Heist of the Century

Recently, Baltimore blogger Jason J. Thomas posted about having his home burglarized via an unsecured crawlspace. Although, his losses were merely material, having your home invaded leaves an irreparable sense of violation. This is precisely why, when I returned to Baltimore 2.5 years ago, I made certain to live in the suburbs. Before leaving, I'd lived and worked in Baltimore City and had my fill of incessant crime. Although some parts of Baltimore city are attractive, the stress of expecting to be robbed was simply not worth it. I had assumed that when I'd moved to Baltimore county, I wouldn't have to worry about these kinds of things. As you will see, this was a poor assumption.

It was late Wednesday night, when it happened. I heard some strange noises and realized that something was amiss. By remaining perfectly silent, I was able to deduce that the source of the noise was in the living room. Unfortunately, I'd left my phone in the car, so calling for help wasn't an option. Although I was scared stiff, I crept into the room and turned on the lights. What I found was shocking and infuriating:



As you can see, I'd caught the thief red handed in a brazen attempt to steal my crotch. I was instantly overwhelmed with indignation--she was not only stealing from me, but robbing humanity of it's magnum opus. The thought of future generations being selfishly deprived of such a wonder was too much to bear. With no regard for my personal safety, I sprang into action. She turned out to be a formidable adversary and a fierce struggle ensued. Initially, I had the upper hand, but she felled me with a mighty blow. I was completely incapacitated--defeat was imminent. Then, when all seemed lost, my valiant trousers sacrificed themselves so that I might live. This diversion allowed me time to regroup and employ the Angry Pirate, which is a Jiujitsu technique with no known defense. Thus, disaster was narrowly averted and my crotch was spared the humiliation of being trafficked on the underground market.

This just goes to show that no matter where you live, you aren't immune to the criminal element. Whether you live in the city or the suburbs, you never know when these villains will strike--maybe this weekend, if I play my cards right.