I Should Have Been a Speech Writer

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, members of the Supreme Court and diplomatic corps, distinguished guests and fellow citizens:

Each time I am invited to this rostrum, I am humbled by the fact that I have to occupy 45 minutes with nothing but my own babbling about things I don't really understand. Smart people, the kind who know where Asia is, have written this speech, so bear with me when I come to the big words. In the past year, our nation has made unprecedented advances on the domestic, foreign, and economic fronts.

Internationally, we have accomplished a string of stunning victories in the War for Profit on Terror. We have suceeded in yet another year of Iraqi occupation, allowing us to funnel billions of tax dollars into the coffers of major campaign contributors like Haliburton, Lockheed Martin, and General Dynamics. Although we still havent found any WMD, we found their oil and that's what matters. We have also initiated the trial of Saddam Hussein and will punish him to the full extent of the law for his role in 9/11, Whitewater, and the Boston Massacre. Some critics have pointed out that we have killed an estimated 30,000 innocent Iraqi civilians, which is more than ten times the number killed on 9/11. I say that these critics are cowards who cannot fathom that Al Qaeda will never be completely defeated until we have pumped the last drop of oil from Iraqi soil. Only then can we say "Mission Accomplished." Aww, shit. I mean, only then can we say "We're Done, Who's Next?"

This administration has also had many victories here at home. Just yesterday, one of my employers, ExxonMobil declared another record breaking quarter, in a record breaking year. In fact, it was the largest profit ever recorded by a US corporation. Similar results are expected from Chevron and ConocoPhillips. This just demonstrates that concepts like oligopolic price manipulation and manufactured shortages are the cornerstones of the New Economy.

Our educational policies have also been paying handsome dividends. It is estimated that we now have the stupidest population in the history of this great nation. As it stands now, 90% of the US public will believe anything, so long as it comes out of their television. As a testament our successes in this field, I can state with certainty that the majority of our citizens are watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, as I speak. This ignorance is our greatest civic asset, but we must do more. Only when every red state republican has voted to give his job to a quasi-legal alien, will our work be done.

Energy is proving to be a growing concern for this nation. Quite franky, we are addicted to oil. (Gimme a high-five, Dick and Condi) Oil is the lifeblood of our economy, without it, well, we'd have no lifeblood in our economy. And our cars wouldn't go. Consequently, the investigation of alternative fuel sources is critical to future growth. Thus, I have empowered the Department of Energy to buy and deep-six any promising alternative energy patents that might emerge. Meanwhile, my friends at Chevron and ExxonMobil are going to ride this Peak Oil profit rocket to the moon.
Godamnit Dick, knock off the cartwheels, we're on TV here. I apologize for the Vice President, ladies and gentlemen, ever since he learned that the Saudis have been fibbing and don't really have any spare capacity left, he has been in a incessant state of giddiness.

Another matter that demands our full attention is the impending Social Security crisis. By the year 2032 all American citizens over the age of 65 will be forced to share one can of Alpo daily, unless my Social Security reforms are enacted. In 2005, we introduced our plan and it met with resistance in Congress and in public. This year, I will reintroduce the issue of privatizing Social Security because it is the only fair plan. Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch, and Goldman Sachs were some of the largest contributors to my presidential campaign. They certainly weren't contributing out of the goodness of their hearts. They've bought and paid for privatized Social Security, so it's only fair that we deliver. Only with privatized personal accounts, can we generate another stock market bubble, similar to the internet/401K bubble of the 1990s. Bubble economics are another cornerstone of the New Economy, as they mask the fact the fact that jobs and resources are leaving this country at an unmatched rate.

Also, we need to make American competitve again. I don't mean that we need have companies competing against each other because that hurts profits. That's why we have mega-mergers. What I mean is that we need to increase the level of competition that American worker faces. It is not sufficient that he must compete with a 12-year old factory worker in Honduras making 22 cents and hour. We must bring the Honduran 12-year olds here, as guest workers, so that our industries will never again be troubled with relocating their factories. The neo-conservative dream of restoring hourly wages to minimum wage levels can and will be achieved in this decade.

In closing, I have to say that I'm proud of this country and what we have accomplished. But we have much more to do. We owe it to the people to stay the course in our foreign and domestic agendas. My dream is that one day an American dad can say to his son, with a tear in his eye, "Son, go ask that Mexican if he needs his toilet cleaned. He looks like he has a job." Until then, thank you, God bless public stupidity and God bless my campaign contributors.