Friday, March 16, 2007

Heist of the Century

Recently, Baltimore blogger Jason J. Thomas posted about having his home burglarized via an unsecured crawlspace. Although, his losses were merely material, having your home invaded leaves an irreparable sense of violation. This is precisely why, when I returned to Baltimore 2.5 years ago, I made certain to live in the suburbs. Before leaving, I'd lived and worked in Baltimore City and had my fill of incessant crime. Although some parts of Baltimore city are attractive, the stress of expecting to be robbed was simply not worth it. I had assumed that when I'd moved to Baltimore county, I wouldn't have to worry about these kinds of things. As you will see, this was a poor assumption.

It was late Wednesday night, when it happened. I heard some strange noises and realized that something was amiss.
By remaining perfectly silent, I was able to deduce that the source of the noise was in the living room. Unfortunately, I'd left my phone in the car, so calling for help wasn't an option. Although I was scared stiff, I crept into the room and turned on the lights. What I found was shocking and infuriating:



As you can see, I'd caught the thief red handed in a brazen attempt to steal my crotch. I was instantly overwhelmed with indignation--she was not only stealing from me, but robbing humanity of it's magnum opus. The thought of future generations being selfishly deprived of such a wonder was too much to bear. With no regard for my personal safety, I sprang into action. She turned out to be a formidable adversary and a fierce struggle ensued. Initially, I had the upper hand, but she felled me with a mighty blow. I was completely incapacitated--defeat was imminent. Then, when all seemed lost, my valiant trousers sacrificed themselves so that I might live. This diversion allowed me time to regroup and employ the Angry Pirate, which is a Jiujitsu technique with no known defense. Thus, disaster was narrowly averted and my crotch was spared the humiliation of being trafficked on the underground market.

This just goes to show that no matter where you live, you aren't immune to the criminal element. Whether you live in the city or the suburbs, you never know when these villains will strike--maybe this weekend, if I play my cards right.

19 Comments:

At 7:04 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

In other news, I have a huge bruise on my shin and my one eye seems swollen and pink. I'll agree, Baltimore County CAN be a mean place to live.

 
At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should rename this blog The Crotch Chronicles. It seems to be all you can think about.

 
At 9:01 AM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

Could you please send an intruder of the male variety to Bolton Hill?

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger johnny dollar said...

heh tfg, i think the police code for the crime that that person perpetrated is FEL-8

broadsheet: i think a male version of such a perpetrator is required by law to ba a cunning linguist.

*rimshot*


thank you, i'll be here all week. don't forget to tip the bartenders.

 
At 10:17 AM, Anonymous lori said...

You know, I don't think that type of crime happens to married people. They do, however, like to steal from eachother.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I can't see the thief's mug shot, just one of those annoying little red Xs. So, who was it? And -- could I make the same request as Broadsheet? Things have been pretty boring around here lately. Way too much law and order.

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

omg the photo didnt show up!?
i want your honest opinion of the dove ladies I've posted.

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

From the looks of things, it was a petty theft.

 
At 7:38 PM, Blogger tfg said...

kalleigh-If you'd stay away from bars like the Bucking Bronco, these things might not happen to you.

anon-I'll take it under advisement.

broadsheet-I'll see what I can do.

j$-LOL. I liked your police code.

lori-Yes, but married people have Dutch Ovens, so it all equals out.

tkk-Blogger eats my pics sometimes. It's been remedied.

dyck-I'm one of the few bloggers out there who likes it when the comments are funnier than the post.

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

We need a shot of what happened after she be apprehended and the cuffs be on her.

Did the victim have to stand up in court and testify.

 
At 12:24 AM, Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Wow, my hands look very feminine in this photo.

 
At 7:04 AM, Blogger Tickersoid said...

Are you sure you interpreted this correctly? Groin snatching isn't very common you know.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Well so much for criminal profiling. Left-handers are usually in their right minds. This was a desperate person* (* woman, hopefully, but then I've heard stories about Baltimore).

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger Sassy Blondie said...

Hey...that looks familiar...

 
At 8:19 AM, Blogger tfg said...

Scary-I never cuff and tell.

Snay-That was supposed to be stay between us, damn it.

tickersoid-In this case, it was more like art theft.

pug-At least is wasn't a hardened criminal.

sassy-Don't tell me you're a crotch burglar, too.

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger NAME: Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I could be wrong, but it looks as if her right thumb is fluffing you.

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

But even if it was a petty theft, it may have been in response to a drive by shooting, don't you think?

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Hope your underwear get a reward too. LMAO

 
At 5:16 PM, Anonymous JJT said...

Something tells me that compared to my run-in with the criminal element, I would probably much more prefer this type of robbery. ;-)

 

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