Sunday, December 03, 2006

I Warned You Bastards

In my last post, I included the following disclaimer:

I'm speaking figuratively, of course. If any of this wacky shit shows up at my house/workplace, I will come visit you personally with the EZE Castrator Kit. Merry Christmas.

Of course, I thought that such a warning was an unnecessary precaution, since it should be readily apparent that I was joking about the contents of the post. However, after a year of blogging, I've learned that no precaution is too trivial, which was clearly demonstrated when I received this:


This is so wrong on many levels. First, as a childless, 34 year old man, I have little use for diaper rash ointment. Sure, I like to accessorize my wardrobe with Depends now and again, but it's not the type of day to day use that causes irritation. Moreover, if you inspect the photo closely, you'll notice that I wasn't even given a new tube of Butt Paste. It's disturbing enough that some of you would re-gift assbutter, but the fact that half of the tube has been consumed is truly troubling. The "icing on the cake" occurred when I went to exact my revenge. It turned out that the offender didn't even have the common decency to have the proper anatomical attributes to allow the effective use of the EZE Castrator Kit.

In conclusion, I am compelled to express my sincere disappointment in some your judgement or lack thereof. I am certain that I could rant about this for hours, but I really don't have the time, as I, apparently, have some shopping to do:

10 Comments:

At 11:23 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

As I see it, you can exact revenge in at least 2-ways.

1) Send a high-resolution picture of your butt-pasted posterior to the miscreant in the form of a Christmas Card. Employ a witty caption, such as: "Choosing to spend XMAS without a friend like you would be a rash decision.".

2) Sometimes "living well" is the best revenge. So why not use the butt paste as a calling card for picking up young mothers near public restrooms? Secretly videotape the encounters and email the results to your "benefactor".

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Um, if you're not going to use the butt paste, could you send it my way? I'm itchier than Karla after a night in Tijuana.

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Switch the butt paste with the prankster's toothpaste.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger Luck o' the Irish said...

I'm so glad you are considering "retaining your natural look" with les neuticles.

 
At 8:02 PM, Blogger tfg said...

puerilewaite-When the statute of limitations wears off, I'll post about a guy who successfully did something similiar to #2 for years.

ACW-That's mighty itchy, considering her spanish nickname is Ella funciona una locomotora grande.

dyck-You know, you might have mentioned that the two aren't interchangeable earlier.

loti-Actually, the Neuticles were to make up for the pranksters lack thereof. But I suppose you can't have too many.

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger Karla said...

I just got back from Tijuana, and I could really use what's left in that tube.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger verity said...

Hey, you orchestrated a candle tasting. So you get used butt paste. Comes with the territory of being a smart wiseass. ;)

 
At 11:43 AM, Blogger Charles said...

speechless

I like Mighty Dickerson's idea though.

Then again you could buy denture cream and put it in a tube of toothpaste.

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger Dr. Zombie said...

Remember - there are few things so rewarding as the time hoored xmas tradition of 're-gifting'.

I say save it for the office xmas luncheon. I'm sure the boss would LOVE some butt paste.

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger gumbydammit said...

And they didn't even have the goddamned common decency to send you the Jumbalaya flavor.

What an incredible assspelunking fuckbag.

 

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