy kind of butt burning sensation. At this point, I'm getting fairly alarmed, but there isn't a good place on 895 to stop and investigate trouser-based emergencies, so I accelerated my pace towards work.

When I got to the office, the itching had become so severe that I was fantasizing about Brillo pads and sulfuric acid baths. There is only one bathroom in the building which can provide the privacy required for the detailed inspection that I was planning to conduct. Of course, it was occupied by our resident Serial Shitter, who spends the majority of his workday in this bathroom. I called the receptionist on my cell phone and had him paged on the PA system, thinking that might smoke him out. Nothing doing, the man is devoted. Defeated, I went to my office while wondering just what the hell was going on in my pants. I had already deduced that it had to do with the new boxers, but I was unsure if any permanent damage had occurred to my favorite appendage and the dynamic duo.

There aren't many things I can do at work to get terminated, but getting caught without pants in my office is probably one of them. My office is in a high traffic area, so I estimated the odds of being able to de-shoe, de-pants, de-boxer, re-pants, re-shoe, and tuck my shirt without interruption as being too small to risk. So I shut the door, snatched a pair of scissors, unzipped my fly, and made two strategic cuts in the boxers. This allowed me to extract them via the fly and stuff them in a desk drawer. To my relief, the itching began to ease. I waited 15 minutes and went to the restroom to see what was what. Upon inspection, the parts of my leg that were in contact with the boxers were beet red with small welts. You'll be relieved to know that Excalibur and the Orbs of Opulence escaped unscathed.

The only thing that I can figure is that I had an allergic reaction to a chemical that the boxers were treated with on the manufacturer's line. Either that, or the boxers got contaminated with some type of glass fiber in the packaging process. Regardless, the remaining new boxers were discarded and I think that tomorrow is going to be a commando kind of day.