Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Only 26 Shopping Days Left

Although the holiday season is supposed to be a time for relaxation and benevolence towards our fellow man, it often turns out to be a relatively stressful time of the year for many people. As Christmas looms closer, many are overcome by a sense of urgency that becomes overwhelming. Thus, as a service to you, I have simplified one of your more significant holiday tasks: Deciding what to buy tfg for Christmas. Consequently, I have compiled a wishlist for your convenience.

The first item is a Manitowoc TMS700E crane, which combines 60 tons of lifting power with a top speed of 65 mph. The TMS700E would make my daily commute far more enjoyable, since I could merely relocate any offending assclowns that precede me. Also, this crane would accelerate drive-through restaurant orders and provides a novel means of administering wedgies to my friends and family.

Another "must have" on my wishlist is Boudreaux's Butt Paste. As it turns out, I am plagued with a birth defect that affects the aesthetics of my posterior. This defect is so predominant that it has actually caused my rear end to crack in half. Hopefully, this product possesses the necessary adhesive characteristics to mend the crack, allowing me to follow my dream of being an assless chaps model in the upscale leather boutique industry.

Have you ever gotten a bad haircut? If so, then you understand the predicament that I'm currently experiencing. I've looked into toupees, wigs, and have finally settled on hair extensions. With the appropriately matched extensions, I will be able to disguise the problem with a combover until my hair grows out. You are probably thinking "Don't do it, tfg. Combovers look idiotic." Although I understand this, I don't think I can tolerate the stares that I get from strangers when I'm out in public.

Surgically speaking, the doctor who fixed my hernia did an excellent job. However, you'd think that in all his years of medical schooling, they would have covered Crotch Shaving 101.

A gift like the EZE Band Castrator Kit Model T-1 would keep me busy for months. Initially, I'd start with Hanson, White Snake, Switchfoot, the Backstreet Boys, and any still living member of Lawrence Welk's orchestra. Obviously, I should add Paul Shaffer and his group to this list, but I'm certain that I've already been beaten to the snip.

When compared to those of other bloggers, I think my wishlist is relatively modest. So, don't wait until the last minute--order* these items today to ensure that we both have a safe and happy holiday.

* I'm speaking figuratively, of course. If any of this wacky shit shows up at my house/workplace, I will come visit you personally with the EZE Castrator Kit. Merry Christmas.


At 7:15 AM, Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Ha, that's funny! I've blogged about both the butt paste and the EZE castrator. I'm not sure that saying about "great minds thinking alike" fits too well in this instance, but I'll bet we could have some laughs over a beer.

At 8:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude man, no hatin' on the welk

At 7:49 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Too late. I already got you a chia pet, and I'm not taking it back.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger tfg said...

johnny virgil-I actually saw the EZE Castrator in a midwestern hardware stor last weekend, which is what gave me the idea.

j$-Damn Lawrence Welk and damn the bubbles, too.

dyck-Maybe I can use the chia pet seeds in place of the hair extensions.

At 4:49 PM, Blogger RevRee said...

Do they make Chia Pet, Penis'?

At 9:36 PM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

Don't you mean "I don't think I can tolerate the stares that I get from strangers when I'm out in PUBIC?". I recommend against putting the "double layer" there...even with all your recent crotch woes.

At 11:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, I read your post yesterday, and I was about to comment when along came my nephew. So dumb loving uncle decided to put his nephew in his lap, and the nephew went crazy pressing buttons on the keyboard. Somehow my nephew pressed some buttons and closed my browser. After that I didn't feel like opening a new one so here I am now.

I can get you the scale model crane. lOL Are you sure you just don't want to re-enact that scene in Terminator 3? LMAO

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Karla said...

I've actually bought some of that Butt Paste. It's supposed to be great for diaper rash, so we bought some for Jake. It's really good stuff. I assume it would work for you with your adult diapers, as well.

At 11:46 AM, Blogger Kira said...

hey, what about the coal?


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