Thursday, January 26, 2006

Charity

At Fanfare from the Common Wombat, Wombat reveals that he will be participating in the 10th Annual Maryland State Police Polar Bear Plunge. In this event, participants don swimwear and run into the Chesapeake Bay, in the middle of winter, for the benefit of the MD Special Olympics. The Plunge takes place this Saturday at 2:00 (Jan. 28) at Sandy Point State Park. Undoubtedly, you will want to sponsor Wombat's hypothermic demise and can do so by clicking here.

After reading Wombat's post, I thought to myself: What do I for my community? Aside from the sporadic, yet copious, contributions that I provide to local reproductive clinics, I couldn't think of anything. Thus, I have decided that I need to give something back to my community. No, I won't be plunging into the icy Chesapeake Bay because that would be kind of totally fucking insane. Instead, I have compiled a list of activities that I can be sponsored to perform with all proceeds going to a personally handpicked charity.

Charitable Activities w/ Sponsorship Rate

Watch strippers $1/dance
Watch elderly strippers $2 /dance
Watch midget strippers $3/dance
Watch elderly midget strippers $4/dance
Babysit children $40/hour/child
Father children $250/attempt
Spank NFL Cheerleaders $5/swat
Spank NFL Players $7.50/swat
Spank John Madden $20/swat + cost of degreaser
Keep Keith Mills out of your house $50/repelled entry
Go to supermarket for you $15/visit + groceries
Go to work for you $30/hour + liability release
Go to proctologist for you $300/visit
Go to MD MVA for you $350/visit
Teach your children profanity $20/new word
Teach your grandparents profanity $40/new word
Track down embarassing photos of you on internet $50/picture
Put embarassing photos of you on internet $25/picture
Fix your computer $70/hour
Fix your cat $100/hour
Fix your inflatable party doll $150/hour
Take care of your plants $25/day
Take care of your marijuana plants $75/day
Teach your wife or GF to speak English $25/hour
Teach your wife or GF to speak German $45/hour
Teach your wife or GF to speak Greek $15/hour

As you can see, I am just as devoted as Wombat, with respect to charitable matters. So, open your hearts and checkbooks and help me help others.

7 Comments:

At 11:26 PM, Blogger elcapitanhink said...

$75 an hour to watch my babies? Its a deal.

But no skimming the buds man. I weigh the whole greenhouse (basement) twice a day.

And why would I pay you to teach my G/F to learn German? So she can yell "ARBEIT MACHT FREI! YAVOOL!" while stomping on my nuts? Cheaper just to fly to Reno every month.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger karla said...

You are as kind as you are multitalented. And you're the answer to my prayers, since I have 4 NFL cheerleaders at my house who have been consistently naughty for weeks now. They need spanking, and I desperately need help.

 
At 9:40 AM, Blogger Cham said...

I have some Darvasets in a box somewhere, some kind person I met in a bar gave them to me 15 years ago, after I suffered a back injury. I don't really know where they are but Mr. Mills looks diligent enough to unearth those treasures. I might have to take you up on that offer.

 
At 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been trying to teach my wife to speak greek forever. That was funny shit.

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger tfg said...

Sometimes greek is the most difficult language to teach. Being a cunning linguist is almost always helpful.

If you read the pdf of the police report on the Sun's site, you'll see that Keith Mills is one creepy bastard.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger TheIdleReceptionist said...

Heehhehehhehe....heheh...cunning linguist....hehehhheee....hehehe...

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger Arctic Skipper said...

Actually, I do have an inflatable party doll that could desperatly use your attention. We stole her from a friend's bachelor party last summer, and after a horrifying ordeal of being drug across the lake to the boat and spending the weekend in Joel's tent, she's rather limp. I'm sure I could scrounge $150 from the beer fund (aka Boyfriend's Daughter's College Fund.)

 

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