Helpful Driving Hints.

Open letter to Baltimore metro morning commuters.

As you may or may not have noticed, there is a fiery, yellow orb in the sky that can usually be found during daylight hours. It's a little something that I like to call the Sun. Here's how it works: Every morning it rises in the east. There are no exceptions to this and haven't been for the length of human history. It's just like herpes; it comes, it goes, but you can't get rid of it. Thus, nobody will fault you for taking precautions against its anticipated return tomorrow. So, if you drive in a eastbound direction of 695, shortly after sunrise (7-8 AM), bring a fucking pair of sunglasses with you. I have included a diagram to demonstrate why this is necessary. Distribute it feely to your Living With Lobotomies support group:

As you can see,there is an angular sector in which the sun's rays can pass below the sun visor and obscure your vision. Your sun visor is solar powered (hence the name sun visor) and requires at least an hour of direct sunlight to charge before it will work its magic. It is during this warm up period that you need to be wearing your sunglasses. This will prevent you from becoming utterly incapacitated en masse and stopping traffic. You see, when you are performing your mechanized tribute to Helen Keller at 4 mph, you are causing the people behind you to wreck. More importantly, though, you are causing me to spend an hour traversing the 10 mile stretch of 695 E from 83 S to 95 S, which I'm sure you'll agree is absolutely unacceptable. So carry your simple ass down to Walmart, Target, or wherever the hell that you suspect sunglasses might be sold and invest in a pair. Happy motoring.