Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Breakfast of Champions

I've noticed that many bloggers have resolved to lose weight in 2006. I commend their decisions to take action and change their lives for the better. Dieting is never an easy proposition, it requires one to change behaviors that have been ingrained over the course of years. Willpower and constant diligence are required to maintain the discipline that will allow long-term dieting success.

It is estimated that 70% of dieters relapse, regaining the weight that was lost through eating moderation. That is why it is imperative for dieters to realize that there is nothing shameful about seeking assistance in their struggle. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and Nutrisystem are all professional organizations that can help. Other services, such as the YMCA or a personal trainer can also be invaluable in establishing a pattern of fitness. But, there is one dietary resource that stands out in its proven ability to maintain significant weight loss. A resource called cocaine.

There are no convoluted food-intake tracking tabulations to worry about with cocaine. Nor will you waste valuable time scrutinizing nutritional data in grocery store aisles. If you've got a nose, you've got a calorie management program. You'll never worry about whether you're eating too close to bedtime. Or even bedtime. Or even eating. Relapses will be a thing of the past because cocaine is the weight loss program that is self-motivating. From the moment you wake up, your only thoughts will be about immediately resuming your diet. Plus, the exercise provided from carrying your kid's toys to the pawn shop will help keep those pounds off for good. Without a doubt, cocaine puts the fun back in dieting.

Now, I'll bet that you are concerned about the social stigma that has been unjustly associated with cocaine. This is due to a few thoughtless, irresponsible users. It is not absolutely necessary to snort it from the midriffs of topless gogo girls. In fact, once you start using cocaine you'll be a member of an elite club that includes the company of supermodels, actors, and current presidents. Cocaine is not just for crackheads, anymore.

Maybe you're thinking, "Well, this cocaine stuff sounds pretty good. But won't I end up destitute, forced to sell various bodily fluids, in seedy inner city clinics, for fractions of their retail value?" Clearly, this possibility can't be ruled out, but, remember, bodily fluids have mass. Through the magic of a complex scientific phenomenon known as density, every cubic centimeter of donated fluid is a cubic centimeter of lost weight. I think that we can agree that this is a win-win scenario. Perhaps you're worried that you will have to turn to street-level prostitution to maintain your daily recommended cocaine intake. This is another urban legend unfairly associated with cocaine. Success in the field of street-level prostitution is not predicated solely on cocaine use. There are factors such as pricing, product quality, and advertising effectiveness that must also be mastered before this trade can be plied profitably.

In closing, I wish you the best of luck in your fitness endeavors for 2006. I strongly urge you to select the weight loss program that you feel is most appropriate. And when that fails, cocaine will be there for you.


At 10:15 AM, Anonymous fool said...

You always have the better ideas. Man, I am going to have to start consulting you before I making any drastic changes in my life. Cocaine! Why didn't I think of it before?! And, I got a ton of clients who can probably supply it to me for reduced prices.

At 11:11 AM, Anonymous E said...

Cocaine?!?! That's for those L.A. fuckers. We prefer the heroin diet 'round here.

At 12:33 PM, Blogger paige3girl said...

Marion Barry must be on that diet.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

I prefer caffeine pills. All of the pep, and over the counter too.

At 8:54 PM, Anonymous fool said...

ACW is taking the cop out legal way. Nerd.

At 11:18 PM, Blogger tfg said...

I must admit that The Marion Barry Diet has a certain ring to it. And since Fool can get volume pricing, we're going to have to stick to cocaine. Besides, heroin only leads to harder drugs.

At 6:30 AM, Blogger Cincy Diva said...

I want to volunteer for the infomercials!


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