Sunday, March 18, 2007


Recently, I've been reading Parenthetically Speaking..., which is a blog written by Serena Joy. Serena is a daily poster who includes a section called Words Gone Wild, where she offers clever, alternative definitions to misspelled words that she runs across. This reminded me of some of the Word of the Day emails that I'd sent to selected coworkers over the past few month. I've included some of them below:

1. Sexecutive- An employee that gains managerial status solely by virtue of the fact that he/she serves as a penis holster/penis provider for a senior manager.

2. Delusioneer- Someone, typically a manager, that attempts engineering design without being qualified to do so.

3. Krisismachen- The creation of an artificial crisis, by a member of management, to instill an unnecessary panic in the rank and file. This only works a finite number of times, because when everything is an emergency, nothing is an emergency.

4. Corporate Firepole- The opposite of the corporate ladder. It's where you find yourself when you are competent, but your buttsmooching skills aren't up to snuff.

5. Manure Ceiling- The point at which technical employees aren't allow to advance above for fear they will discover that corporate managerial duties consist primarily of bullshit.

6. Fore-revisor - An individual who anticipates having to explain their incompetence and, consequently, refuses to use e-mail or written documents to communicate.

7. Profaganda- Bogus claims of strategic success or managerial brilliance in the company newsletter or website.

8. Fecal Flume- A reiteration of the old adage, "Shit flows downhill."

9. Me-mail- E-mail that is sent to many, under the pretense of being informative, but really serves to announce that the sender has actually done something. It is typically sent after hours or on weekends.

10. Thinking Outside the Bum- The type of thinking that is required to turn the head-up-assed schemes of upper management into reality.

11. Bitchpiloting- Guiding corporate policy by giving your boss ideas and letting him/her take credit for them so that they can be implemented.

It's a good thing that I
resigned recently, because it doesn't look like I'll be making Employee of the Year, either.


At 11:53 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I love it! {clapping} You could have a brand new career in bounty hunting wicked words.

At 5:59 AM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Me likes the definitions. They make me glad me left the hairy bullshit behind me many, many years ago.
Good luck with the new job

At 9:31 AM, Blogger Charles said...

You had me hooked on #1.

Our new managers seem to fall under category #2. They can't build a display for nothing. Our previous assistant store manger was the best at building a display

At 9:45 AM, Blogger Katherine said...

Holy Crap, that was near brillance! Really hard to top "sexecutive," especially since we all know one of those!

At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Crunchy BC said...

Can I play?

The homely employee who thinks everyone is sexually harassing her.

Clock Blocker
A manager who thinks nothing of giving you an urgent project at 4:55PM on a Friday.

Bustling Hustler
An employee who wastes vast amounts of his/her time and everyone else’s complaining about how busy they are.

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

Are outrageously large profits in conjunction with #7 required, or no? Because the best is reading about the boatloads of money the company is making when they can't even look you in the eye at your review because of your piddly raise.

I haven't had much experience with #11 since they keep me away from anything remotely important. I did ask questions to a functional analyst once to clarify a brief presentation I was writing up for my boss when my boss's boss (who was also in the room) turned to my boss and said "Isn't that the presentation you were working on?"

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Kira said...

I particularly like the "manure ceiling". The visual it gives is breathtaking.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Diesel said...

Ha! There's a lot of truth there. Makes me glad to be retired. :)

At 12:58 PM, Blogger Kadonkadonk said...

I have a Bustling Hustler at my work and if she sends out one more all staff me-mail, I think she is going to be thrown into the manure ceiling! God do I hate that bitch!

At 2:41 PM, Blogger tfg said...

serena-Thanks. I'll keep that in mind if this fast food thing doesn't work out.

scary-Yes, someday I hope to do the same. Someday soon.

charles-We have our fair share or these, too.

katherine-That's correct. There has been at least one everywhere that I've worked.

crunchy bc-I particularly like Bustling Hustler.

hanmee-#11 is a double edged sword. Sometimes, we make up silly things and watch them try that, too.

kira-That was one of my favorites, too.

diesel-Jesus, teach me your secrets.

kadonkadonk-A measure of your senior management's competence is how susceptible they are to that kind of crap.

At 3:05 PM, Blogger tfg said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

How about rude anon clingon trolls, what do you think of those?

At 6:57 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm the CSO at my organization. That's Chief Sexecutive Officer.

At 8:53 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

My fave? "Me-Mail" Hands-down, you've nailed it to the wall right there. I hate those kind of people. It just makes you want to mess with their date-time stamp, doesn't it?

At 11:37 PM, Blogger Arlene said...

These are hilarious, and I love assclowns!!! Thanks for stopping by :-)

At 1:07 AM, Blogger mist1 said...

I like the Deceptionist. That's the person who I have to call to get to the person that I want to talk to. Usually, she tells me that the person is unavailable.

At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Phil said...

That was so much fun!

At 5:06 PM, Blogger puerileuwaite said...

Damn you! I wanted to include something this brilliant in the business book I am planning. Now I'll have to either plagiarize or cut you in.

My favorites? Crap, just like Michael Bolton's song catalogue, I kinda like 'em all.

Plus, kudos* (* one of my personal favorite business terms) to Crunchy BC for "Frumployee". That one slew me!


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