Baltimore Driver's Guide (2/2)

Mom's Taxi

The minivan offers a paradox in behavioral forecasting because there are two distinct subgroups that may be operating it; the mommy subgroup and the daddy subgroup.

If it is driven by a female driver, you are assured that it will be doing considerably less than the speed limit and that the driver is oblivious to any occurrence external to the vehicle. This can be directly attributed to children that are present who require incessant entertainment, supervision, and breastfeeding. Oddly, the same behavior is also observed without children present due to cell phone use. Apparently, safety is expendable when compared with the need to communicate information such as: "You won't believe how smart little Reginald is getting. Just today, he got into the cupboard, found some matches, and set Mrs. Jenkin's head on fire. Isn't that just precious?" These drivers are perfectly aware that they are bad drivers, but being regarded as good mommies consistently outweighs these concerns.

If the minivan is driven by a male, the driving behavior is apt to very different. The male minivan pilot will usually be travelling at an unsustainably high rate of speed while weaving in and out of traffic. Aggressive tailgating, horn honking and angry gestures are the norm. To comprehend the reasons for this, a bi-leveled psychological model must be employed. On the superficial level, the male driver is attempting to compensate for the lack of manliness that is inherent in minivan operation. On a more subconcious level, the aggressive driving is the response to the cognitive dissonance created by the situation. (Cognitive dissonance is a convoluted way of saying that stress occurs when you realize that you have been blowing smoke up your own ass.) I imagine that the driver's thought pattern goes something like this: "If I go home I will have to spend another night hearing about how the Joneses are vacationing in Aruba, while we are only going to Busch Gardens. On the other hand, a fiery car wreck will result in weeks of opiated solitude in a hospital bed and maybe even death. Christ on a crutch, why won't this piece of shit do 125?"

The Lord's Tool

It comes as no suprise that the same mentality that thinks that God talks to Billy Graham and publicly wishes for the assasination of Juan Valdez (Jesus hates Colombian Dark Roast), has difficulty operating heavy equipment. Ironically, the driving patterns of the christian fundamentalist are nearly identical to those of the liberal activist: The left lane is monopolized at exactly the speed limit and none are allow to pass on the right. This stems from the fact that the speed limit is a Law (Jesus loves laws). And anything that promotes the regulation of others must be good. Another problem whith Christian drivers is that they never seem to know where they are going. Invariably, they will be so busy doing God's work in the left lane that their exit completely suprises them. God may be the co-pilot, but stupidity (Jesus thinks stupidity is the bomb) is the navigator .

Assclown At Large

The '93 Camry is the vehicle of choice for competent, alert, and extremely well-endowed drivers. You will typically find these drivers devoting their undivided attention to vehicle operation and traffic awareness. When you see this vehicle in your rearview mirror, you should yield the right of way immediately. While this car is passing, all female passengers in your vehicle should immediately remove their tops and undergarments while bouncing up and down in their seats.